Everything kicked off in this episode. The announcer warned cheerily that there would be strong language, strong violence and strong sexual scenes right from the start. Well damn tootin’. Straight away there was a completely starkers Sam, explaining to Sookie what we’ve all known for weeks: that he is a bit of a dog. Actually, I’d thought he was a werewolf, whereas he claims to be the much more house-trained shape-shifter. It was cool, the way he went up and down, from dog to man, just like in ‘Manimal’, except with better special effects. But Sookie wasn’t pleased, and suggested Sam ‘get the fuck out of here’. Her language sure has deteriorated since the early days of ‘good golly miss molly’.
We’d just got over that when Tara booked in for a little exorcism. To my horror, it seemed to work and Tara was – good gracious – smiling and trotting off to buy ice-creams with her mama. Well hie me to the vomitorium, cause a happy Tara ain’t worth a dime. But it was mercifully brief, for she quickly discovered that the voodoo woman of the bayou (demon removal a speciality), was in fact working in a pharmacy, wearing a bad wig and nylon pinnie. Tara’s demon came back quick as slug of snake oil, and weren’t we all grateful? She poured herself into a tarty red frock and poured into herself a good sixth of bourbon, and made as ungracious a pass as has ever been made at poor old Sam.
Arlene and Rene had their engagement party, at which Hoyt stood up to his mother for the first time ever, after a hilarious male-bonding scene with Jason and Rene. Hoyt is so sweet; I will be gutted with a capital G if he turns out to be the murderer. There was another cracking three-way sequence between Jason, Amy and Eddie, with Amy furious to discover that Jason had given Eddie Tru-Blood to help keep his strength up. She insisted, coldly, that she was morally superior, because she had a ‘miniscule carbon footprint’. I couldn’t help feeling, when she savagely killed Eddie with a stake, that there was a little more to being a good person than using eco light-bulbs, but I was so thunderstruck at the loss of Eddie, my favourite character, that I forgot to shout at the telly.
The murderer came after Sookie in the deserted bar, and we almost got to see him/her/it, but Sookie escaped into Sam’s arms. So he probably isn’t the murderer after all. Actually I never thought he was: you can’t be a shape-shifter and a murderer, it’s too complicated and what would you put on your passport?
Most strikingly, we saw Bill’s trial for the murder of Longshadow. There were a few contradictions at this kangaroo court. For a start, though the vampires kept going on about how fantastic they were, how superior to humans, the courtroom was a derelict parking lot. Surely they could have found a nice little room somewhere with comfy chairs? Then the chief guy, the ‘Magister’, claimed to have been involved in the Spanish Inquisition. So why did he have a sardonic New York accent, eh?
Then the defendant ahead of Bill was on his knees in chains, blood pouring from his wounds, and punished by having his fangs yanked out with pliers. All he’d done was feast on some other vampire’s human. So I expected Bill to be nailed to a cross at the very least. But no: he was unmarked and stood, proud and noble, not a restraint in sight. That sorts the leading men out from the extras, don’t it?
The usual sentence would be five years in a silver-lined coffin, eg quite bad, but the Magister decided instead to give Bill a fresh young virgin to ‘turn’. For Bill, this was clearly meant to be a far worse punishment, being as it tormented his conscience so, but from where I was sitting, it was obviously an infinitely more lenient option. Like the difference between the electric chair and an ASBO. After listening to the human sacrifice tell us what a good girl she was, a deep south Eliza Doolittle, the Magister declared himself bored. Fair enough: if he’s been around since 1478, it’s probably been a while since he saw something new. And so poor old Bill was forced to dig deep for his vampire instincts. With a blood-curdling howl, he bared his fangs and bit the irritating girl good and proper.
Posted by Qwerty