Category Archives: Big Brother

Celebrity Big Brother: When one Battersby isn’t enough

janice lesTime was when Bruce “Les Battersby” Jones was the most disliked and disgraced ex-Corrie star, but that was in the good old days before most of the cast had to be suspended or let go for offences alleged or actual.

And now here he is on Celebrity Big Brother, alongside former screen wife Vicky “Janice” Entwistle. I don’t know how recovering alcoholic Bruce is going to settle down in CBB – I caught a glimpse of him being interviewed by Jeremy Kyle once and he seemed like a vulnerable kind of man to me, but perhaps the powers that be are hoping he’ll have a ratings-winning meltdown.

Vicky set to by pouring wine for everyone (I’m not very good at this…”). This is a good move, as early domination of the kitchen has often proved to be a tactically wise decision. I can already hear evicted junior housemates telling Emma Willis, “Vicky was my mum in the house.”

They won’t be saying that about Carol McGiffin, as she set out her stall early doors (as “Big Ron” Atkinson would say – he’s in there too) by informing Charlotte Crosby from Geordie Shore that she isn’t actually famous, although Ms Crosby clearly thinks she is due to her apparent fondness for not being concerned how, when or upon whom she goes to the toilet (she’s currently favourite to win – *baffled face*). Carol McGiffin is therefore, early doors, my favourite housemate.   Continue reading

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Celebrity Big Brother: Bonfire of the Vanity Cases

I know the London Olympics were great and all that, and I did enjoy the fervour of the burgeoning national pride they inspired. But there’s been an Awful Lot of sport on telly these past few months. Which has been hard for those of us that need our regular fix of something to slob in front of that doesn’t involve very fit people running about, making us feel bad about eating a whole large packet of Tyrell’s salt and vinegar (you umami-packed seductive bastards) in one go. So, for me, it’s quite nice that we’ve got some excellent tosh back on the box.

And  Celebrity Big Brother has hit the ground in camp, leopardprint running shoes. I stopped watching Big Brother after the first season on Channel 5. Too many ad breaks and it has all started to horribly claustrophobic. It also goes on far too long. It’s not a good sign when you think you can smell the telly. In this case a rank mixture of the nocturnal odours of too many inactive people on a weird diet plus the whiff of damp towels.

But with the merely three-week long Celebrity Big Brother, both Empress of Twitter Grace Dent and I have been lured back. The major thing they’ve done to make it too tempting to resist is to have the delectable Martin ‘god of EastEnders’ Kemp as a housemate. My entire purpose for watching the soap back in the day (and, as I recall, PLA had a bit of crush too. We share such good taste).

Then they chucked pretty, witty, savage-tongued Julian Clary into the mix. And THEN they added Bet Lynch in a “GET IT, GOT IT, GOOD” t shirt and animal print leggings, and Heather Trott (AKA Julie Goodyear and Cheryl Fergison). Then there’s Loose Woman and ex Nolan (and so used to shacking up and sharing a hairdryer and make-up with a lot of women, one might imagine, given the number of sisters she used to sing with) Coleen Nolan. What with her and the other glamour pusses, I get the sense that the bathroom drains are soon going to get blocked with hair extensions of many colours.

The rest – an Olympian judo player, someone from Jersey Shore, a bitchy journalist who thinks she’s too darn pretty for this world, some assorted muscle-clad lads and  a scattering of glamour/underwear models – are just The Rest to me right now, but that’s fine. We need some wallpaper for our superstars of soap, comedy and daytime telly.

There they all are in the house now, like the most fabulous, crazy selection-box of characters, with a burning desire to get more attention than anyone else.  Continue reading

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Celebrity Big Brother: Oh, Lucien

“I just hope my parents are proud of me,” says Lucien Laviscount, gazing at the camera with the serene confidence of one whose parents have been proud of him since he was in the womb. I don’t actually know anything about Lucien’s family background, but his general demeanour would certainly indicate a boy who’s been brought up surrounded by love and support.

