The X Factor: Musical murderer week

So this week the judges upped the ante and were at war. Or they were trying to create drama in a desperate attempt to gain viewers. It’s a sad state of affairs when a doddery old man at death’s door and a giant in an ill-fitting dress is beating X Factor in the ratings. It was Rock Week, so we had songs by Ke$ha and ballads. Ballad versions of songs that used to rock. In short, X Factor took famous songs and ripped the heart out of them like some kind of musical murderer.

The boys

Ahh, Marcus was in a super cute outfit, sorta like rock by numbers. A ripped tee and some jeans. Grr. He did put on a show for once and his performance was well received. I liked it but I wasn’t overly impressed, he seemed to get a bit screechy at points. Considering he’s more John Legend than John Lydon he still delivered in a week when the theme really wasn’t suited to him.

Craig has got some lungs on him. I really liked his performance but I question whether slowing down a rock song should have counted. I was surprised by his choice of song, but it really did suit him. I fear that if he doesn’t start doing stuff to stand out people might not vote for him and he could slip to the bottom of the results table as the viewers presume he’ll be safe.

Why the hell was Frankie’s VT just about him being a disgusting filth bag and going to low rent celeb clubs. Mahiki isn’t all that. Even I’ve been there, had a treasure chest and been sick on the C2 on the way home. Frankie is so gross he makes my crotch itch just looking at him. That boy must be riddled with disease and what was his entrance about? I get it was supposed to be cool, but it just looked like one of those O2 ads from a while back. Then once on stage the talentless goon tried and failed to sing again. He really, really, doesn’t deserve to be on the show. His song fit the theme but he was just not very good. He has definitely started to believe his own hype and needs to back off.  

The X Factor: Hate some, like two, feel sorry for the rest

(Week 2) Its official: this is the worst X Factor year ever. What? It’s not official? Well, it ought to be. This year’s crop of wannabes needs to up their game if they hope to hold our attention till Christmas. I think the problem is that it feels like we haven’t had a chance to emotionally invest in the acts.  So many of the faces at judges’ houses were new to me that I didn’t give a toss if they got to the lives or not, and then there’s the bands that have been  stitched together like some sort of five headed Frankenstein’s monster. They barely know or care about each other, so why should we care about them?

Usually at this stage in the game I’m indifferent about most of the contestants and love one or two. This year I hate some of them, feel sorry for the others and only like two.

The Groups

Wowzers, I wasn’t expecting Rhythmix to rock out the bashment/Notting  Hill Carnival version of I’m Like A Bird. As an ethnic, usually I only get to hear these versions in black hairdressers or takeaways. The girls did it justice and managed to sing well enough to distract us from their hideous styling. It was like a graffiti fight had taken place in H&M and the girls had to wear the outcome. I still don’t know any of their names but I think they’ll do well this year, as the other groups feel a bit dated.  Their vocals aren’t even that strong but as they seem like nice girls, I hope they survive for a while.

NuVibe.  Poor babies. They sang as if they knew they didn’t deserve to be there. Their version of With Or Without You was kinda off. I think there were about four notes that didn’t sound horrendous. The boys should have known they were on borrowed time as they had the death spot and even Louis didn’t like them.

The Risk had moments where they sounded half decent and then others where they really didn’t. Luckily for them there’s no value in Syco splitting the boy band vote AND NuVibe were rubbish, so The Risk lived to sing another day. Regardless of their voices, their performance upset me for two reasons. One: they sang Bruno Mars and I feel like that man is plaguing my life. He is everywhere. Two: They were perched on chairs and didn’t do the stand up at the key change thing we’ve all come to expect. Proper shoddy work.  

The X Factor: A vat of tepid skimmed milk and Misha B

We did it. We puffed and panted our way through the auditions, boot camp and judges’ houses. Now it’s time for us to all to face the music. It’s the lives!!

Now we’ve got the lives, I’m not sure it was worth all the effort.  The song choices were lazy and the whole show was a bit boring. It was one of the worst opening live shows I can remember. Apart from Misha B, it was like being force-fed a vat of tepid skimmed milk. Bland.

