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UK Soaps: A year where being a beautiful young woman meant death

EmmerdaleAnyone who is anyone in the UK British soap magazine world knows that today, the results of the Inside Soap Awards 2014 are revealed, about half a year since they were launched. I call them the Inside Soap Awards 2014, but I prefer to know them as ‘The ‘Which Soap has the most dedicated multi-voting fans awards 2014.’

Either way, it’s got me thinking (dangerous stuff, I know) about the last year in the world of soap. Here, I reflect on a year of underwater escapades, murders of beautiful young women, collapsing attic floors, rooftop death dramas, dramatic house fires and Steve McDonald.

I know, given the fact that I write here about all soaps, that I should display some degree of impartiality, but I’ll openly declare that I have mostly voted Emmerdale this year. So, that’s as good a place to start as any. It’s been a blockbuster year in Britain’s most eventful village and not a leek show in sight. Instead of village fetes and sheep shearing, we’ve seen armed sieges, rooftop plunges and Charity Macey getting slapped about the chops with her husband’s meat tenderiser.   Continue reading

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Coronation Street: Where are you sticking that banana?

medium_i8mWYB5FgnmANF-9Im0Mqn_WHv1-PpR2yrr5tconb8MLast night’s Corrie double had it all didn’t it? Ongoing feuds exploding across the Street, veiled threats of prison violence, dodgy ex husbands threatening suicide whilst preparing a reunion dinner, exhaust pipes being stuffed with fruit, dog-napping by a child assisted by lesbian teens, pill popping mothers lying to GPs and, of course Gerogia May Foote dressed to the nines in a lovely blue number for the standard Weatherfield Monday night out.

The main story of the night was Todd inserting his banana into an exhaust pipe (please, do grow up) in order to cause a distraction that would allow him to sneak into the garage and steal an apple. No, you haven’t wandered into an alternate dimension; this was genuinely the basis of the main storyline from last night’s Corrie. And still, it outrated every other TV show yesterday by over a million viewers.

Let’s delve a little deeper (into the storyline, forget Todd’s banana). Todd is feeling a little put out as he is taking the flack for something which is almost entirely his fault. Wanting to lash out at Tyrone and Foghorn Fiz, he decided to leave a chilling message by nabbing the remainder of Luke’s lunch from under their noses.   Continue reading

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Coronation Street: Krazy Kirsty?

The moment Tyrone approached her in the quietest nightclub in the country and she eagerly got her claws into him, I knew there was something not right with Kirsty. She follows all of the Street’s regular rules for being an established psychopath and I can guarantee that within six months from now, she will be driving her cop car into a canal with Tyrone and Tina tied up inside or she’ll be blowing up the garage.

How do I know this? Well, just take a look at the quirks and rules followed by previous Street fruitcakes and see how many boxes loopy Kirsty ticks…

Corrie Psycho Rule Number One: Develop an inexpicably over the top obsession in a somewhat bland love interest. Let’s face it, despite his adorable, teddy bear-esque nature, Tyrone is no oil painting. He’s not really even a Crayola Wax crayon scrawl. Sure, there are many women who would love to give him a hug and tell him that there is someone out there for him, but not many would be willing to actually BE that woman. Well, Kirsty isn’t just being that woman, she’s excelling to the point where she wants to spend 24 hours of each and every day in his company. Maria and Molly couldn’t even cope with evenings in front of the box with him! So is Kirsty besotted and sees a side in the bumbling mechanic that no one else does or is she several tangerines short of a fruit basket? Continue reading

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Coronation Street: Can I please adopt Tyrone Dobbs?

Monday’s Corrie was a total heartbreaker. Married only a year ago, Molly and Tyrone Dobbs quickly fell into  a life of cosy domesticity. This may have carried on indefinitely, had Molly not had a taste of the thrilling excitement that is Kevin Webster. By the apparently simple expedient of exchanging one dozy, hairy mechanic for another, she’s realised that she wants more from life.

“I want more from life,” she told her confused husband. He was confused because he’d already given her a karaoke machine for Christmas – what more from life could you want? You can’t be subtle with Tyrone, so she spelled it out for him. “I don’t love you any more.” Well, Tyrone’s little face.  Alan Halsall doesn’t often get to do much acting that doesn’t involve tucking enthusiastically into a pie/a pint/a good karaoke session, but when he does, he can break your heart.

Sadly Tyrone’s not the brightest spanner in the toolbox, and the best argument he could come up with to get Molly to stay was “We were the new Jack and Vera.” Who, apart from Tyrone, wouldn’t find that idea phenomenally depressing?

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Coronation Street: It’s Tyrone I feel sorry for

coronation-street-molly-kevFans of Michael Le Vell’s hairy chest (are there any? Probably, because it takes all sorts) will be in seventh heaven currently, as the hunky mechanic has been displaying his torso toupee fairly regularly. He’s having what the tabloids are no doubt referring to as a “steamy affair” with Molly Dobbs, purveyor of over-priced produce at Dev’s corner shop, and wife of Kev’s business partner Tyrone.

And it’s Tyrone I feel sorry for. He might be a bit dim, but his heart’s in the right place (and he could probably thrash Kirk in a pub quiz. Damned by faint praise, I know). He may be a bit boring and a bit thoughtless as a husband – but just look at his little face! He looks like a marsupial in overalls! How could you even think of hurting him, Molly you tramp?

On the subject of tramps, reformed prostitute Leanne and reformed alcoholic Peter Barlow are back together again in Weatherfield’s own version of Leaving Las Vegas. It’s all so flapping romantic it hurts.

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