But there are things a teenage lad is supposed to get up to ideally without his parents watching. These include cack-handed chat-up attempts, unconvincing efforts to look like a regular and seasoned smoker, chasing anything female and with a pulse, and mildly drunken behaviour generally. He’s not done anything especially wrong in the Big Brother house (apart from that cringingly misjudged quip to Tara during their meal together), he’s just being a normal lad – but it’s all a bit embarrassing with several million viewers watching. I can’t help thinking that, if I was his parent, I’d be prouder of his work on Corrie and Waterloo Road.

Posted by PLA          (more Big Brother here)

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Celebrity Big Brother: Who stays? Bobby sweats it out

Marcus Bentley just can’t throw his Geordie thang behind “Who STAYS?” the way he used to with “Who GOOOOOOO-ES?” Apart from that, Our Marcus appears to be having fun on the new, Channel 5 version of Celebrity Big Brother. His commentary has gone all cheeky, and of course this is helped no end by having Jedward to comment on. “Jedward have found a canny way of heating up beans,” has been one of my favourites so far, as we saw the aforementioned duo nomming baked beans straight from the can – in the sauna.

I’m looking forward to seeing how Brian Dowling handles his first eviction night. I’m hoping he gets a bit more critical with the evictees than Davina “You were a fantastic housemate!” McCall sometimes did. But who will he be getting critical with? Will it be Kerry “I can’t fart without it being bottled and sold by the press” Katona (whom we discovered on Shooting Stars this week may or may not be a cat owner)? Will it be Sally “Bedsheet” Bercow? Or Bobby “I sweat in your drinking water” Sabel?

The Digital Spy forums, so often a reliable guide in troubled times, suggest there’s a strong swell of support for Sally, and Bobby will most likely go. After being almost totally anonymous at the beginning, he belatedly realised that you have to give the people something to vote for apart from bland good looks. So he opted for ranting at mirrors and having a negative opinion about almost everybody else. For a very brief while, this was quite amusing, albeit a tad transparent. Then it went too far when he sat in the sauna and dripped sweat in a container of liquid to be poured into Darryn’s mouth. Now, I’m no Darryn fan, but what Bobby did was just revolting. When he apologised later, Darryn took his apology with great dignity, which shows who is the better man.

Will Brian call Bobby out on Sweatgate? We’ll have to see.  But Bobby won’t be missed.

Meanwhile – how precious are John and Edward? I find them absolutely adorable. That little scene where Tara was crying and they cheered her up with a bit of gentle teasing and a bunch of flowers, it was a beautiful sight to see. They judged the situation just right. They’re never down, they don’t get bored, they keep people laughing and they seem to be genuinely kind, caring boys. Ok, they can be a tad too high spirited sometimes, but it’s a fair trade-off for the energy and fun that they bring to the house.

Posted by PLA          (more Big Brother posts here)

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Celebrity Big Brother: Kindergarten clots

I can see why pretty-boy model Bobby Sabel has flipped, and most amusingly, on Celebrity Big Brother and started spouting Truths to camera. All the other housemates are like children? Yes they are. Kerry Katona a nice person, but a moron nonetheless? Yes indeed. Suddenly he’s become a lot more fun. I feel too old for this CBB and am still a bit of a butterfly viewer. Jedward and Kerry Katona were the only people I’d heard of, well apart from Sally Bercow, but none of them were people I particularly had an interest in watching. Not like the year Germaine Greer walked in the house in a steely grey dress (not that she managed to stay for very long).