The boys

This is always a hard category to stand out in. It’s either full of cocksure wannabes or pallid bores designed to tug at the nation’s heartstrings.

In the former category we have Frankie C. Jesus H Christ, someone get that boy a jug of Bromide. The whole way through the competition his arrogant, arse bearing, too much swagger for his age shtick has got on my last nerve. Then, in an attempt to “humanise” the little brat, we had to sit through him going all emotional and ruining an Ed Sheeran song. Seriously bruv, the young girls may like you but your vocal is wack. That breathy Pete Doherty shit will only take you so far. (Yes, I am aware that combined heat generated from the loins of the tweenagers he excites may well propel him to the final. Sad times).

James was definitely in the pallid bores category. When he rocked up for his week in the sun at judges’ houses I had no idea who he was. I thought he was just wearing a hat to avoid springing for the litres of conditioner it would take to keep his curly mane manageable in the heat. I didn’t even realise that was his “thing.” He’s this year’s Twat in a Hat, if you will. What can I say about his singing? Hmm, the song they gave him was so wrong. In the first week we need a performance that drags us in and makes us pay attention, or a faultless vocal. His warbling while clutching on to a guitar simply wasn’t good enough. He deserved to be dispatched this week.

Craig and Marcus both did well. Marcus was flanked by female dancers and did look a bit awkward but there were moments where his vocal was pretty good. There were also moments when he sounded less than ideal but I think he just about pulled it off. Poor Craig, I’m amazed he even made it onto the stage after a week that looked like hell for the poor boy. I have no idea why we had to see him being starved and run ragged in his opening VT. Oh, yeah, it’s to give him stamina, or help with the high notes or something. If I remember rightly, they tried the same thing on Paige last year. I can’t believe the X Factor producers don’t see how damaging it is to show a boy being forced to exercise in order to win a talent contest. Don’t even get me started on Louis and his “it’s nice to see you taking it seriously by losing weight” comment. Bastard. Anyways, aside from all of this Craig took to the stage and sang his little heart out.  

The X Factor: Gary Barlow replaces Simon Cowell

X Factor judging panel news has been the big thing over the past few days, with the latest almost-announcement being that Gary Barlow has finalised a deal to appear on the UK version when it returns later this year.

The news comes in the wake of announcements that Simon Cowell will not be on the panel this year so that he can focus on a US version, which will feature Cheryl Cole. As these two titans leave two gaping vacancies, Gary has filled one place while Alesha Dixon is the rumoured hot favourite to fill the other.

Meanwhile, Louis Walsh has confirmed that he will return for a seventh year while there remains no news on Dannii Minogue at this stage.

So, X Factor fans, what are your views on the judging panel changes? Is Gary Barlow a suitable choice? Who else would you have liked to have seen in the seat?

Posted by Our Man In the North

MasterChef: Dougal fluff hats & other sweet surprises

MasterChef lost me as a regular viewer this year because of all the X Factor style nonsense early on. Plus my cooking show viewing quota is currently being diverted watching too many suckling pigs get slaughtered on the altar of the Great British Menu. But I caught last night’s MasterChef, and I’m glad I did, because there was a guest appearance by Michel Roux, the daddy of both lovely Michel Roux Jnr and pastry cooking in general. He was giving the remaining four contestants a masterclass in making the ultra-tricky croquembouche. But here all my (probably fantasy) credibility as a foodie deserted me, because in my eyes, this towering French choux ball structure looked like a heap of Pizza Express doughballs piled up into the shape of a wizard hat with a load of hairy fluff from Dougal (the Magic Roundabout dog) scattered over the top with random almonds stuck on for no reason I could discern.

Don’t get me wrong. I adore puddings and I adore Michel Roux, and eating any of the wonders that come out his legendary kitchen would make me a very happy woman indeed. I just didn’t quite get why a croquembouche is held in such high regard.

