Waterloo Road: An interesting afternoon

(Series 10, ep.15) “Must… have… LAPTOP!” Leo Fitzgerald stormed through this episode like The Incredible Hulk in a school uniform, his eyes glazed, his hair uncombed, not allowing anything to get between him and the computer game he’s addicted to. And I mean addicted. When his laptop was confiscated he took to begging, borrowing and stealing anybody else’s, just to get back in the game. Nobody was safe – even poor Sonya received a facial/laptop whacking when she tried to get between the Shadow Warrior and his objective. 

Waterloo Road: Is it true about the new graphics teacher?

(Series 10, ep.13) There were three new guys in the school this week. Technically only two of them were guys (the other was a girl) and literally speaking only one of them was called Guy. He was the one everyone had a problem with, on account of him having come via some fast track route which meant he’d only had six weeks’ teacher training. He was also the one who seemed a tad too friendly with new girl Carrie. 

Waterloo Road: Don’t go breaking Twinkle’s heart

(Series 10, ep.9) They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but Simon Twinkle Spark served it steaming hot this week, and it was brilliant. Returning triumphant from a successful job interview in Wales, it wasn’t long before Simon discovered (via the reliably dim Sue) that his wife has been “cavorting” with smarmy PE teacher Hector Reid.

Simon immediately headed for the gym and was only prevented from setting about Hector with a baseball bat by the arrival of Vaughan Fitzgerald. After this, Simon resigned, told Sue he wanted a divorce, had cuddly moments with Christine, Audrey and Kacey Barry, and told Darren and Lenny that violence was never the way to resolve things. Then he reversed his car over Hector’s precious motorbike and drove away from Waterloo Road with a smile on his face. Marvellous. 

Waterloo Road: Kevin, stop the worm now!

(Series 10, ep.7) “Waterloo Road is home to a bunch of highly sophisticated cyber criminals,” said Allie upon seeing the school’s IT systems being dismantled and computers being removed by the police. When did these revered and relied-upon learning aids become Evidence? When Leo inexpertly hacked into the system of that mega corporation Wire Data. Because Waterloo Road isn’t full of sophisticated cyber criminals, as Allie knew because she was being witty and ironic. It’s home to Kevin Chalk, who knows his way round a computer, and Leo Fitzgerald, who would love to be a sophisticated cyber criminal but is actually a bit of an idiot.

Were Kevin’s actions based on supporting Audrey’s campaign against Wire Data, who are endangering the crested tit (“It could become the dodo of its day,” according to Audrey)? Nope. It was all to prove that he’s still the smartest boy in the school, even after his stroke. He impressed the boss of Wire Data, anyhow, and he didn’t even have to mention his phone app fortune. And just in case Mr Wire Data was thinking of prosecuting (he was), Kevin had found a secret hidden laptop and installed a worm on Wire’s system as “insurance.” 

Waterloo Road: Be careful with Beyoncé!

(Series 10, ep.3)  I found the main story in this week’s Waterloo Road really sad. Verruca Salt, a girl with pitifully low self esteem (me calling her Verruca probably wouldn’t help, so it’s Rhiannon from now on) had a virtual baby to look after and, bless her, it looked to be just about as much fun as she’s ever had in her life. Taking to virtual baby motherhood like a duck to water, Rhiannon took beautiful care of “Beyoncé” and even enjoyed talking to her as she wheeled her to school. She was probably only a whisker away from putting Beyoncé’s name down for nursery and arranging to have her vaccinations done.

It was all the more poignant because she thought she was really pregnant, and was harbouring visions of herself and Darren (the father) and a real Beyoncé (not the real Beyoncé – that would be implausible) living in domestic harmony.  

Waterloo Road: There’s a riot on the roof of the school!

(Series 9, ep.17) The issue of immigration, both legal and illegal, has been addressed more than once on Waterloo Road, and deportation of illegal immigrants has also featured, most recently with the character of Ndale. This time the situation was addressed differently, because the person due to be deported was fairly long-time cast member Lula Tsibi.

Most of the episode was, predictably, as mad as a box of frogs. Any situation which gives Audrey McFall the chance to get fired up with righteous fervour gets my vote, and in this she was prancing about, eyes sparkling as she announced that this time they would be “making history, not studying it.” I expected her to start brandishing her souvenir sword in an inspirational manner, but sadly she didn’t – she had her hands full with handing out marker pens to make placards and phoning the local press.  

Waterloo Road: We need to talk about Kev, Vix, Nix and Hex

(Series 9, ep.16) After only the briefest of happy interludes, the engagement of Vix and Nix is no more, thanks to Nikki being unable to resist the allure of Mr Hector Reid. If only Nikki and Hector hadn’t arrived at the school at the same time as Barry was dropping Gabriella off (in an Audi this week. Where is Barry getting all these different cars? It’s like Gone in 60 Seconds at that school gate at the moment). Gabriella, who is enjoying the pleasures of Barry but seems to have far more fun sniffing Hector’s boxing gloves, wasted no time in checking Hector’s phone. Texts from Nix to Hex revealed the truth, and Gabriella revealed it to Vix in a handily-arranged extra-curricular jewellery making workshop.

