It’s been a massive year in Emmerdale with errant lumps of Jimmy sperm leading to surprise births, have a go heroes drowning after being blasted with flare guns and Kerry having a shot at being a novelist and we have gasped, laughed and watched in awe all along the way.
But, as well as being entertained, it’s important that we learn lessons too. So what can we take from Emmerdale’s wacky 2014 that will help us survive life in 2015? 20 lessons I have learned that will change all our lives for ever; here they are:
1) If you are going to donate sperm next year at any point (it’s certainly on my to do list) try and remember that you have done it and ensure that you inform your better half. These things have a habit of coming back and biting you on the ankles.
2) Never hire Kerry as a ghost writer. If Zoella had done this, her debut novel wouldn’t have just beaten 50 Shades of Grey, it would have emulated it too. Look no further than the adventures of Kitty and Randy for proof.
MORE: Exclusive extracts from Kerry’s novel about Kitty and Randy
3) Cougars will always turn psychotic and dress up in your next bride’s wedding dress. Bear this in mind when you’re taking lessons from the older woman next door, particularly if she owns a beauty salon and likes a swig of whisky.
4) Trying to steal pigs is a bad idea. The likelihood of you bringing home the bacon successfully is low.
5) If your husband’s infant daughter is grieving over the death of her mother, the best approach probably isn’t to throw selfish strops and get drunk on wine behind the wheel. This makes you seem a bit like a…well, a complete bitch actually.
When I said last time that I would round up my feelings on various soap matters every so often, I bet you thought I didn’t have the stamina to see it through. Shows how wrong you are, doesn’t it? So what’s happened since I last took a step back and had an overall look over soapland? Peter and Rob are both gone from Corrie, Shirley has reappeared in EastEnders and Jimmy King has had the snip reversed in Emmerdale. What hasn’t happened? Alfie Moon hasn’t become likeable yet and no one has burned down that blasted Weatherfield Community Centre. Still, Corrie have announced an exciting live episode for next September, so there’s an idea on what they can do for that.
Here we are then, a handful of things off the top of my chaotic head that I’ve adored and despised in equal measure. Of course, I’m only right 95% of the time, so I’d love to hear your views on what’s nailed it and what’s missed the spot. We have a gorgeous comments box which is just aching for your opinions and you can also chat to me on Twitter HERE: https://twitter.com/Our_manPLA
What I’ve LOVED
Emmerdale: The White Clan
Home Farm needs a family with a bit of dosh, a bit of class and a whole lot of bitchiness about the place and all of the Whites, except perhaps the dog (so far) tick every one of those boxes. Lawrence, despite spending much of his time trying to get rid of his son in law and faking heart attacks, is a thoroughly likeable character, while caramel voiced Chrissie is the much needed bit of posh that Emmerdale has been lacking since the Lady Tara Oakwell days. She is fiesty, knows her own mind and wickedly sharp but also has a vulnerability to her given that she has fallen hook, line and sinker for the odious Robert. Speaking of whom, he has come come back with a new face and his wickedness cranked up by several hundred degrees and he is such a brilliantly camp villain that I love him already. His smarmy smirk, his little schemes, his manipulation of all of those around him; he has livened Emmerdale and the Sugden clan up no end. A character we will love to hate, I can’t wait to see what he gets up to next and, when Chrissy discovers his true colours, her reaction will be top claaarrrssss darling while Lawrence will have an incredibly well deserved ‘I told you so’ smile. Beautiful!
For weeks now there has been a giant, gaping, Pollard-shaped chasm in Emmerdale. Everything else, from gripping lakeside dramas, to called off weddings to kidnap and the glorious hilarity of Jimmy and Kerry has been spot on the mark and Emmerdale continues to be the top soap by a long shot. But, in the same way that wiping out the Dingles would be catastrophic, it isn’t the same without Eric and Val, two of my favourite Dales characters of all time.
I remember Eric Pollard as a ruthless crook turned bumbling villain and I enjoyed all of his phases. Once more, the versatile Chris Chittell has given the multi layered character a brand new lease of life as Eric has been softened via a transformation that was not unlike that of the late, great Alan Turner. He maintains an edge (it wasn’t long ago that he was a bit mean with Edna’s medals let’s not forget) but overall he is pretty loveable and charming these days and, most importantly, the zing to Val’s zang.
Speaking of whom, I have missed the dulcet and often wildly inappropriate Geordie tones of Charlie Hardwick, who plays Val and it was great to see her back doing what she does best; being outrageous and hilarious during dramatic situations.