I’m a Celebrity: Kian of the jungle

I’m not surprised that Kian Egan won I’m A Celebrity. At the beginning of the show’s run, I’d have happily put money on Joey Essex winning. In fact, I can remember saying to PLA Jr that “there’s no way Joey isn’t going to win this.” She agreed, being a TOWIE and Joey fan. I’d never seen him before he went into the jungle, but I liked his open, child-like approach to everything. He wasn’t a soaring intellectual giant, but he knew he wasn’t and he was always ready to learn something new and accept advice. He’s very funny and he seems to have the sweetest nature.

About the time that everybody was agreeing that there was no way Joey wouldn’t win , he seemed to get less prominent in the highlights shows. Whether that was a deliberate decision by the producers I don’t know, but other characters came more to the fore and Joey came fourth.

In the end, the final three were the right ones, I think. Lucy Pargeter was a bit of a cow at times, but I felt like I could relate to her – I’d have been stroppy too under those circumstances. David Emanuel is just a gorgeous man – I could listen to his lilting, soothing voice all day. He mucked in, worked hard and supported anyone who was upset.

And then Kian. If you were writing a romantic novel and you wanted a hero, you could do worse than Kian. Rock-solid dependable, apparently fearless, kind, protective and strong. And he can cook, he can sing, he speaks with a beautiful Irish accent and he loves his wife. He’s adorable – and he even looked sweet with a crown of leaves on his head.

I’m A Celebrity: Then there were three

Justin Ryan has narrowly missed being crowned king/queen of the jungle, and has made the journey across the ravine and back into the arms of Colin. He’s lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of self-awareness, and probably cried more than anyone in I’m A Celeb ever.

So now there are three people currently pootling round their jungle camp, packing up their belongings, shaking cockroaches out of their sleeping bag for the last time, fondly reminiscing about experiences shared, challenges overcome, anuses eaten.

The person I’d like to see win is chef Gino D’Acampo. He didn’t impress at the beginning, with his squealy-girly fear of spiders on day one and his embargo on female farting, but I’ve been warming to him more and more. He’s very, very funny, obviously loves cooking for people and has done so creatively and uncomplainingly throughout, and has supported everyone else with his good humour and energy. He’s also very tactile and huggy, making him a lovely bloke to have around if you’re feeling a bit down or homesick. He’s comfortable in his own skin, doesn’t mind being emotionally vulnerable, and he looks bloody good in a wetsuit. Oh, alright, I’ll admit it – I’m practically in love with the bloke. Mrs D’Acampo is a lucky woman, even though she has to go outside to burp. I could live with that.

Kim Woodburn is a big woman with a big heart. I’ve enjoyed her outrageous flirting (loved it yesterday when she paused on her way to bed to give Gino permission to visit her caravan. What will George say?), the eye-rolling, the talking to her underwear. Her partnership with George Hamilton was hilarious. She’s a bit prone to sulking, though – usually over food – and can be a bit of a diva. Not necessarily a bad thing, but Kim has shown a nastier side on a couple of occasions when she just laid into somebody for no good reason.

The last one of the trio is Jimmy White. I’m not really sure why Jimmy White is still there. He’s a nice enough person, but what is it about him that’s making people pick up the phone to vote for him? For most of the time he’s been the quiet bloke at the back, not saying much, not doing a lot. If it had been a vote to evict each time, being nice-but-dull would be enough to see you through, but as it’s been a vote to save – why are people saving Jimmy? It must be because people are relating to his Joe Ordinary persona. There’s nothing remotely showbizzy or flash about Jimmy, he’s just like one of us. I won’t be at all surprised if he’s the last one standing tonight, as the ordinary nice guy (Phil Tufnell, Joe Swash, Tony Blackburn) often wins I’m a Celebrity, but I’d love it to be Gino.

I’m A Celebrity: Happy campers

Has there ever been a more harmonious group around the I’m A Celebrity campfire? This year’s celebrities are all so sweet and caring, the very idea of voting one of them out seems heartlessly cruel.