I still have no idea who Darryn weird hair/bizarre sixpack implant ‘Paparazzi’ Lyons is. I’m vaguely aware of My Big Fat Gipsy Wedding, but only remember vast pink fairy light lit dresses, not the formidably hard looking Paddy Doherty, a man who talks about ‘servicing’ his wife as a substitute for any housework (although to be fair, when he spoke to her and their daughter on the phone in the diary room on their anniversary, he was very tender with them). And I’d seen The Only Way is Essex once, so I’d heard of Amy and her vajazzling technique (from which she’s been dropped as the ‘face of’ I read here). Having been brought up in a household where saying ‘fart’ brought a stern telling off for mentioning bodily functions, I quite enjoy her straightforward attitude to bodies and sex, with frequent references to her ‘ninny’. Paddy doesn’t quite embrace this openness tho’, and his face was a picture when she was patiently explaining to him what a ‘camel-toe’ was. Afterwards he told the other lads that women ‘just shouldn’t talk like that’. I’m guessing Mrs Doherty’s ninny only comes out to be ‘serviced’.

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Celebrity Big Brother: Bedding in

Daaaay One, and what are we learning about our captive band of zelebs?

1. Jedward’s “people” really know how to pack a suitcase. The amount of clothes that unfurled from those Pandora’s boxes on wheels! Jackets that lit up, more shoes featuring animals than you ever knew existed, enough sequins to decorate a Liberace memorial event (note to younger readers: google). I loved the way Jedward gleefully spread their clothes everywhere and showed them off to anyone who was passing. I love the way they do everything together, and are being treated as one entity: “Jedward are runnin’ themselves a bubble bath,” says Marcus Bentley, sounding like Jimmy Nail on Mogadon while describing possibly one of the campest things ever seen on British television.

2. Sally Bercow is not as much fun as she would like to us think she is. All it’s taken is a nomination from Kerry “Fck a Duck” Katona, and she’s gone all bitter, twisted and needy. Oh well. At least she isn’t sitting around in her pants demanding Diet Coke.

3. Lucien can’t understand Amy – it’s a north/south divide type thing. Amy doesn’t “get” Lucien’s sense of humour, whereas Kerry (also northern) apparently does. All I’ve managed to pick up re Lucien’s sense of humour is  that he doesn’t like being compared to Marvin off of JLS, but has no problem about being compared to Lewis Hamilton.

4. Sally thinks that Paddy’s presence in the house will correct the nation’s misconceptions of gypsies. Paddy thinks a woman’s place is doing the washing up in return for being “serviced” by a man occasionally. My misconceptions are being shattered by the minute.

5. Bobby the stubbly jeans model has no discernible personality whatsoever.

6. Amy has met the Hoff. “The Huff?” repeated The Hoff’s former wife, Pamela Bach-Hasselhoff, not understanding who it was that Amy had met. “Hoff,” repeated Amy. “The Hoff. Your Hoff.” “Ahhh…” replied Mrs Bach-Hoff. “I called him David.” Well, yes, you probably would. We never discovered what Amy’s impression of the great man had been.

Posted by PLA          (more Big Brother here)

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Celebrity Big Brother: The wonderful thing about Tiggers

Big Brother is back on our screen, and summer can officially begin! A tad late, obviously. And it was pouring down. But the sound of Marcus Bentley’s voice and the Paul Oakenfold theme tune made me feel like reaching for the sunnies and the factor 30.

No Davina, of course. She’s been replaced by an Irish, male version of herself. Brian Dowling gave a fairly poised performance for his first live show – it must be a fiendishly difficult job for even an old hand like Davina, what with the crowds, the rain and having to wrangle a parade of egos on heels along a catwalk and up a set of stairs in the allotted time. I thought he did very well, even if he did sound a bit wooden occasionally and looked downright scared when Mrs Hasselhoff kept clinging onto him from different directions.

The biggest non-surprise of the night was Jedward - people had even come equipped with “We Heart Jedward” banners. I quite heart Jedward, too, in the sense that they’re madder than two boxes of frogs and they are the last thing you’d want to wake up to – which is why they’ll be perfect housemates, from a viewer perspective. I’d love them just for their Tigger jackets and panda shoes, and I can’t wait to see what their hair looks like under normal circumstances.  Continue reading

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Ultimate Big Brother: Welcome back to the house of fun

There’s nothing I like on Big Brother more than a bit of True Romance. Which is why I stopped watching during the Josie/John James nonsense. Romance? Fauxmance, showmance, nomance. Josie is probably not as horrible as I think she is, but she’s certainly not as “lovely” as her Big Brother legend has recently portrayed her (conveniently forgetting the almighty strops, sulks and manipulative behaviour that reduced Caoimhe to tears more than once).

