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Coronation Street: A Christmas ditty

 

Coronation-Street-WK51On the cobbles of Corrie, there’s heartbreak afoot,
Lovelorn Gary has gotten the boot,
Alya’s family don’t think he’s a suit,
But when the Nazirs come on, I like to hit mute.

63641On the cobbles of Corrie, Nick Tilsley’s found hope,
Erica’s arrived to help him to cope,
She’s a bit of a flirt, she would shock the Pope,
As she eyes up her man and moves in for a grope.

soaps-corrie-8539-9On the cobbles of Corrie, Tracy’s stuck in a hole,
And sleazy Tony has his eyes on the goal,
She may be nasty and bereft of a soul,
But if only someone else had offered to console.

david-callum-kylie-coronation-street-4-460x297On the cobbles of Corrie, Kylie keeps hitting the speed,
Even though she has two children to feed,
Callum’s on the scene to exploit her greed,
But angry David will soon make him bleed.

Coronation_Street_spoilers__Michael_Rodwell_s_son_Gavin_revealed_to_be_an_impostorOn the cobbles of Corrie Michael thinks he’s found his son,
But little does he know that this ‘Gavin’s’ not the one,
He’s invited him for Christmas, oh won’t this be fun,
If Michael finds out, his dodgy ticker could be done.

mmmOn the cobbles of Corrie, Kirk and Beth’s big day draws near,
And the thought of their outfits brings nought but fear,
Still, they love each other, it’s a romance we hold dear,
Let’s hope there’s a Corrie wedding that won’t end in tears.

Coronation_Street_spoilers__brand_new_Christmas_2014_trailer_releasedOn the cobbles of Corrie it’s been a tough time of late,
So now is the time for the Street to celebrate,
There’s been some sad times, and cruel twists of fate,
Let’s hope they can start 2015 on a new slate.

Happy Christmas Corrie! Although, not TOO happy please…

Written By Our Man In The North

 

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Coronation Street: Overstepping the mark (and the balcony)

It’s been a distressing few weeks on Coronation Street lately. Between the hypocrite harlot that is Katy condemning Anna for a night  of infidelity (yes, REALLY)  the horror of whatever has happened to poor Gail’s hair recently (if only there were some hairdressers in the family), and Antony Cotton being handed a new contract (I kid, I kid…) there hasn’t been a lot to smile about recently. Tina

Of course we have the equally traumatic events of Tina falling from a high balcony, grazing her knee and then further antagonising the man that caused her to fall. The result? Let’s just say that Rob’s temper combined with a metal bar led to blood and fake tan stains all over the cobbles.

Peter has hit the bottle again and is generally just going around being a nuisance, stressing Carla to the point of her collapsing in agony and tragically losing her baby. Being a prime suspect for Tina’s murder hasn’t helped lift her spirits much either, and spending a lot of time with mardy Michelle only exacerbates the gloom. Still, protective brother Rob is on hand to stand by her and he will do anything, ANYTHING, to help. Well, except for coming forward and admitting that he killed Tina, of course.   Continue reading

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Coronation Street: The old home town looks the same. Apart from…

Liz McDonald has been away in Spain for ages. Since well before Christmas. She arrived back in the Street this week with a particularly unpleasant hairdo, but otherwise looking all perky and refreshed, and looking forward to catching up with all her friends and relatives, as you do.

Rather than the happy homecoming she expected, it’s been more like stumbling into The Stepford Wives or Invasion of the Bodysnatchers. Things in Weatherfield are most definitely not how they used to be.

The most obvious thing to most people would be that a tram has crashed into the street, necessitating a total rebuild of those Weatherfield institutions, The Corner Shop and The Kabin. Liz, however, is a family woman first and foremost, and is most keen to see her granddaughter, Our Amy, and ply her with straw donkeys and inflammable Spanish leisurewear. Shock number one: Our Amy has moved! Not very far, mind. She’s only the other side of the wall at the Barlows, with (shock number two!) her mum, Tracy. That’s Tracy Barlow, convicted murderer but released on a technicality (the technicality being that Weatherfield was short of a villain, with Tony Gordon gone. There’s only so much evil that Owen the Builder can manage in a half-hour episode).

Shock number three is that Tracy is working behind the bar at the Rovers. “My two favourite women behind the same bar!” beamed Deirdre, oblivious to the fact that Liz hates Tracy and the feeling is bound to be mutual because Tracy hates almost everybody.

The fourth shock is that Steve and Becky seem quite relaxed about this state of affairs. This is because of something which Liz doesn’t know yet, which will come as the biggest shock of all – Steve and Becky can’t defy Tracy, because if they do, Tracy will tell the authorities that Steve and Becky bought Becky’s nephew Our Little Maxie from Becky’s sister with cold, hard cash. Frankly this was a complete waste of money anyway because they hardly ever see him, what with him being stored in some secret annexe of the Rovers for most of the time.

Another thing Liz doesn’t know is about Becky looting the cash to pay for Our Little Maxie from Dev and Sunita’s safe, while Sunita lay wounded in the rubble of the shop following the tram crash (it doesn’t sound very good when you put it like that, does it?). Liz almost found out about this when she experienced shock number five: the previously sunny Sunita was definitely a bit frosty to Liz when she went to buy Jammy Dodgers. It’s not because Sunita disapproves of the jam-filled treats, it’s because she disapproves of the entire McDonald family these days.

Shock number six is that Becky’s sister, Kylie, is now engaged to David Platt. Liz is right to be totally outraged by this one – it is truly one of the most implausible and contrived storylines ever to besmirch the cobbles of Coronation Street.

Poor Liz. No wonder it’s all got her reaching for the Silk Cut. She’s going to need a holiday after all this lot.

Posted by PLA           (more Corrie posts here)

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Coronation Street: Rosie relives her Goth youth

rosie-coronation-streetYesterday’s Corrie episode started where the previous one had left off – Gail was still sitting on a wall, Tony and Carla were still prowling round the graveyard, and Rosie was barricaded in the factory office with mascara all over her face. It took me back to the glory days when Rosie and Craig Harris were Goths and used to spend long, fun-filled days scowling at the world and talking about death and painting their fingernails. Happy times.

Kevin attempted to console his eldest by telling her that it was perhaps a blessing that all her money had gone, because “it brought nowt but trouble.” And an adorable little car, several handbags and all those lovely shoes, Kevin, you heartless mechanic. Sophie proffered psychobabble and sweet tea, which Rosie rejected on the grounds that it would ruin her figure. When Rosie says stuff like that, you know she’s going to be ok – and her mascara had been reinstated by then as well.

If only a dab of makeup would sort out Tony Gordon’s problem, which is how to handle vengeful ex-wife and Queen of the Night Carla. But when people are in extremis they reach for their tried-and-trusted fixes. For Rosie this is makeup. For Tony, it’s Jimmy Dockerson. Remember Jimmy Dockerson? The one who actually ran Liam over; the one who put the frighteners on lovely old Jed Stone? He’s being enlisted to deal with The Carla Situation.

Meanwhile, Gail is coming round to the idea of having a boat parked in her front garden. She perked up around the time Joe told her he reckoned he could get £7,000 for it once he’s done it up, which would only cost a few hundred. David has started reminiscing about all the happy times the Platt family spent fishing in his youth. I’ve been watching Corrie since I was in nappies and I don’t remember them ever going fishing or mentioning it, but hey-ho, whatever keeps David happy is fine by me.

And Tyrone gave Molly a home gym for her birthday, so she doesn’t have to go out to the gym on cold, dark nights. Kevin and the Mollster are going to have to think up another excuse for their little trysts now.

Posted by PLA

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