I blame Colin and Justin. I was expecting to see the kind of squabbles we always saw on their home makeover shows, where a difference of opinion over wallpaper could send Justin into a total queeny strop. It hasn’t happened.The two of them are absolute beacons of love and mutual support. Colin’s early exit from the jungle has only served to strengthen their legend. Colin swigs champagne and fondly reminisces to Ant and Dec about Justin, his “rock.” Justin cries and misses the man who always fixes anything that’s wrong in his life. The camp-mates all promise to look after Justin in Colin’s absence, and rally round him as if he’d been bereaved.

Everyone has started showing their softer side. Even Joe in the bushtucker trial was being quite sweet, popping a cocktail umbrella behind his ear and trying to keep Kim’s spirits up. If he had to drink liquidised crocodile penis every day, he says, he could get used to it. “I’d hang meself,” avows Kim.

Back at the campfire, talk turns to where all the celebrities will be in five years time. They’re only minor celebrities (apart from George), so they’re not planning wild adventures followed by long stints in rehab. All their hopes are to do with family. George says he was largely absent while his older child (now in his 30s) was growing up, so he wants to be there for his ten year old. Stuart says he wants to be married and have children (are Sabrina’s eyes sparkling a little more than usual at this point? Possibly, but it’s hard to tell with Sabrina as she sparkles constantly anyway), and would love to have a relationship as strong as Colin and Justin’s.

Justin says he and Colin would love to have children, and this leads Gino to say that he and his wife and sons are very happy, but they are trying to adopt a little girl. He says it hasn’t been easy, “but she’s out there somewhere,” he says. “All we have to do is bring her home.” This makes Justin cry.

Group hug.

I’m A Celebrity: A terrifying new beast in the jungle

Camilla has left the jungle (“Out of her dancing shoes, she cannot survive,” as Inkface said yesterday). Her replacement presumably will be less likely to go all fainty and cry about having to eat crocodile feet, as he is former boxer and human brick shithouse Joe Bugner. Handily, Joe lives in Australia, so was on the spot when he received the call to start stitching his name to the back of his vest.

Unfortunately he seems to have spent his time in Australia learning the names and killing methods of every venomous and/or aggressive animal in the country, and he wasted no time in listing them all to the horrified campers. “This is not Beverly Hills,” he warned them (though I imagine at least George has already spotted that difference). Lucy, who had just got to grips with sleeping while cockroaches are falling on your head, wasn’t best pleased to hear about the many and varied ways of dying the jungle has to offer – and I couldn’t help thinking that the Australian Tourist Board won’t be offering Joe a job any time soon.

Meanwhile – Team Andre, would you please give Katie Price a rest from these bushtucker trials? Watching her with her head covered in slime and mealworms, contemplating a jacuzzi with baby crocodiles and a refreshing insect milkshake, I couldn’t help thinking she’s suffered enough for now.  Particularly as she’s also suffered the wrath of Kim Woodburn, who called her out on her stated desire to come to the jungle to “escape the paparazzi.” “Don’t give me that, dear,” Kim told her. “You love it! It’s what you live for.”

Actually, on second thoughts, Kim’s right. La Price knew exactly what she was signing up for. Bring on the kangaroo testicles…

I’m A Celebrity: I fart in your general direction

There are some right wimps in the jungle this year. Yes, Gino D’Acampo, I’m talking about you. First we learned that Gino is scared of spiders and is a bit of a wuss generally. Last night we discovered that his view of women is somewhat Ruskin-esque: he shudders at the very thought of a woman burping or farting. On the two occasions that Mrs D’Acampo has burped in his presence, he hasn’t spoken to her for 24 hours. Ant and Dec speculated that Mrs D must be at home now relishing the opportunity to fart like a trooper in the comfort of her own home.  It’s going to be a shock for Gino, sharing a dunny with six women living on a bean-rich diet. Presumably Mrs D doesn’t do stinky poos either.

