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Twenty lessons we have learned from Emmerdale in 2014

soaps-emmerdale-6924-2It’s been a massive year in Emmerdale with errant lumps of Jimmy sperm leading to surprise births, have a go heroes drowning after being blasted with flare guns and Kerry having a shot at being a novelist and we have gasped, laughed and watched in awe all along the way.

But, as well as being entertained, it’s important that we learn lessons too. So what can we take from Emmerdale’s wacky 2014 that will help us survive life in 2015? 20 lessons I have learned that will change all our lives for ever; here they are:

1) If you are going to donate sperm next year at any point (it’s certainly on my to do list) try and remember that you have done it and ensure that you inform your better half. These things have a habit of coming back and biting you on the ankles.

2) Never hire Kerry as a ghost writer. If Zoella had done this, her debut novel wouldn’t have just beaten 50 Shades of Grey, it would have emulated it too. Look no further than the adventures of Kitty and Randy for proof.

MORE: Exclusive extracts from Kerry’s novel about Kitty and Randy

3) Cougars will always turn psychotic and dress up in your next bride’s wedding dress. Bear this in mind when you’re taking lessons from the older woman next door, particularly if she owns a beauty salon and likes a swig of whisky.

4) Trying to steal pigs is a bad idea. The likelihood of you bringing home the bacon successfully is low.

5) If your husband’s infant daughter is grieving over the death of her mother, the best approach probably isn’t to throw selfish strops and get drunk on wine behind the wheel. This makes you seem a bit like a…well, a complete bitch actually.

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Gastric bands, Macey Madness and Big Jim McDonald: Our Man In The North’s soap review of the 2014

1395713524_Les-Dennis-on-Coronation-Well what a soap year 2014 has been. EastEnders pushed its brand new Carter clan to the forefront of every storyline imaginable, culminating in a cracking Christmas crescendo while Emmerdale was at its whacky best with lakeside showdowns, suicidal cops and storage container kidnappings aplenty. Meanwhile, Corrie welcomed Ken Barlow and Kevin Webster back to the fold and triumphed with the storyline of Steve’s depression; but has been depressingly lacklustre elsewhere.
In a year where we’ve had explosions, suicides, donated sperm, secret children, identity theft, chaotic weddings, ill advised smooches, murderous looking sheep, irate Irish prisoners, devastating scars that look more like papercuts, long running (and I mean VERY long running) murder mysteries, face swapping returnees, pig thefts, schizophrenia, farming mishaps, horrific rapes, drug dramas and Norris learning to use a tablet, it is difficult to compile a list of highlights.
Nothing stops me, however, so here we go: a month by month reminder of the good, the bad and sheer nutty of 12 months in Walford, Weatherfield and the Dales. Enjoy and here’s to the next twelve months. Click below to get reading!

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Emmerdale: That’s Charity for you…

soaps-emmerdale-6997-11Another week, another thump on the head for Charity, the schemer with a noggin so resilient it can only be empty. Emmerdale celebrates it’s birthday week in it’s traditional way; by putting a central character in mortal peril.

To get you up to speed, everyone is shocked because Charity, a renowned liar, cheater and money grabber, has been lying, cheating and grabbing money. Declan has chosen to reveal these misdeeds in two very unique ways; firstly by holding a gun to his sister and declaring the truth to the entire clan of tricked Dingles and secondly by releasing his first of what I hope will be many DVDs. It was a gripping watch, and Declan had ordered several copies, which Amazon delivered to Charity’s family, friends, foes, solicitor and the police.

It’s needless to say she was now in hot water and needed to take a break from the village which hates her (more than before I mean.) Before she could get very far, however, she had been intercepted on a country road and walloped to the ground by a baseball bat wielding hoodie which no doubt conceals someone we know very well.

But just who has added a bump to Charity’s increasingly lumpy head? I line up the potential suspects below…

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Emmerdale: Hatch, match and dispatch

58593It was just another standard day in Emmerdale village yesterday. We had the breakdown of a wedding before the bride and groom commenced a secret affair, we had a hapless Jimmy playing the world’s worst midwife as the mother of one of his many babies went into labour in his front room, we had a crazed Charity sprinting around in the woods yelling for Declan to come and kill her, we had Megan reaching the depths of despair as a grave was dug for her son shot by a flare gun, we had self appointed health guru Kerry launching her own exercise regime which consisted of eating biscuits and, perhaps most thrillingly of all, we were treated to a scene of the Dingles dining on plates of leaves.