Anyway, she’s gone (hurrah!) which means I can enjoy Ultimate Big Brother properly now. And there’s a lot to enjoy. Nadia, for a start. There’s a woman who tells it like it is, but not to the point of cruelty. Then there’s the tragedy of Chantelle and Preston. She obviously loves the bones of him (and what’s not to love?), and they’re both really sad about the end of their marriage. Will he end up having to get the tattoo of his current girlfriend’s name lasered off his leg? Watch this space. Or rather, watch the space on Preston’s leg.

Brian Dowling is a less shrieky, more confident version of his former self, but he’s still reliable for a bitchy comment. John McCririck is totally cringeworthy, but sometimes (like when he demolished Makosi’s entire religious belief system with a few well-chosen words) he’s quite fabulous.

Apparently Michelle “No naked jacuzzis!” Bass and someone called Victor (I vaguely remember him) are supposed to be going in to a secret room tonight, to join the house proper at some point.  Add in a choice bit of meddling by the Tree of Temptation, and it’s all brewing up very nicely.

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Big Brother: I knew I’d seen that hair before!

Bloody hell! Just realised, probably weeks after the rest of the world, that I’ve seen Big Brother’s strangely quiffed Ben on telly before. It was Celebrity Come Dine With Me, when Raef from the Apprentice was on it. Raef is another preposterously posh public school boy clearly accustomed to having staff clear up his muck and do his bidding. He and Ben between them make one perfect Bertie Wooster. It didn’t even occur to him on Come Dine With Me that he was cheating by having a butler and assorted other staff clear up after him. But as well as the domestic staff, in this instance, Ben appeared as his kitchen bitch. Was he once his fag at school? We should be told. Apparently, according to Raefy, who appeared on BBLB on Sunday, they are ‘mates’ and they regularly share clothes.

Raef was actually quite amusing in the face of hippy Lynne ‘reputed inspiration behind Ab Fab‘s Eddy’ Franks’ belly dancer. ‘Look at the bazookas on that’ were his words afterward gazing openly at them the whole time she was dancing. The odd thing is that Raef, like Ben, purports to be straight and go through the motions of being lecherous, yet are the least sexual straight men I’ve ever come across. When looking at or commenting on women they seem more like characters from Viz than studmuffins.

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Big Brother: get over it, Mario!

Pretty people are often not very pretty inside. It’s sad but true.

I adore Mario, I do. He’s so gorgeous and he has a lovely voice. But I’m getting a wee bit sick of the ‘I’m finally realising what your true character is’ schtick with regards to Ben. Wake up and smell the public school tie, Mario. Ben is not a character from Evelyn Waugh. He’s pretty for sure, even if his hair is ridiculous, he is slightly amusing to watch and has a lovely pouty mouth but he is, and always has been, sly, utterly self-serving, self-absorbed and fundamentally untrustworthy.

Mario did what we all do with people we fancy – we are blind to what they are really like. We see what we want to see, because it makes us feel happy to do so. Ben hasn’t deceived  him. He liked having an adoring side-kick, every bit as much as Caoimhe liked the admiration of Shabby. But neither ever intended to have sex or a proper equal relationship with either of them.

It made them feel good about themselves to be admired, but when it all got too difficult, both Caoimhe and Ben weaselled out and took no responsibility for what they had done with all the flirting and intimacy. Cheap and nasty, but not really unusual. We’ve probably all done it to someone who had a crush on us. Mario knew Ben was straight. It wasn’t rocket science to work the rest out. Now he’s finally got it and is hurt, but really Mario, move on. The man’s a fool with the moral integrity of a sewer rat and you’re worth better than that.

And Caoimhe? Back off from slagging off Corin you malevolent  horror.

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