Tag Archives: Paula Lane

EastEnders/Emmerdale/Coronation Street: Christmas crackers, chaos, carnage and….crap.

untitledAkin to over indulging in turkey, chocolates, Christmas pud and that ninth unnecessary glass of Baileys, Christmas Day is a time of an exhausting deluge of soaps. In exchange for making us sit through three whole hours of it (and if you’re a Downton Abbey fan, you’ll have been nursing square eyes on Boxing Day), we are assured that the episodes will be worth it by delivering epic festive drama, warmth, disaster and surprises by the bucket load.

If we’re going to be giving up our precious Christmas evenings (hey, I’m a busy man, I got a drinking game of Jenga as a gift) then the soaps should be pulling out all of the stops. It is an annual tradition that soaps pull out their big guns on the 25th December after all but this year has given us a bit of a mixed bag with my usual favourite Coronation Street falling disastrously flat while EastEnders lived up to it’s huge trailers and beyond, leaving me tired with so many family twists exploding out of the woodwork. Let’s take a closer (and, bitchier) look at what the three main shows had to offer…

Emmerdale: Bernice sleeps with Santa and Katie’s wedding ring calls her the village bike

imagesGYXMA91LIn an unusual tradition for Emmerdale, a couple had chosen to get married on Christmas Day (it was a whole year since this had happened), well and truly stealing Jesus’ thunder. It was Andy ‘wife beater’ Sugden and Katie ‘village bike’ Addyman’s second attempt at this whole matrimony thing and, much like last time, Andy’s spiteful brother Robert was an unwelcome spectre over proceedings albeit with a different face.

The siblings had been scrapping on their parent’s graves with one of them dressed as Geri Halliwell the previous night (keep it classy lads) so it was fair to say that relations between them weren’t exactly great on the day of the wedding. However, Robert’s bit of rough, Aaron, was on hand to give his part time nemesis and part time lover some words of advice that his ongoing venomous attitude is affecting his lil sister Victoria and so he offered full apologies to be taken back under Andy’s bulging bicep of a wing again.

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Coronation Street: A Christmas ditty

 

Coronation-Street-WK51On the cobbles of Corrie, there’s heartbreak afoot,
Lovelorn Gary has gotten the boot,
Alya’s family don’t think he’s a suit,
But when the Nazirs come on, I like to hit mute.

63641On the cobbles of Corrie, Nick Tilsley’s found hope,
Erica’s arrived to help him to cope,
She’s a bit of a flirt, she would shock the Pope,
As she eyes up her man and moves in for a grope.

soaps-corrie-8539-9On the cobbles of Corrie, Tracy’s stuck in a hole,
And sleazy Tony has his eyes on the goal,
She may be nasty and bereft of a soul,
But if only someone else had offered to console.

david-callum-kylie-coronation-street-4-460x297On the cobbles of Corrie, Kylie keeps hitting the speed,
Even though she has two children to feed,
Callum’s on the scene to exploit her greed,
But angry David will soon make him bleed.

Coronation_Street_spoilers__Michael_Rodwell_s_son_Gavin_revealed_to_be_an_impostorOn the cobbles of Corrie Michael thinks he’s found his son,
But little does he know that this ‘Gavin’s’ not the one,
He’s invited him for Christmas, oh won’t this be fun,
If Michael finds out, his dodgy ticker could be done.

mmmOn the cobbles of Corrie, Kirk and Beth’s big day draws near,
And the thought of their outfits brings nought but fear,
Still, they love each other, it’s a romance we hold dear,
Let’s hope there’s a Corrie wedding that won’t end in tears.

Coronation_Street_spoilers__brand_new_Christmas_2014_trailer_releasedOn the cobbles of Corrie it’s been a tough time of late,
So now is the time for the Street to celebrate,
There’s been some sad times, and cruel twists of fate,
Let’s hope they can start 2015 on a new slate.

Happy Christmas Corrie! Although, not TOO happy please…

Written By Our Man In The North

 

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Coronation Street: Where are you sticking that banana?

medium_i8mWYB5FgnmANF-9Im0Mqn_WHv1-PpR2yrr5tconb8MLast night’s Corrie double had it all didn’t it? Ongoing feuds exploding across the Street, veiled threats of prison violence, dodgy ex husbands threatening suicide whilst preparing a reunion dinner, exhaust pipes being stuffed with fruit, dog-napping by a child assisted by lesbian teens, pill popping mothers lying to GPs and, of course Gerogia May Foote dressed to the nines in a lovely blue number for the standard Weatherfield Monday night out.

The main story of the night was Todd inserting his banana into an exhaust pipe (please, do grow up) in order to cause a distraction that would allow him to sneak into the garage and steal an apple. No, you haven’t wandered into an alternate dimension; this was genuinely the basis of the main storyline from last night’s Corrie. And still, it outrated every other TV show yesterday by over a million viewers.

