Well, here we are again, time to cast a beady eye over the lathered remains of the most recent goings on. Out of the debris of crashed minibuses, Ronnie Mitchell’s coma and numerous attempts at coital endeavours from Jimmy and Nicola in Emmerdale, I’ve passed my judgements. Being that my opinions count for everything, here is the official (not really) lowdown of what’s set soapland on fire and what’s left it in the January cold…
What I’ve LOVED
We all love a good spoiler or two and I was sitting at a recent Coronation Street press event rubbing my hands together with glee as the episode previews rolled but as you watch the drama unfold live, you end up feeling pretty empty when everything that has been promised will happen comes to pass. On one hand, you’re pleased that the soap producers haven’t lied to you. That’s always nice. On the other, though, you’re hoping to be caught off guard with a curveball that you weren’t expecting. So thank heavens for recent Emmerdale (and to a large extent, EastEnders too) for throwing in viewer surprises into their episodes and keeping the buzz of live soap viewing alive. Rachel Breckle rocking up to the trial of Charity and getting her sent down was a stroke of genius, especially as Emma Atkins had gone to the effort of concealing her pregnancy so no one knew she’d be going on maternity leave. Now there’s dedication to the secret. Then came the revelation that baby Archie is in fact a fake (he would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those pesky Spencers) and Megan’s subsequent snatching of the fraud baby. Next week, the surprises keep coming in the form of an exploding caravan, a shock exit and some really delicious stuff that I’m sworn to secrecy over. Keep it up Emmerdale!
It’s been a massive year in Emmerdale with errant lumps of Jimmy sperm leading to surprise births, have a go heroes drowning after being blasted with flare guns and Kerry having a shot at being a novelist and we have gasped, laughed and watched in awe all along the way.
But, as well as being entertained, it’s important that we learn lessons too. So what can we take from Emmerdale’s wacky 2014 that will help us survive life in 2015? 20 lessons I have learned that will change all our lives for ever; here they are:
1) If you are going to donate sperm next year at any point (it’s certainly on my to do list) try and remember that you have done it and ensure that you inform your better half. These things have a habit of coming back and biting you on the ankles.
2) Never hire Kerry as a ghost writer. If Zoella had done this, her debut novel wouldn’t have just beaten 50 Shades of Grey, it would have emulated it too. Look no further than the adventures of Kitty and Randy for proof.
MORE: Exclusive extracts from Kerry’s novel about Kitty and Randy
3) Cougars will always turn psychotic and dress up in your next bride’s wedding dress. Bear this in mind when you’re taking lessons from the older woman next door, particularly if she owns a beauty salon and likes a swig of whisky.
4) Trying to steal pigs is a bad idea. The likelihood of you bringing home the bacon successfully is low.
5) If your husband’s infant daughter is grieving over the death of her mother, the best approach probably isn’t to throw selfish strops and get drunk on wine behind the wheel. This makes you seem a bit like a…well, a complete bitch actually.
Belle Dingle is back in the Dales fold and dayyyuuum, that girl’s got attitude. She has a good right to however; she’s just left imprisonment for the accidental killing of her best friend and is still haunted by the fateful day that a bit of a shove sent Gemma off this mortal coil. It isn’t helping, of course, that she feels everyone is gawping and talking about her; not least of all newcomer Lachlan, a worryingly irritating addition to the otherwise fantastic White family who took Belle on a hot chocolate date purely because he wanted to know what it was like to kill someone. Not the best chat up line to open with; I always find that the discussion of previous murders is a second date kind of thing, but that’s just me.
She went on to have a run in with the surly Gabby, who can do no wrong in Bernice’s eyes, but the wee bratette soon regretted getting on Bad Belle’s wrong side when she was warned that she could follow in Gemma’s clumsy footsteps and become the latest murdered schoolgirl of the Dales. Bernice was none too happy with this development and she wasted no time in confronting Lisa, who returned home to find the word MURDERER daubed across the Dingle walls. It was no Banksy, but it had the desired effect of unnerving everyone.
Well Jai Sharma is in a stickier situation than his toffee factory in a heatwave. Last seen taking a leap of faith down his staircase, Jai was brought out of his medically induced coma, on the advice of Dr Rishi last night and thrust straight into a whole lot of stressful matters that made his bumpy fall seem like a full body massage.
There was a queue of eager visitors waiting to see Jai as he came round last night but none of them had a bunch of grapes and a ‘Get Well Soon’ card. The visits went from the fussing and frustrating (Georgia) to the murderously threatening (Cain) to the just plain awkward (Megan). Continue reading
Another week, another thump on the head for Charity, the schemer with a noggin so resilient it can only be empty. Emmerdale celebrates it’s birthday week in it’s traditional way; by putting a central character in mortal peril.
To get you up to speed, everyone is shocked because Charity, a renowned liar, cheater and money grabber, has been lying, cheating and grabbing money. Declan has chosen to reveal these misdeeds in two very unique ways; firstly by holding a gun to his sister and declaring the truth to the entire clan of tricked Dingles and secondly by releasing his first of what I hope will be many DVDs. It was a gripping watch, and Declan had ordered several copies, which Amazon delivered to Charity’s family, friends, foes, solicitor and the police.
It’s needless to say she was now in hot water and needed to take a break from the village which hates her (more than before I mean.) Before she could get very far, however, she had been intercepted on a country road and walloped to the ground by a baseball bat wielding hoodie which no doubt conceals someone we know very well.
But just who has added a bump to Charity’s increasingly lumpy head? I line up the potential suspects below…
It was just another standard day in Emmerdale village yesterday. We had the breakdown of a wedding before the bride and groom commenced a secret affair, we had a hapless Jimmy playing the world’s worst midwife as the mother of one of his many babies went into labour in his front room, we had a crazed Charity sprinting around in the woods yelling for Declan to come and kill her, we had Megan reaching the depths of despair as a grave was dug for her son shot by a flare gun, we had self appointed health guru Kerry launching her own exercise regime which consisted of eating biscuits and, perhaps most thrillingly of all, we were treated to a scene of the Dingles dining on plates of leaves.
The main focus on the day was the long awaited wedding of Priya and Rakesh. Previously, Rakesh had confided in his wife to be that he loved her, which is always a helpful sensation when engaging in matrimony. The problem was that Priya was less convinced than ever that she would be able to return this gesture and, after skipping breakfast, she spent her wedding morning locked in the bathroom. As Leyla panicked, Georgia hit the roof, Jai continued to sulk and the legend that is Rishi threw his fists around in fury, the one person who sat and listened to Priya was Rakesh himself. Continue reading
Anyone who is anyone in the UK British soap magazine world knows that today, the results of the Inside Soap Awards 2014 are revealed, about half a year since they were launched. I call them the Inside Soap Awards 2014, but I prefer to know them as ‘The ‘Which Soap has the most dedicated multi-voting fans awards 2014.’
Either way, it’s got me thinking (dangerous stuff, I know) about the last year in the world of soap. Here, I reflect on a year of underwater escapades, murders of beautiful young women, collapsing attic floors, rooftop death dramas, dramatic house fires and Steve McDonald.
I know, given the fact that I write here about all soaps, that I should display some degree of impartiality, but I’ll openly declare that I have mostly voted Emmerdale this year. So, that’s as good a place to start as any. It’s been a blockbuster year in Britain’s most eventful village and not a leek show in sight. Instead of village fetes and sheep shearing, we’ve seen armed sieges, rooftop plunges and Charity Macey getting slapped about the chops with her husband’s meat tenderiser. Continue reading