Tag Archives: Melody

The Apprentice 711: Columbus at the Coliseum

Gratuitous pic of Tre from Series Three

In the normal run of things I don’t generally miss an Apprentice candidate once they’ve felt the wrong end of the pointy finger. I think back to the start of this series and can barely recall those who fell early. Alex? Felicity? Edward? (I had to look them up.) Even ones I thought I’d miss like Ellie (too normal for her own good) and Edna (off her head; leather gloves) are gone from my affections. Watching The Apprentice makes Roman emperors of us all. We sit on our comfy thrones watching funny little people doing crazy things for our amusement. If one of them gets gored by a lion, or whatever it was that went on in the Coliseum (why should I be expected to know this when other people think Columbus was the potato guy?), we just say ‘Who’s next?’ The Apprentice juggernaut is far bigger than its candidates.

Very occasionally a personality impresses itself so indelibly that it is remembered after its sell-by date. Stuart Baggs from the last series for instance; and I’ve always had a soft spot for Tre from Series Three because he was so stroppy and interesting. I might have to face up to the fact that actually I just really fancied Tre. But generally I don’t miss anyone after they’ve gone, except Margaret.

All that said, this week I did find myself missing Melody and her over-defined enunciation just a bit. I would have loved to have seen her in Helen and Tom’s team, insisting that ac-tu-ally it was Charlie Raleigh who liked to smoke potatoes and Byron studied poetry at Yale with Al Gore. I would also have been interested to see if Helen and Tom still decided to choose a nodding BNP bulldog equivalent of a restaurant with Melody present. Say what you like about Melody, go on, you know you want to, but she certainly didn’t look ‘100% British.’ Which was the best thing about her.

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The Apprentice 702: Who buys this cr-app?

As Qwerty Solo was off out galavanting and/or gadding about last night (she didn’t specify which), I was left to play Velocity Skywalker in her absence following her sterling First Night work here.

So, what did The Best Salespeople Ever to Honour The Humble Universe By Letting Their Glorious Feet Tread Upon It, which handily abbreviates to TBSETHTHUBLTGFTUI, come up with this time?

They had to do it without Exploding Edward the Angry Accountant, who bade us farewell in the previous instalment, presumably to go on to greater things in the medical profession or similar (“LOOK, I DON’T CARE if you’re haemorrhaging or WHATEVER, roll with the punches and SQUEEZE the BALLS out them ORANGES FASTER!”).

So, how did the remaining TBSETHTHUBLTGFTUI (see, catchy, eh?) do? I’ll answer this question with another – how many words are there in the English language for “bad”? Well, all of those. Possibly even more than that.

"I told you to only switch the blaaahdy computer on"

First and foremost, my thanks go to the programme makers by editing the swooshy music sound effects over the pictures so that SirAlun/LordShugah/EmperorAmstradAlmighty/whatever appeared to have morphed into a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Yo, Al! Join this band, they’d love to have you, I’m sure! AllyBaby then showed admirable range by resembling a wobbly-headed Thunderbirds puppet channelling Ray Winstone in the obligatory “listen up, you blaaahdy shlags!” style introduction video. Incidentally, this episode’s blaaahdy count = 0. Boo.

This episode’s Herculean, humanity-saving task was designing mobile phone apps for a global market. This was greeted by:

a)      Thomas The Inventor Engine (whom I rather like- solidarity for glasses wearers and all that) in a suit at 5am. To be fair, he had probably been up all night in it designing chocolate-coated teapots or similar;

b)      Much high-pitched squealing and nightwear-clad excitement (which was all rather Channel 5 for my tastes), apart from;

c)      Some groggy-looking girl in what appeared to be a zebra-print dressing gown. Given the CVs of the candidates generally, maybe her previous claim to fame was running a market stall with Robert Mugabe or something; and

d)      Lots of app-based puns that were by and large app-alling (oh shut up, it’s still better than Vincent the Musketeer’s tumbleweed-inducing “app-le” gag). Continue reading


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