Let’s delve a little deeper (into the storyline, forget Todd’s banana). Todd is feeling a little put out as he is taking the flack for something which is almost entirely his fault. Wanting to lash out at Tyrone and Foghorn Fiz, he decided to leave a chilling message by nabbing the remainder of Luke’s lunch from under their noses.   Continue reading

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Coronation Street: Just say no

Education’s not all it’s cracked up to be, is it? Michelle sent Our Ryan away to university thinking he would come back all educated and ready to earn an honest living and that, but what’s happened? His appearance has totally changed – indeed, one might even think he wasn’t the same person any more – and he’s been thrown out of college and has taken up a cocaine habit.

The morphing into a new actor bit is a considerable improvement. Our Ryan Mark 1 bore an unfortunate resemblance to a Playmobil character and he had the acting talents to match. Ryan Mark 2 (Sol Heras) is somewhat easier on the eye and has presumably been chosen because of that and because he can handle “adult” storylines.

On the subject of which, are the Street’s citizens all so naive that nobody noticed he kept disappearing to the toilet at regular intervals and always came back with rather more of a spring in his step than when he went in? The ghastly truth of his descent into drugs hell was revealed last night when Michelle caught him at it, hoovering white powder off a toilet seat in the Rovers. The Rovers! There’s been no Class A activity in there since Becky got framed by a corrupt copper. At least we can rely on Stella to keep her surfaces clean. Who knows what he’d have inhaled in the Flying Horse? It’s all such a shock it’s no wonder poor, innocent Kylie Platt practically had a fit of the vapours when he offered her a line. The former cage dancer has apparently never been exposed to such corruption and decadence.

Elsewhere, poor Izzy has had to contend with the double trouble of a miscarriage and all the men in her life being a tad intense. It can’t be easy to find Gary looming just inches from your face at any given time.

I expect Carl is starting to feel the same about Sunita, who is trying her hardest to ignore the fact that he’s obviously not that bothered about her or her Beautiful Children and is trying to pretend she has found True Love. Really, Sunita. We know Dev has his drawbacks – a tendency to yodel in times of high emotion, a hairstyle from the 70’s and a strange enthusiasm for golf, but these are not reasons to dump him in favour of a gambling-addicted Len Fairclough lookalike who’d rather be with another woman and/or in the bookies than be with you. Have some self respect, woman.

Posted by PLA                 (More Coronation Street here)

 

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Coronation Street: The old home town looks the same. Apart from…

Liz McDonald has been away in Spain for ages. Since well before Christmas. She arrived back in the Street this week with a particularly unpleasant hairdo, but otherwise looking all perky and refreshed, and looking forward to catching up with all her friends and relatives, as you do.

Rather than the happy homecoming she expected, it’s been more like stumbling into The Stepford Wives or Invasion of the Bodysnatchers. Things in Weatherfield are most definitely not how they used to be.

The most obvious thing to most people would be that a tram has crashed into the street, necessitating a total rebuild of those Weatherfield institutions, The Corner Shop and The Kabin. Liz, however, is a family woman first and foremost, and is most keen to see her granddaughter, Our Amy, and ply her with straw donkeys and inflammable Spanish leisurewear. Shock number one: Our Amy has moved! Not very far, mind. She’s only the other side of the wall at the Barlows, with (shock number two!) her mum, Tracy. That’s Tracy Barlow, convicted murderer but released on a technicality (the technicality being that Weatherfield was short of a villain, with Tony Gordon gone. There’s only so much evil that Owen the Builder can manage in a half-hour episode).

Shock number three is that Tracy is working behind the bar at the Rovers. “My two favourite women behind the same bar!” beamed Deirdre, oblivious to the fact that Liz hates Tracy and the feeling is bound to be mutual because Tracy hates almost everybody.

The fourth shock is that Steve and Becky seem quite relaxed about this state of affairs. This is because of something which Liz doesn’t know yet, which will come as the biggest shock of all – Steve and Becky can’t defy Tracy, because if they do, Tracy will tell the authorities that Steve and Becky bought Becky’s nephew Our Little Maxie from Becky’s sister with cold, hard cash. Frankly this was a complete waste of money anyway because they hardly ever see him, what with him being stored in some secret annexe of the Rovers for most of the time.

Another thing Liz doesn’t know is about Becky looting the cash to pay for Our Little Maxie from Dev and Sunita’s safe, while Sunita lay wounded in the rubble of the shop following the tram crash (it doesn’t sound very good when you put it like that, does it?). Liz almost found out about this when she experienced shock number five: the previously sunny Sunita was definitely a bit frosty to Liz when she went to buy Jammy Dodgers. It’s not because Sunita disapproves of the jam-filled treats, it’s because she disapproves of the entire McDonald family these days.

Shock number six is that Becky’s sister, Kylie, is now engaged to David Platt. Liz is right to be totally outraged by this one – it is truly one of the most implausible and contrived storylines ever to besmirch the cobbles of Coronation Street.

Poor Liz. No wonder it’s all got her reaching for the Silk Cut. She’s going to need a holiday after all this lot.

Posted by PLA           (more Corrie posts here)

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