There was a lot of crying, and Nikki begged Vix to forgive her. Vix had the Twinkle-Spark family on her side. Sue was furious: “Is she gay? Is she bi? Is she a total bitch?” Simon was disappointed in Hector – he thought he and Hector had a shared mindset. Barry thought Hector needed sorting out. “You can’t just go in there and punch him on the nose,” argued Gabriella. “Yer I can,” said Barry (though he probably wouldn’t have, because Hector is a PE teacher and has his own boxing gloves and everything). They made do with puncturing the tyre of Hector’s motorbike with a handy nail gun.  

Waterloo Road: You mean he’s not a real supply teacher?

(Series 9, Ep.9) Being Halloween and that, this week’s episode had a sinister turn. Guest artiste Duncan Pow (Holby’s tragic Dr Linden Cullen, who lives on in the form of a memorial shrubbery) played supply teacher Frankie McGregor. Only he wasn’t really a supply teacher, and he wasn’t really Frankie McGregor. Obviously with the water-tight policies and procedures in place at Waterloo Road this was spotted at once, wasn’t it?

Erm… no. The kids spotted something was wrong when “science teacher” Frankie knew so little about Physics that he made Sue Spark look like Stephen Hawking, but Sue didn’t notice because she was immersed in wedding plans.

Frankie took a bit of a Special Interest in lonely, isolated young Lenny Brown, and that should perhaps have rung alarm bells, particularly when Frankie offered to take Lenny fishing to a remote spot. Christine wavered about giving permission for about five seconds, then decided it would be a bit of fun for the lad and gave them the go-ahead.  

Waterloo Road: Life during wartime

(Series 9, Ep.8)  With this episode, Waterloo Road gave up any pretence of being a “contemporary drama series set in a challenging comprehensive school” as the BBC website describes it, and went for full-on, hallucinogenic craziness. It was absolutely brilliant.

The teacher with the pointy face, Audrey McFall, had hatched a scheme to get everyone interested in history and put Waterloo Road on the educational map by having everyone spend a week pretending it was the Second World War. This involved a lot of dressing up (Simon, George, Audrey and Christine all dapper in military uniform; Nikki Boston in a boiler suit; and everyone else in a range of vaguely 40s costumes). Audrey apparently had a bottomless dressing up box – anyone not in period costume was told to see Audrey “and she’ll sort you out.”

Digging for victory was also on the agenda, with the students pretending to grow their own food. Audrey “planted” carrots she got from the supermarket to make the garden look good for visiting education supremo McBain. And she also borrowed a goat. The goat’s name was Wally – officially named after Wallis Simpson, it was actually so someone could say “Where’s Wally?” when the goat inevitably disappeared.  

Waterloo Road: Fresh from a funeral to a fun day of learning

(Series 9, Ep.7)  Grantly was given a fitting and dignified send-off, which would have been slightly less dignified if Harley had dropped his side of the coffin. Luckily Nikki Boston was on hand to help, because it could have been nasty. It wasn’t really fair to ask upset schoolboys to carry the precious remains anyway. Harley would have been better deployed giving an emotional reprise of his deadly poem from last week. As it was, the only speech was delivered by Maggie, who proudly announced that she and Grantly had been blessed with a wonderful family consisting of Harley, Verruca Salt and Tariq, who’d turned up to pay his respects and do some PE coaching. He’s a multi-tasker, that lad.

As soon as the crematorium curtains closed it was back to school and business as usual. It’s what Grantly would have wanted, because he wasn’t lazy and feckless at all – at least, not during his last day at work.

And it was definitely looking like a routine sort of day when a never-seen-before Troubled Teen peered through the school railings. This happens practically on a weekly basis and sometimes their problems are dealt with in one episode and they’re never seen again, and sometimes they get moved into the school-house and stay for a while. Eve, however, was not looking for Education, she was looking for her mother. Nikki Boston. Yes, I was shocked too, but not as shocked as Nikki was (though Nikki wasn’t as shocked as Tom Clarkson was when he heard his sperm had been stolen and Our Josh was the result – at least Nikki had been aware of Eve’s conception and birth). Eventually it came out that Nikki had been all in favour of having an abortion, and only agreed to go through with the birth on the understanding that Eve’s father would bring her up (this, coincidentally,  also happens in my novel Two’s Company, though obviously not to Nikki Boston).

I’ve got to give massive praise to Heather Peace for the way she acted the scenes with Eve, and especially the scene in the car after Eve had left. I’m always amazed when an actor can show such massive vulnerability as to be able to snot-cry on camera. I also have to say that Nikki looked really pretty in this episode, despite the purple sports/leisure wear.