Gene Simmons says I can jam with the band
Everyone cried buckets in this episode. It was a mass waterworks, or in some cases, bloodworks. Bill started it when Sookie broke up with him. As ground for the split she could have cited her hospitalisation owing to him having drained her entire blood supply, but focused instead on them not being a normal couple. Well, yeah Sook: he’s dead. Sookie’s eyes also ran with tears, but who noticed them when Bill cried so much blood he resembled a member of Kiss?
Sookie snivelled again later when Alcide had to go off and be manly somewhere else. They nearly kissed but they are both too upright and anyway they both have a fatal taste for the poignant. So off he went, leaving Sookie to defend her much-attacked home by herself.
Then Jessica joined in the weep-fest. It was sweet the way she threw her arms round Bill, then she lost it when he said he would release her. ‘I – sob – don’t – sniff – want you to!’ she wailed. Bill finally agreed she could stick around, but insisted she learn techniques to see off baddies. They had a terrific practice fight session which made one feel they were really bonding in father-daughter-slo-mo-Matrix style. Though I guess not all fathers insist their girls pick up street smarts to help them track down and scoff werewolves.
The only moment when no-one was crying
Tara wasn’t crying, but she was staring straight ahead of her in traumatised fashion. I wasn’t sure if it was because of all she had been through with Franklin, or because Lafayette was giving her a foot massage. She soon got her act together for some girl-talk with Sookie. One minute they were holding hands in the sun, reminiscing about all the people they’ve known who’ve died lately (this took a while); the next she was chastising Sookie for her soppy adherence to Bill, love and country music: ‘At the end of those songs those dumb bitches always end up dead.’
Let me straighten your necklace, Your Maj.
Hot on the heels of the most amusing episode, this was the most tense – possibly ever, but certainly in this series. My stomach was in knots from the start, and my dreams were filled with blood and torture. Terrific stuff, chaps – keep up the good work! As well as being stressful, this episode raised as many questions than it answered. Which was no mean feat, as it answered a lot of questions an’ all. Here are my top ten questions yet to be addressed:
1. As Russell is almost 3000 years old, why is he called Russell? It’s apparently an old French name: but surely it’s not biblically old? Perhaps he changed his name because Talbot thought Methuselah didn’t go with the decor. Ok, I guess I’ve answered that one.
2. Bill seems a smart guy. So why, if he wanted to be of any use at all to the captured Sookie, did he stake a vampire guard? He knew it wouldn’t go down well. Neither did his attempt to spike Russell. Talbot was once again appalled by the mess on his carpet. Poor chap, I do feel for him. Blood is so hard to get out of soft furnishings – just ask Sookie. I wish they’d distract Talbot by having Eric flirt shamelessly with him. Oh yes, so they have.
3. Hasn’t Tara been watching True Blood? I can’t believe she thought that smashing Franklin’s head in with a silver mace would finish him off. He’s going to turn up all healed next episode, you mark my words, and he’s going to be rather miffed. A stake, cupcake, that’s what you need: a stake. Say after me: ‘I need a stake.’
Thanks for the flowers, Franklin. And, uh, the rope.
Episode of the Series is hereby awarded to this week’s roller-coaster of delights. The last few episodes were slightly in danger of losing their sense of humour, so embroiled were they in action, plot and blood. But this week there were so many light – darkly light – moments to savour. Most involved my new favourite couple, Franklin and Tara. From him jealously strangling her when she received a text from Lafayette, and Tara choking out ‘He’s – my – cousin – and – he’s – gay!’, to Franklin texting him back: ‘Watch how fast I can type motherfucker,’ I love every crazy minute these two spend together. Admittedly, in Tara’s case those minutes are spent somewhat unwillingly and indeed, tied up. Franklin’s nuts about Tara, as well as being just nuts. He told Russell, ‘She’s such a fucking disaster, we could be twins’ and bust into great racking, psychotically over the top blood-stained sobs after Tara tried to escape. Their brief romance stepped up a pace when Franklin offered to take her out for a ‘last dinner,’ because he was planning to turn her into his vampire bride. Her Hammer House of Horror expression on receiving this proposal was a thing of beauty.
Ok, you might be taller than me, and VERY cute, but... my damn rug!
Even before the credits, Eric violently savaged a werewolf in Sookie’s house. What IS it with that house? Makes Amityville look like a retirement home for gentlefolk. Sookie ought to just redecorate in red, it’d save so much on Mr Muscle. Eric was unrepentant that he’d added to the mess. ‘I got your rug all wet,’ he growled, through a faceful of werewolf blood.
The credits provided brief respite before we were plunged into the King of Louisiana’s palace, silver-lined doors and burning ex-girlfriends a speciality. Talbot was most displeased that a valuable tapestry was used to put Lorena out, but the King dismissed him with a camply-arched eyebrow, and settled down to give Bill a little homily on love and humans, leaving the usually opinionated Bill quite speechless.
We got quite a bit more Bill back-story: how he tried to return to his wife after becoming a vampire (doh! Bad idea, Bill), and how Lorena came after him with her infuriating belief that there’s no such thing as too much make-up. It shows how evil Lorena is that I was amazed she merely glamoured Bill’s wife, rather than biting a hole in her neck and ruining yet another perfectly good rug. Poor old Bill just cannot shake off Lorena; she is the thick-skinned sort who considers mere stalking a tame way to court love. Her cunning plan was that Bill would turn down the King and thus get Sookie killed, but Bill thwartingly renounced his allegiance to Louisiana. Then he started shagging Lorena violently – and when I say violently, I mean he twisted her head all the way round to the opposite side of her neck so he wouldn’t have to look at her – with all of us yelling, ‘No, Bill! NO!’ It was the most disturbing sex scene in TB by far, and that includes all those other ones that you can think of.