The main focus on the day was the long awaited wedding of Priya and Rakesh. Previously, Rakesh had confided in his wife to be that he loved her, which is always a helpful sensation when engaging in matrimony. The problem was that Priya was less convinced than ever that she would be able to return this gesture and, after skipping breakfast, she spent her wedding morning locked in the bathroom. As Leyla panicked, Georgia hit the roof, Jai continued to sulk and the legend that is Rishi threw his fists around in fury, the one person who sat and listened to Priya was Rakesh himself.   Continue reading

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UK Soaps: A year where being a beautiful young woman meant death

EmmerdaleAnyone who is anyone in the UK British soap magazine world knows that today, the results of the Inside Soap Awards 2014 are revealed, about half a year since they were launched. I call them the Inside Soap Awards 2014, but I prefer to know them as ‘The ‘Which Soap has the most dedicated multi-voting fans awards 2014.’

Either way, it’s got me thinking (dangerous stuff, I know) about the last year in the world of soap. Here, I reflect on a year of underwater escapades, murders of beautiful young women, collapsing attic floors, rooftop death dramas, dramatic house fires and Steve McDonald.

I know, given the fact that I write here about all soaps, that I should display some degree of impartiality, but I’ll openly declare that I have mostly voted Emmerdale this year. So, that’s as good a place to start as any. It’s been a blockbuster year in Britain’s most eventful village and not a leek show in sight. Instead of village fetes and sheep shearing, we’ve seen armed sieges, rooftop plunges and Charity Macey getting slapped about the chops with her husband’s meat tenderiser.   Continue reading

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Emmerdale: Water way to go!

This article contains SPOILERS for those who have not yet seen Thursday 25th September’s episodes

Well, it was all flaring up in Emmerdale tonight wasn’t it? Declan was really digging a hole for himself and some could even soaps-emmerdale-charity-declan-macey-boot-2say he was in too deep. Enough puns? So what is the latest in Emmerdale’s big week, scheduled cunningly in the final days of voting for the Inside Soap Award for Best Soap?

Declan had just given Charity a face full of his meat tenderiser and now had what he thought was a dead body on his hands. Meanwhile, wrongly accused Megan and the eternally hapless but endearing Robbie were slowly (and I mean very slowly; he was able to dig an entire grave in the time it took them to arrive) on Declan’s trail.

This was Emmerdale’s gripping take on Cape Fear as Declan went from short tempered businessman to full blown psycho. Bundling Charity into a car boot in what must rank as one of her most uncomfortable car journeys of all time (except perhaps the ones she might have experienced in her prostitute days), he sped off into the woods to bury his deceitful wife. However, Charity, as always, had the knack of putting her Size 9s right in it; this time the ‘it’ was Declan’s face as he opened the boot.   Continue reading

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Emmerdale: Interviews with Jane Cox (Lisa) and Nicola Wheeler (Nicola)

WARNING: This article contains SPOILERS which some readers may wish to avoid

lisa_dingleRemember the days when Emmerdale used to be about sheep, bails of hay and the occasional lesbian vet? No, me neither. It’s never quiet in the village and the next two weeks are going to hit that home in a big way.

I’m personally just recovering from Donna breaking the fragile heart of Ryan before leaping to her death and I really cannot take much more excitement. But Declan Macey has other ideas; he is intent on offing his wife Charity as he takes her to a derelict countryside cottage and, mark my words, this explosive week in the Dales will end in a shocking way.

But, past the splashes of drama that Macey Madness will bring this week, there are more shocks to come in the village and Jane Cox, who plays the long suffering Lisa Dingle and Nicola Wheeler who plays the high maintenance blonde bombshell Nicola King, discuss the big plots on the way for their alter egos, in a double interview…

It’s not been an easy few years for the Dingles. Bereavements, rape, serial killers, floods, hostage dramas, debt, breakdowns, teenage murders, prison and Sam have just been a few of their pains in their unwashed necks and it’s a wonder that the glue of the family, matriarch Lisa, manages to hold it all together. However, as the true extent of Sam’s debts become known in coming weeks and with the ongoing trauma of daughter Belle’s incarceration, it is all about to get too much…   Continue reading

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