Queen v Lady Gaga. Wow, the theme that we all wanted only we didn’t know it. If the theme wasn’t exciting enough, we had the drama of Funtime Frankie being replaced by Amelia Lilly for being a lazy wastrel who couldn’t sing and having no discernible talent. What? He wasn’t kicked off for that? It was something to do with breaking a golden rule? *kisses teeth*
Ker-razy Kitty opened the show with a big old Queen number. She was in a massive huff in her VT because Misha was getting to sing ‘Born This Way’ and apparently that’s her song and she gets emotional if anyone else sings it. What a freak. So instead of that she sang ‘Don’t Stop me Now’ in her typical over the top style. As if to make up for having to sing her second choice song and to avoid her wrath she had been given a huge production budget. She had people pretending to be horses and all sorts. As ever I wasn’t that impressed with her vocal. She was sounding strainy again.
Craig sang ‘Papa-papa-ratzy.’ He sang it at full pelt and at its normal speed. Did he f^ck? He squeezed all the vibe out of it and turned it into a Craig special, and by that I mean he slowed it down, over emphasised a lot of the vowels and had dubious phrasing. It seems the only songs he can sing without dicking with them are Adele ones. The judges loved it but I thought it was a little boring and a bit of a cop out. We know Craig can sing. We need to see him bring the flavour. Continue reading
We all know the X Factor likes playing fast and loose with the theme, but this week they took the piss. “Dance floor classics” could have been more accurately renamed “Songs that people have danced to at some point over the last 50 years.” It was a double eviction week and we know how exciting those are. Personally I get all a-flutter. The only thing better than seeing one set of dreams dashed is seeing two sets of dreams dashed.
Johnny busted out a Madonna number and, compared to the average vocals of the divine Ms M, he wasn’t actually that bad. Then just to swish it up a bit more, he seamlessly segued into ‘You Spin Me Right Round.’ The comments he received were a bit ridiculous. Tulisa said he was predictable. Well, durr – Johnny always sings big camp numbers with dancers and a large slice of production values. As for Gary’s whinging? Whateves. His Mr Nasty stuff is wearing thin. I’m well bored of him telling people how happy they are or questioning if they liked their song.
‘I Want You Back’ was a freaking bizarre choice of song for The Devlin. Janet is hardly known for bringing the lolz. I don’t think the song suited her voice and it jarred with her awkward personality. I’m not even going to mention the dancing. Her hair looked good, though. Continue reading
This week we were treated to the worst kind of theme show. Not one that’s around a genre or artist, but a sort of made up holiday thing. Halloween songs? Really? Oh, ok then. Yes, all the obvious songs were sung.
The Risk opened the show with what might just be their 18th line-up change. Or it could be their 3rd. I’m not sure, as I lost interest a long time ago. They were lucky to survive really, as they had the death spot, a new line-up and had the audacity to sing a bizarre arrangement of Thriller. I was hoping Thriller would be saved for the Sunday group song. Can you imagine the horror of them miming to that? Yeah, that would truly evoke the Halloween spirit.
Johnny singing a song that mentions the devil was a bit of a cop out, but we did get a glimpse of his future employment. I’m pretty sure he’ll while away his post X Factor years lounging on a piano and singing the classics. It was nice to hear him sing properly. It’s been all too easy to forget that he can actually carry a tune. Continue reading
So this week the judges upped the ante and were at war. Or they were trying to create drama in a desperate attempt to gain viewers. It’s a sad state of affairs when a doddery old man at death’s door and a giant in an ill-fitting dress is beating X Factor in the ratings. It was Rock Week, so we had songs by Ke$ha and ballads. Ballad versions of songs that used to rock. In short, X Factor took famous songs and ripped the heart out of them like some kind of musical murderer.
Ahh, Marcus was in a super cute outfit, sorta like rock by numbers. A ripped tee and some jeans. Grr. He did put on a show for once and his performance was well received. I liked it but I wasn’t overly impressed, he seemed to get a bit screechy at points. Considering he’s more John Legend than John Lydon he still delivered in a week when the theme really wasn’t suited to him.
Craig has got some lungs on him. I really liked his performance but I question whether slowing down a rock song should have counted. I was surprised by his choice of song, but it really did suit him. I fear that if he doesn’t start doing stuff to stand out people might not vote for him and he could slip to the bottom of the results table as the viewers presume he’ll be safe.
