Tag Archives: Sarah Parish

Mistresses: Return of the wine slurping whiners

So here we are, back again, with an opening in the tradition of Shirley Conran’s Lace, when Lili says to a group of women she has gathered, who were once bezzie mates, “Which of you bitches is my mother?” Not as good as that of course, nothing could be, but in the first episode of the new series of Mistresses we have a similar forced gathering of the coven by Katie (Sarah Parish) in which it becomes clear that none of the women is on speaking terms. Excellent fun. I think we can guess, boys and girls, that the palpable loathing has been caused by these women shagging husbands and/or lovers of their mates in any conceivable combination. Possibly every conceivable combination, that’s the fun of it. But anyhoo, just as the fourth witch arrives and says ‘this had better be good’, we get a ‘six months earlier’ strapline (should that have read ‘sex months earlier? I think so).

So, ‘six months previously’ we kick off with Trudi baking pastel coloured cupcakes night and day like a culinary dervish, neglecting unemployed accountant, now house husband, Richard (Patrick Baladi, regrettably lacking a bit of manly ooomph in this). At home with the laundry and squabbling teenage girls, he is being comforted by sometime high-flying consultant, now GP (who never actually seems to do any work, presumably because it would get in the way of her wine drinking) Katie (Parish). We see them cosily drinking wine and smoking on the step of Trudi’s house, where Baladi wins the award of  most atrocious portrayal of casual smoking by an evident non-smoker this year. These two are going to move from alcohol and nicotine to shagging soon too, you can tell. And so could Katie’s mum, Vivienne, played by Joanna Lumley, who arrives upon this scene and sees it for what it is.

Lovely to see Joanna Lumley, who always looks like she could drink any of these women under the table and emerge with her hair perfectly coiffed. She, we discover, has returned from one of many of her mature ‘gap years’ with a new boyfriend in tow (Dale) and plans to sell the family house to buy a ranch with him near Cape Town.

In another corner, we have Jess (Conn) failing to get pregnant, with financial troubles with IVF looming. Sorry to be such a kill-joy, but infertility is always such a downer. I know, in the real world, it’s a serious and awful thing people have to undergo, but in this show, I’m not interested in reality. I want things to be as frothy as silly as pink Lambrusco.

Finally, we have Siobhan (Brady) and now three-year old daughter Elsa awaiting the arrival of Elsa’s daddy, Siobhan’s one time office shag-buddy, Dominic. Who, it transpires, has recently got engaged to a new blonde, despite Siobhan clearly harbouring hopes that their saucy shenanigans against the photocopier might be about to be rekindled.

So, in short, we’re kicking off with a fair amount of angst, alcohol and baked goods and not a lot of sex. Do buck up in episode 2, ladies, you’ve six months worth of betrayal and pregnancy tests to pack in.

Posted by Inkface

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Twatbox: Amanda Holden

I had no problem with Amanda Holden as an actor. She did bitchy very well, and I liked her very much as Mia in the entertaining hairdressing drama Cutting It opposite Sarah Parish. The women out-shone the men in it, and in the weekly  battle of the clippers, they were equals. It was a fair fight.

I didn’t view gossip about her marriage problems, relationship with Neil Morrisey and subsequent divorce from Les Dennis to be any of my darn business. I was holding my tongue about her as judge on Britain’s Got Talent because I’m not sure how much you can judge a person sitting next to Simon bloody Cowell.

However, my dislike for her began to grow (along with loathing for the whole patronising bunch of tossers on the judging panel) with her first reaction to seeing Susan Boyle on the show. She has the sort of prissy little nose I associate with Disney characters and nasty girls who thought they ran the school playground à la the film Heathers. And upon sight of Ms Boyle, she turned it right up. Sneering in character is fine and appropriate, not at a real person, not when you’ve been blessed with conventional good looks, wealth and you wield a lot of power in the world.

But it was later, on  another show, after Susan Boyle’s success, that I really could cheerfully have shoved a mud pie in her smug, silly face. She was referring to Boyle’s ‘little problem’ of facial hair. Oh yes Amanda, very big, very witty and clever of you to mock her for having a beard and not hiding it well enough. I doubt she’d come across laser treatment, or could have afforded it. Unlike you, she didn’t have access to a wealth of beauticians, stylists, plastic surgeons, personal trainers and designer gowns.

Got you a cheap laugh didn’t it, at the expense of someone not equipped with your poison tongue and not in a position to get back at you for your vanity, vacuity and imbecility? Not a fair fight. Shame on you, Amanda, for your unprovoked unkindness.

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Saucy sorcery

sarah pInklet is concerned he will have nightmares after viewing Merlin, so instead of seeing it Saturday evenings, we snuggle in bed Sunday mornings with tea and biscuits and watch it in on i-player.

My teenage objects of desire keep turning up on the show, which makes for marvellous family entertainment as far as I’m concerned.

a headAs a regular, we have Anthony Head as the idiot Uther Pendragon. Fool he may be, but the man is still yummy. I’ve always had a thing about his sexy mouth. Which is a shame, because it went to horrible places last week. Predictably, he ended up snogging Sarah Parish, but less predictably, she was in full stinky, green-breathed troll mode (her ‘beautiful damsel’ makeover had slipped thanks to Merlin’s meddling with her potion).

And what a great troll that woman made. The best proponent of method-acting farting I’ve ever seen. As is always the case in Merlin, all ended up well, tho’ Uther was a bit embarrassed when the enchantment that had been placed on him wore off and he realised what he’d been getting down and dirty with someone who chewed horse manure as a midnight snack. Not the kind of dirty he’d hoped for I imagine.

charles danceAnd to my pleasure, this week, on strode a delightfully butch and booted Charles Dance. Playing Aredian the Witchfinder, he has been invited by Uther to weasel out the source of the sorcery after, in a moment of boredom, Merlin had turned smoke from a fire into a rearing horse. Aredian is actually a nasty bit of work, a bounty hunter who uses trickery and torture to gain ‘confessions’.  He is but seconds away from having court physician, Gaius (Richard Wilson) burned at the stake before Merlin saves the day. Charles Dance spews a toad and then falls to his death out of a stained glass window.

This really is a show with its tongue in its cheek and an excellent twinkle in its eye.

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