Anyone who was expecting X Factor loser Jake Quickenden to make a pig’s ear of last night’s live trial was proven badly wrong. Instead, he made a pig’s testicle of it which was exactly what he’d been asked to do. It didn’t matter that he had to orally transfer the bollocks of several swine between containers; Jake was just happy that for once the public had voted for him. If only they had done that during The X Factor.
As if giving him a 24 hour Text Santa broadcast marathon wasn’t enough for the demure ego of Philip Schofield, ITV paid homage to his gameshow, The Cube in the live trial. They already had an extra set of ad breaks ready for if Kendra Wilkinson was voted to take part, given that it would have lasted all of 30 seconds (aka the time it takes her to say ‘Oh my Gawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwd’) but thankfully, have a go lad Jake was up for the challenge. And I’m not talking the challenge of getting frisky with Irish Nadia (whoever she is); that already looks as if it’s going to be a walk in the park.
Securing ten stars for playing with building bricks (something Jake only just mastered last week) and counting eels (again, counting being something that’s just recently been added to Jake’s skills list), Jake managed to claim a full lot of meals for camp (or, if Gemma were still here, a snack). This went down very well and was the second day in a row of successes in the Bushtucker Trials.
Elsewhere in camp, Edwina Currie* had also joined the celebrities, meaning that Kendra was no longer the only campmate famous predominantly for their sexual behaviour. Edwina’s first task in camp was to lie through her teeth, to which she surely frowned and replied: ‘So, just be myself then?’ Jake and Edwina were signed up as undercover agents who had to deceive their new friends in a variety of situations, which included duping Mel into washing their clothes for them. It wasn’t too difficult given that Mel, who is constantly wearing an undoubtedly painful Cheshire Cat smile, is so eager to please and show what an amiable lass she is. Will we see her mask slip? Depends how long she is kept in I suppose, but I’m worried for Michael Buerk.
Their final task was to convince everyone to have a pool party which treated us to the wonderful sight of Jimmy (who is my current favourite to win) thrashing a bathing suit clad Edwina about the place. Tinchy meanwhile, was none too keen to get in the pool and, given that he is the one with the closest thing to a career still intact, he probably thought he could catch failure and desperation through the water. Nevertheless, he gave in to peer pressure (lesson to kids: always do that. You’ll get prizes) and joined the splashing fun and the entire camp were rewarded with a smug Edwina boasting about how easy it was to lie to them all (once a Tory…) and a few packages from home.
Just a week in (three days for Jake and Edwina), this meant we were forced to endure the numerous tears that came with the luvvies being separated from their families and, most importantly, their housekeepers. Forgetting that armed forces servicemen and women as well as countless other occupations endure this for much less than a 100k pay, the celebrities took to the cameras to blub about how hard it was being cut off from society et al. Oh, and Michael was excited to see his nuts. We’ve all been there.
* When Gemma heard that there was a ‘Currie’ heading for camp she almost boarded a flight right back to Australia until somebody explained the actual situation to her.
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Written By Our Man In The North