My word it was all kicking off in Coronation Street last night. Which other street in the space of an hour can boast a missing child, a funeral, an arrest for murder, a pregnancy announcement, a first date, a factory takeover and the return of a much-loved resident from a very long cruise?
Little Simon Barlow went AWOL on a trip to Blackpool with his Granddad George, after overhearing George’s intention not to let Simon’s alcoholic dad Peter anywhere near him ever again. Against the odds (the fact that he’s miserable, grumpy, chaotic and looks like he smells unpleasant), Simon is very fond of Peter, so off he trotted to lose himself among the fairground attractions of the pleasure capital of the north.
You can imagine all sorts of terrible fates awaiting a six year old under these circumstances, and that’s exactly what his various relatives were doing. The hunt for him was frantic and forlorn, and after searching all night, Peter, Leanne, Ken and Deirdre retreated home to Weatherfield to await news.
Then there was a knock on the door. Simon. He’d only managed to navigate his way from Blackpool to Manchester and then Weatherfield by himself! “How did you buy a ticket?” his elders wanted to know. Simon rolled his eyes. “Have you never heard of ticket machines?” Scriptwriters, darlings, have you never heard of plausibility? It was all a tiny bit lazy, but there was so much going on elsewhere that there wasn’t really time to ponder it. We were just all glad the wee mite was home safely.
Talking of wee mites, Molly is currently With Child (I don’t mean she’s started hanging out with Amy Barlow because no-one else will talk to her, I mean she’s pregnant). Kevin is presumed to be the father of the child, as he and Molly were at it like rabbits in motels and lay-bys just before Christmas, but I wouldn’t rule out Tyrone either. Karaoke can be a powerful aphrodisiac.
Anyway, Kevin’s response to the news was typically gracious. “Get rid!” he recommended, and said he’d pay for a private get-riddance, but if Molly decided to keep the baby he’d want nowt to do wi’ it. “You’d make a great father!” Molly protested, trying to block out of her mind the inconvenient truth that he already is one.
It was Joe’s funeral. Tina didn’t want Gail there, but she turned up anyway, and when Tina left the church to have a cry, Gail stepped up to deliver the eulogy that Tina had been going to do. This didn’t sit well with Tina, who called the police and told them Gail had asked her to lie about Joe.
Having just buried her husband, Gail was arrested for his murder. Continue reading