It’s a woman’s world in the jungle camp so far. Apart from Colin and Justin, the men have receded into the background, apparently in complete thrall to the sheer volume of mammaries on display. Colin explained that gay men are completely obsessed by boobs, and his partner Justin did seem to find the subject of Katie Price’s enhancements fascinating, but in quite a scientific way. What size were they? How much did they weigh individually? Were they hard or squishy? Justin wanted detail.

Meanwhile, it seems that Team Andre have Katie’s voting number on speed-dial, because she’s pencilled in for her second bushtucker trial later today. You had to feel for the poor woman yesterday, stuck underground in a deep, dark tunnel full of cockroaches, toads and rushing water.  She was absolutely terrified, shaking and hyperventilating when they took the lid off (ok, the tunnel wasn’t as deep as it looked) to pull her out. Let’s just hope that, in her terror, she remembered that she’s a lady first and foremost, and didn’t let out a little gas. Gino would never forgive her.

Related post: Why we love I’m A Celebrity

I’m a Celebrity: Marigolds and orange tans in the jungle

Of all the reality tv shows in all the world, I do so love I’m a Celebrity…

And this year looks set to be a cracker. And that’s before Ms Price has entered the fray, reportedly up for trouble, but she wasn’t like that last time she was on it, so I suspect it may be all hype.

 Glorious Liverpudlian half of the How Clean Is Your House? team Kim Woodburn is every bit as flirty feisty and fabulous as you might have hoped, and on what other show would you get her and George Hamilton snuggling down to go to sleep in a wee caravan in the jungle? They are very cute together so far these two.

Despite the fact that he didn’t have the strength to get a sufficient spark from a bit of flint to light the campfire after two hours of trying, George flirted gamely with Sam Fox when he first met her. I’m guessing he doesn’t realise he’s kind of the wrong sex. I’m not entirely sure he’s left the 1970s behind.

Sam and TV chef Gino D’Campo were sent off from the yacht to swim to a desert island and had to undergo the first bushtucker challenge. And very well they did too, getting 9 out of 11 possible stars for beds and food for camp. Sam was totally kick-ass, Gino self-confessedly the bigger wimp of the two. And the fool revealed how much he hates spiders. Which means he’ll get them thrown at him at every opportunity. Do these people never watch the show? I’d pretend to be terrified of crisps or something. Well, you never know.

They’ve all settled down rather well. I’m glad they haven’t been put in two camps this year. I like to see good teamwork. The fall-outs and fireworks will come soon enough. I wonder how Sam and Jordan will rub along…

Posted by Inkface

10 reasons why we can’t wait for I’m A Celebrity

(1) Watching celebrities eating kangaroo testicles never gets old. It’s the bit where they are chewing really hard on some gristle and something clearly ‘pops’ in their mouth that’s particularly entertaining.

(2) We want to see how long Colin and Justin, who can’t discuss the colour of a kitchen door without one of them flouncing off in a huff, can go without flouncing off in a huff when they’re undernourished and overtired. And where will they find to go?

(3) Ant and Dec, and their obvious enjoyment of the fact that they get to stay in a nice hotel and eat nice meals and maybe have a swim in the pool and a little haircut and a read of the papers while the celebrities get… hammocks.

(5) To see Kim Woodburn not wearing heels, and washing up without marabou-trimmed Marigolds (actually, I’m hoping she’ll bring enough for everyone).

(6) To see if George Hamilton’s tan actually fades during his stay in the jungle. It can’t be real, surely?

(7) Waiting for the transition from mwah-mwah lovie behaviour on arrival into Lord of the Flies savagery when hunger bites.

(8) And also on the Lord of the Flies tack – watching as the pecking order gets established pretty darn quick. Who will be emptying the dunny this year?

(9) Waiting to spot the lazy sod/diva who stays in their hammock all day moaning, clearly used to being waited on, who becomes loathed by everyone.

(10) Finally, there is always one person the public decides to hate and put up for trials over and over. Who might it be this year…?

(posted by PLA and Inkface)