Actually, I blame Iceland (the frozen food manufacturer, not the country that produced Björk). Their ghastly Kerry Katona/Jason Donovan pile ’em high ‘party’ ads have ruined the joy of choux pastry as a luxury item for me. I can’t look at profiteroles with respect any more, and essentially, a croquembouche is a monster pyramid of profiteroles minus the melted chocolate that is my favourite part anyway. With heaps of spun sugar. Life, in my view, is too effing short to spin sugar.

The X Factor Final: Two very, very long hours

Over 19 million people tuned in for The X Factor final last night. Even Coronation Street didn’t manage that many, and they had a tram crash and Jane Danson producing actual snot on live television.

So what were the 19 million X Factor viewers getting for their money? And did they go to bed afterwards feeling their time had been well spent?

Fervent fans of Matt Cardle will doubtless have felt a warm glow upon seeing him crowned as King of The Jungle (sorry, wrong show) X Factor winner, and will be downloading his Biffy Clyro song as we speak. Biffy Clyro themselves will presumably be thrilled at the prospect of that lovely royalty money.

But, as a show, it was, frankly, dismal. Two hours were filled by eight new song performances and then a whole load of “let’s take a look at your X Factor journey,” and “here’s a reminder of what happened last night/just before the break.” I really didn’t need reminding of the creepy/awkward way Matt leered at Rihanna as she towered over him menacingly during their duet.

The “judges,” if we can call them that, plumbed new depths of cliché. Every judge told every act that they “deserved to be there.” Cheryl Cole marvelled at how everyone had “grown” over the weeks. They all agreed that Rebecca Ferguson is a “marvellous role model.”

As the will to live ebbed gently out of me, Dermot assured us that there was about to be “one last surprise.” Who or what could it be? Prince, perhaps? His name had been mentioned. Or maybe David Bowie and a hologram of Bing Crosby would join Cher Lloyd and Gamu in a festive mash-up version of Little Drummer Boy?

But no. It was Take That. Again. And they sang that boring song they sang a few weeks ago. Even they looked bored.

It’s two hours of my life that I’ll never get back.

Posted by PLA

The X Factor: Bye bye Wagner and Katy. Hello semi-finalists

I haven’t been blogging much about this year’s X factor. The mojo quite simply drained out of me the week that Aiden Grimshaw was sacrificed in favour of Katie “Column Inches” Waissel. Saturday nights became Not Quite The Same once there was no gothically brooding eye candy for me to enjoy.

Matt doesn’t count as eye candy because, to put it bluntly, he has no neck. This is why he failed to resemble anything remotely describable as “sexy” even when he forgot to put his shirt on last week. I suspect this wouldn’t have been an issue with Nicolo, but sadly we’ll never know. And One Direction certainly don’t count as eye candy as I realised with shock when I found I was sizing them up as future son-in-law material (Harry Styles, start worrying now).

Anyhoo, back to the “competition,” such as it is. This week we finally got rid of Wagner, which is ironic considering he was finally allowed to try singing, rather than prancing around ogling the dancers and looking creepy. Double irony that the song he was finally allowed to try and sing was Radiohead’s ‘Creep.’ Is Louis Walsh the only person who didn’t suss that having your sub-talented act singing a song with the words “I don’t belong here” was just asking for trouble?

Katy Waissel has no sooner got back from the hairdressers after asking “for an Emma Watson” and failing to take her ears into account, than she’s been flung onto the heap marked Scrap. Her major crime this week, according to Simon, was singing a chopped-about version of REM’s ‘Everybody Hurts.’ He has a point, but her main crime was not singing it while skipping around the stage and yelling “C’mon, boys!” at a troupe of inappropriate dancers. Simon liked it when she used to do that.

So this leaves us limping into the semi-final in the company of Tesco Mary, who bellows rather than sings but that never did Tom Jones’s career any harm; Matt and his lack of neck; my future son-in-law Harry and his bandmates; the living embodiment of raw ambition that is Cher Lloyd; and Rebecca Ferguson.

