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I’m a Celebrity: The mouses are getting excited with each other

VINCENT_SIMONEA Strictly/I’m a Celebrity mash-up, what could be better than that? Endearing Argentine tango expert Vincent Simone isn’t dancing the Strictly boards this year, and he’s joined the I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here bunch instead. He likes to put on the Italian stallion act, but frankly he’s more of a Thelwell pony with an adorable accent. He has become one of my favourites over the years, sweet once you see past the preposterous flirting and self-aggrandisement. His professional dancing partner is the fantastic Flavia Cacace, so you know he must be a decent sort.

His slippery grasp of English is always a delight. He and model/writer (and ex-wife of Midge Ure Wiki tells me) Annabel Giles were about to join the jungle gang last night. But only after an Aussie hat cork-threading challenge in a cabin, featuring increasing numbers of copulating rats, cockroaches and the usual bug suspects.

Annabel, who has a lovely line in dry wit, said she had been “Hoping to get a macho man to protect her”. Then realised she was going to have to BE that man. As the bugs and rodents streamed in, Vincent and Annabel leapt on chairs, clutched each other, screamed like banshees. Vincent plaintively crying “I want my Mama!”. His explanation for the fact that all the rats seemed to be shagging was: “My aura stimulates menopauses with them”.
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Eastenders: You look at the script, look at the weather, and think “Bollocks”

If ever we needed a clue that they film soaps well in advance, you only have to look at Eastenders at the moment. Albert Square is currently swathed in a thick coating of snow, the likes of which we haven’t seen round here (my moated dwelling is a mere stone’s throw from Elstree) since… ooh… a couple of months ago.

Normally it would just be a minor, chilly inconvenience for the cast and crew. Chuck on a scarf and don’t forget your thermals, and you’ll be fine. Unfortunately, the storyline demanded a lot of outdoor action and – of all things – gardening.

It’s supposed to be spring in Albert Square, and the Square itself is in dire need of sprucing up. Plus, Lucas has got a body buried out there, so the plot demands that every opportunity is taken to freak him out by almost digging it up. This means that, snow or no snow, Big Mo and her gang of helpers were out digging (“This ground’s a bit ‘ard!”) and filling up the borders with bedding plants.

Well, you don’t need to be Alan Titchmarsh to know that putting baby plants out when the temperature is five below is not a great idea, but the show must go on. Everybody pretended it was perfectly reasonable behaviour. But, by Eastenders standards, it probably is.

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