I’ve not seen a single positive comment about Sharon’s wedding dress. It turns out it’s just as well she didn’t waste her money on something stunning from the Vivienne Westwood Bridal Collection, because she’s only gone and ruined it by getting it covered in blood. It’s not even her blood, either. “Phil’s been shot,” someone said. “Not again,” said Ian Beale, who’s been there and done that himself so it doesn’t impress him much.
Ronnie, knowing that faaamily comes before first aid, legged it with the gun. It was her gun anyway and she didn’t need the extra aggro, what with being pregnant and that. She only got it as far as the safe haven of the Arches, where it was last seen in the capable hands of Ben and Jay. “Capable” as in “of anything.” Continue reading
The gun which has been semi-concealed in a black and white checked bag for I don’t know how long has finally gone bang. When last seen it was in the trembling hands of Shirley, but there was a bit of a tussle for it between her, Phil and Sharon. The cameraman wisely got out of the way, so we were outside when the thing went off. Was anyone hurt? Tune in tonight etc.
Someone who was hurt, in a separate incident, was the Brannings’ dog. This dog is hardly ever seen, so when it appeared wagging its tail around the car that a drunk Abi was attempting to drive to Bolton on her own, it was no surprise that she didn’t get from “Mirror… signal…” to manoeuvre before there was a bang and a whimper. How hurt was the dog? Tune in tonight.
Abi wanted to get to Bolton in a hurry because Jay had just admitted he didn’t love her anymore and he loved Lola. Hence, he wouldn’t be joining Abi in Bolton after all. And he’s made her miss Freshers’ week as well.
Another person who’s decided to jog on (the Square is going to be empty soon at this rate) is Peter Beale. But why? And why did he ring policewoman Emma just after the wedding? Probably no point tuning in tonight on that one, because I doubt whether we’ll get those answers just yet.
Everyone loves a soap wedding. It’s the chance for all the cast members who aren’t on holiday and assorted non-speaking extras to don their finery and fascinators. It’s a time of romance, happiness, firearms and that moving moment when the vicar/registrar asks if anyone knows any lawful impediment and the embittered ex/drunk relative/etc gets shakily to their feet to deliver the killer blow (sometimes literally) – that is, if both the bride and groom have actually turned up in the first place.
The wedding of Sharon and Phil on EastEnders (or “Mr and Mrs Phil Mitchell,” as they are styling themselves, which sounds strangely old-fashioned to me) was never going to be uneventful. Even if they’d been on their own on a desert island those two could concoct some drama between them. Their speeches were all about trust and fresh starts, and we in the audience were quietly reminded that this might be a tricky proposition by Shirley (whom Phil “slept with” very recently) glaring at the newlyweds across the wedding breakfast of poshed-up cockles & whelks and pie & mash. Continue reading