Ah, Rebecca Ferguson. I’m going to sound all Louis Walsh now and say that there’s nothing I don’t like about Rebecca. She’s Scouse, for a start, which is brownie points from the get-go as far as I’m concerned. Her singing voice is fabulous, a little bit Aretha, a little bit Randy Crawford and Shara Nelson. She seems like a genuinely nice person. And I love how even the X Factor stylists haven’t managed to mess with her image. She came into the competition with that 60s retro thing going on, and she still does. Rebecca for the win!

Posted by PLA

The X Factor: Keep your desperation hidden

When magazines are dishing out advice to teens about attracting a partner, the advice is always to not look too desperate. Desperation is a very unattractive quality.

This is advice which Storm Lee would have been wise to heed, because what’s off-putting in a potential mate is similarly disastrous when it comes to TV popularity contests. So often we hear contestants wailing, “I really want this. I really, really want this,” as if wanting something automatically entitles you to have it.  No, it doesn’t. “You’ve not seen the last of me yet,” Storm uttered through clenched teeth as he made his X Factor exit. Frankly he looked as though the next time we see him he might be brandishing an Uzi in the general direction of Simon Cowell, he was that cross.

With Storm down the drain, it was up to the judges to choose either Belle Amie or Diva Fever to join him. I was surprised that the other judges all voted for Diva Fever to go, rather than mixing up their vote to force Simon to choose between his two acts. He’d have jettisoned the Divas anyway, because he keeps banging on about how the country “needs” another girl group. Obviously we don’t need them that much, particularly ones who are as rubbish as Belle Amie.

Saturday night’s show was very, very strange. The theme was “musical heroes,” but it was very loosely applied. Most of the contestants blew the pretence that they were singing songs by their heroes by cheerfully admitting, “I’m so glad Cheryl/Dannii/Louis/Simon chose this song for me.” I can’t really imagine that the members of Belle Amie had long cherished an ambition to sing a Kinks song, and Diva Fever relied on the name “Barbra Streisand” simply turning up in their song to give it some hero connotation.

Sunday night was possibly even stranger, thanks to guest artistes Katy Perry and Diana Vickers. Vickers is a loser from a previous show who has inexplicably become quite famous. She stomped around the stage without any trousers on screeching charmlessly. This was followed by Katy Perry (whom I hate almost as much as I hate Kirsty Allsopp and Cat Deeley), who took Vickers’ charmless screech and returned it in triplicate. Awful, but at the same time very inspiring if you happen to be a current contestant – see just how far you can go with very little talent and a lot of chutzpah.

At which point I realise I’ve gone full circle and contradicted what I said right at the beginning. Maybe there is a chance for Storm Lee after all – if he really, really wants it.

Posted by PLA                              (more X Factor posts here)

The X Factor: It’s a mad world

Well, hasn’t The X Factor stirred up a storm of publicity this year? We’ve had Cheryl’s malaria, Gamu-gate, Cher allegedly having eating disorders/being a bully, and a whole pile of lurid stuff involving Katy and various ugly men.  And that was all before the live shows started. Simon Cowell must be a very happy man.

Finally the live shows opened on Saturday with an “unexpected twist” that would only have been unexpected if you’d spent the previous week in solitary confinement. Via the medium of Twitter I even knew what colour cars the judges would use to get to the homes of Treyc (pronounced Tracy), Wagner (pronounced Vargner), Paije (pronounced Page rather than Pie-heh) and Diva Fever (rhymes with Caoimhe) to give them the shock news that they’d best get their teeth whitened as a matter of urgency (no-one is allowed on The X Factor with off-white teeth), because they were due on live TV come Saturday.

Thanks to the addition of all these wild card acts (presumably so there can be a double eviction on weekends when ITV want extra big ratings), the procession of acts was seemingly endless,  and many of them were pretty unmemorable. There were some notable exceptions.

