Firstly, apologies for the lateness of this missive. It’s taken 2 whole days to lever my jaw back off of the floor after the sheer witlessness of this week’s antics of our favourite bunch of halfwi- I mean Business Entrepreneurs.
Thankfully I’m now re-Covered – I make this hilarious witticism as one of the mags created as part of this week’s task was called Covered! Re-Covered! Do you see?! (We’ve spoken about this before, VG – I’ve a shepherd’s crook and I’m not afraid to use it- Bad Pun Ed.).
Anyway, time for Velocity Girl’s Non-Exhaustive Run Down Of The Least Bad Bits!
This Week’s Task – Create a free magazine in a day and then spend a day pitching it to advertisers. Minus side – it involves the Apprentices (should the plural in fact be Apprenticii? Oh I don’t know, I’m still traumatized by Pants Man) being creative. Exhibit A – Slangatang. Exhibit B – EveryDog. Etc, etc. On the plus side – no more high-visibility jackets! Every cloud no longer has an eye-burningly neon lining!
This Week’s Runners and Riders – Team Illogic, led by Natasha-yeah (this appeared to be her name, given how often she said it) with (in)capable support from Helen (who?), Tom, Leon and Melody. Their fierce competition this week? Team Ill-Thought-Out Venture, led by our old favourite Lucky Jim. I was particularly pleased at this turn of events, as it gave us a further chance to observe Jim’s sudden and spectacular transformation from Richard Curtis film to Alfred Hitchcock film. If they’d shown a scene of him trapped in a darkened room squinting through a telescope, I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. His unfortunate victims team mates this week were Glenn, Zoe and Susan, which goes to show that everybody gets their Just Desserts in the end.
Mummy, make the bad man go away now, please.
This Week’s Upsetting Pseudo-Sexual Encounter – Zoe and Jim. Oh god, Zoe and Jim. Jim: “Nayw, we’ve not werked together befayre, Zoe, so we haven’t!” Zoe: “heeeheeheeheeHEEEE”. Imagine Adam’s Rib, except with Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn both replaced with SHARKS.
This Week’s Sensible People Who Are Sensible And Therefore Ignored – Helen and Tom. In true Apprentice style, they went to see the focus group and came back with lots of helpful insights about how they shouldn’t make their lads mag (I know, they’re partying like it’s 1996) too, erm, laddy. Which was promptly ignored by Human Bulldozer Natasha, yeah, who, really likes using boobs, yeah, to sell things, yeah (oh shut up, I’m still not as annoying as her). Seriously though, Helen seems to be gradually coming to the fore, helped by her victory as PM (Project Manager, not Prime Minister, although given the way the world’s going…). Plus she came up with the name, “Covered”. Which was considerably better than…
This Week’s Worst Idea Ever– So, Jim’s Lot, you’re pitching a magazine at the over 60s, who are actually an untapped market and shouldn’t just be written off as old and duff. So what do you call your magazine? Hip Replacement. I’m sorry, I’ll just say that again. HIP REPLACEMENT. The look on Nick’s incredibly-offended face was enough to stop the programme and in fact should have done, for the dignity of the remaining participants.
This Week’s Best Conversation Ever– “Ideas for a name?” “Pension Mention?” “I don’t think you should mention pensions”. Beaudiful, man. Like Gilbert and Sullivan for the iPad generation. Or, er, something.
This Week’s Most Insightful Insight –Leon: “Our focus group was quite focused”. See above, I’m too busy weeping at the futility of it all.