Why the hell was Frankie’s VT just about him being a disgusting filth bag and going to low rent celeb clubs. Mahiki isn’t all that. Even I’ve been there, had a treasure chest and been sick on the C2 on the way home. Frankie is so gross he makes my crotch itch just looking at him. That boy must be riddled with disease and what was his entrance about? I get it was supposed to be cool, but it just looked like one of those O2 ads from a while back. Then once on stage the talentless goon tried and failed to sing again. He really, really, doesn’t deserve to be on the show. His song fit the theme but he was just not very good. He has definitely started to believe his own hype and needs to back off. Continue reading
(Week 2) Its official: this is the worst X Factor year ever. What? It’s not official? Well, it ought to be. This year’s crop of wannabes needs to up their game if they hope to hold our attention till Christmas. I think the problem is that it feels like we haven’t had a chance to emotionally invest in the acts. So many of the faces at judges’ houses were new to me that I didn’t give a toss if they got to the lives or not, and then there’s the bands that have been stitched together like some sort of five headed Frankenstein’s monster. They barely know or care about each other, so why should we care about them?
Usually at this stage in the game I’m indifferent about most of the contestants and love one or two. This year I hate some of them, feel sorry for the others and only like two.
Wowzers, I wasn’t expecting Rhythmix to rock out the bashment/Notting Hill Carnival version of I’m Like A Bird. As an ethnic, usually I only get to hear these versions in black hairdressers or takeaways. The girls did it justice and managed to sing well enough to distract us from their hideous styling. It was like a graffiti fight had taken place in H&M and the girls had to wear the outcome. I still don’t know any of their names but I think they’ll do well this year, as the other groups feel a bit dated. Their vocals aren’t even that strong but as they seem like nice girls, I hope they survive for a while.
NuVibe. Poor babies. They sang as if they knew they didn’t deserve to be there. Their version of With Or Without You was kinda off. I think there were about four notes that didn’t sound horrendous. The boys should have known they were on borrowed time as they had the death spot and even Louis didn’t like them.
The Risk had moments where they sounded half decent and then others where they really didn’t. Luckily for them there’s no value in Syco splitting the boy band vote AND NuVibe were rubbish, so The Risk lived to sing another day. Regardless of their voices, their performance upset me for two reasons. One: they sang Bruno Mars and I feel like that man is plaguing my life. He is everywhere. Two: They were perched on chairs and didn’t do the stand up at the key change thing we’ve all come to expect. Proper shoddy work. Continue reading
We did it. We puffed and panted our way through the auditions, boot camp and judges’ houses. Now it’s time for us to all to face the music. It’s the lives!!
Now we’ve got the lives, I’m not sure it was worth all the effort. The song choices were lazy and the whole show was a bit boring. It was one of the worst opening live shows I can remember. Apart from Misha B, it was like being force-fed a vat of tepid skimmed milk. Bland.
This is always a hard category to stand out in. It’s either full of cocksure wannabes or pallid bores designed to tug at the nation’s heartstrings.
In the former category we have Frankie C. Jesus H Christ, someone get that boy a jug of Bromide. The whole way through the competition his arrogant, arse bearing, too much swagger for his age shtick has got on my last nerve. Then, in an attempt to “humanise” the little brat, we had to sit through him going all emotional and ruining an Ed Sheeran song. Seriously bruv, the young girls may like you but your vocal is wack. That breathy Pete Doherty shit will only take you so far. (Yes, I am aware that combined heat generated from the loins of the tweenagers he excites may well propel him to the final. Sad times).
James was definitely in the pallid bores category. When he rocked up for his week in the sun at judges’ houses I had no idea who he was. I thought he was just wearing a hat to avoid springing for the litres of conditioner it would take to keep his curly mane manageable in the heat. I didn’t even realise that was his “thing.” He’s this year’s Twat in a Hat, if you will. What can I say about his singing? Hmm, the song they gave him was so wrong. In the first week we need a performance that drags us in and makes us pay attention, or a faultless vocal. His warbling while clutching on to a guitar simply wasn’t good enough. He deserved to be dispatched this week.
Craig and Marcus both did well. Marcus was flanked by female dancers and did look a bit awkward but there were moments where his vocal was pretty good. There were also moments when he sounded less than ideal but I think he just about pulled it off. Poor Craig, I’m amazed he even made it onto the stage after a week that looked like hell for the poor boy. I have no idea why we had to see him being starved and run ragged in his opening VT. Oh, yeah, it’s to give him stamina, or help with the high notes or something. If I remember rightly, they tried the same thing on Paige last year. I can’t believe the X Factor producers don’t see how damaging it is to show a boy being forced to exercise in order to win a talent contest. Don’t even get me started on Louis and his “it’s nice to see you taking it seriously by losing weight” comment. Bastard. Anyways, aside from all of this Craig took to the stage and sang his little heart out. Continue reading