Aiden Grimshaw. Oh my lord. Aiden Grimshaw. That was completely unexpected. In his auditions he was good, with a kind of edgy vulnerability that made him very watchable. When he appeared centre stage sitting on a throne, with moody lighting, and the opening bars of Mad World (Gary Jules version) struck up, I was expecting an Adam Lambert copycat (all sweet and fragile). But no – the lad from Blackpool decided to go angry and anguished. Previously criticised for not opening his eyes while he sings, he used them to good effect to sullenly stare the camera down. It was brilliant – I had to watch it twice.  Makes me wonder what he’ll do in Abba week, though.

Another thing I enjoyed was Katy Waissel’s helmet. Not Katy’s performance, just her helmet. Multicoloured perspex, it was. I wondered if she had the lyrics of We Are The Champions printed on the inside of her visor, because she’s not had much success so far with remembering lyrics. She played a keyboard which was loosely balanced on a couple of men. Brian Friedman has obviously been heavily influenced by Lady Gaga’s previous bathtub performance.

I seem to remember a time, long, long ago, when X Factor contestants would trot out on the stage and sing their song with a few lighting effects if they were lucky. The presence of a small troupe of backing singers would be decried by Louis Walsh as “a gimmick.” Now you can hardly see the actual performers for the Vegas-sized array of dancers, acrobats, clowns, elephants, water features and pyrotechnics. This is the Brian Friedman effect. The empty stage is his enemy, standing still drives him crazy, grey is not allowed. All must be colour, movement and expressing the lyrics via the medium of dance in a way that hasn’t been seen since Pan’s People.

Having said that, another stand-out performance of the night was Tesco Mary’s rendition of ‘This is A Man’s World,’ which involved rather less prancing around than was going on elsewhere. She gave the song some serious welly and looked every inch the diva, though for future ref. a dress is generally more flattering than a jumpsuit.

Nicolo was described as a “diva” in his audition, and for that reason alone I’d have liked him. Sadly you can’t work your diva stuff properly while wearing sunglasses (it’s all about the eyes, darling), and someone should have had a word. Cheryl did have a word, but only after he’d finished singing. I don’t know if it would have made any difference in the end – he came last in the vote and it was ciao to Nicolo.

Then, in a sing-off between Katy and boyband FYD, the judges dumped the band. Of course they did – they hadn’t generated a single scandalous headline all week. Lightweights.

Posted by PLA             (more X Factor posts here)

The National Television Awards: Winners and (Bad) Losers

A big night in British Television for those who care about seeing celebrities take away an ornament after a self indulgent speech.

The usual suspects were dominant like the unstoppable Ant and Dec going away with two awards, including Most Popular Entertainment Personality for the 907th time running and Doctor Who taking everything drama related.   

They also  handed out a very well deserved Achievement Award to the brilliantly witty and likeable Stephen Fry, who had the likes of Hugh Laurie, Prince Charles, Jo Brand and…uhh…Harry Potter…singing his praises.

O…M…F…G…sounds so much funnier in a posh British accent!

Corrie’s Craig Gazey (who plays the hilarious Graeme Proctor) picked up a well deserved Most Popular Newcomer Award and his speech proves that he is EXACTLY like his Corrie character. Touchingly, he dedicated his award to the late, great Maggie Jones.

But the night wasn’t without its disasters. We had to sit through Jedward’s new single and Joe McElderry opened the show and made me realise how quickly you can get sick of somebody. With the insufferable Dermot O’Leary presenting and constant close ups of Simon Cowell throughout (I wonder if he slipped someone some money for some extra exposure) I almost thought I was watching the X Factor.

Cringe!

And then there was the Most Popular Serial Drama Award (Or Best Soap as us commoners call it).  Coronation Street took the honours after what some classed as a ropey year and all of a sudden, if you wandered onto an open discussion forum or tuned into the news, there was public outcry, most notably from bitter Eastenders fans. Why the fans were so devastated that something they never worked on wasn’t rewarded, I’m not sure, but petitions have been flying out and ITV have been accused of ‘bias’ as they showed a 3 minute clip to celebrate the upcoming 50th anniversary of Corrie. (They also had a segment of Dermot going through the suspects of EE Who Killed Archie mystery but this was conveniently forgotten)

The BBC put in an official complaint…