Gemma Collins spouts diarrhoea on a daily basis, although admittedly this is generally out of her mouth. Last night, the fluorescent yellow excrement (that’s me never eating custard again) was flowing heavily from both ends, as Gemma had a bit of a dicky tummy from all of the deep fried porridge she was having to endure. Always one to play things down, Gemma became convinced that she had malaria, of all things, and, despite walking around and having the energy to constantly complain and lift Craig Charles up with her feet, she insisted that she was suffering from the killer disease (which, by the way, isn’t carried by the mosquitoes in Australia)
When she wasn’t dying from Malaria or threatening to kill herself (yes, she did that again. Tasteful) she was complaining about how much she was suffering from starvation, which prompted the amiable Craig to gently point out that they were in a better position than many of the starving people in the world. This blew Gemma’s mind and she promised never to complain about being hungry again, although I can’t see that lasting. If she thinks the hunger is hard now, goodness only knows how she will feel after 2-3 weeks on congealed rice and bean mush.
I’m (kind of) a Celebrity is back- complete with creepy critters and huge challenges; and that’s just the celebs themselves. Ten million of us tuned in last night to see a group of people we’re sure we’ve seen somewhere before thrown together in an Australian torture camp. For most, it would be a horrendous dive in living conditions but for Gemma at least, it was a step up from Essex life.
The series began in the usual way; ten famous-ish faces from footballers to models to Red Dwarf pilots/cabbies to someone who once went out with that Playboy pervert; everyone had a legitimate claim to fame and spent the first five minutes talking to the screen from a comfortable cocktail providing hotel about how excited they were by the challenge that lay ahead. It is destined to be their last feelings of positivity for three weeks.
Michael Buerk, the amiable BBC news guy, was the first to arrive, followed closely by his intellectual match, Tinchy Stryder. After not quite mastering a ‘friends 4 lyf’ handshake, Michael and the Tinch got off to a heartwarming start; setting in place this year’s version of the Joe Swash and George Takei love-in. Michael is a likeable chap; himself pointing out the irony of a celebrity snob entering a celebrity reality show and, like any good journalist; he soon had former PlayGirls teaching him how to twerk.
Once the awkward ‘so erm, who are you?’ conversations were done with (‘Of COURSE I know what ‘Hello, Hello, is!’) it was time to get down to business. One set of celebrities were heading to jail (‘Not AGAIN!’ cried the legendary Craig Charles) while the other would be their rescue team.
Last night’s Corrie double had it all didn’t it? Ongoing feuds exploding across the Street, veiled threats of prison violence, dodgy ex husbands threatening suicide whilst preparing a reunion dinner, exhaust pipes being stuffed with fruit, dog-napping by a child assisted by lesbian teens, pill popping mothers lying to GPs and, of course Gerogia May Foote dressed to the nines in a lovely blue number for the standard Weatherfield Monday night out.
The main story of the night was Todd inserting his banana into an exhaust pipe (please, do grow up) in order to cause a distraction that would allow him to sneak into the garage and steal an apple. No, you haven’t wandered into an alternate dimension; this was genuinely the basis of the main storyline from last night’s Corrie. And still, it outrated every other TV show yesterday by over a million viewers.
Let’s delve a little deeper (into the storyline, forget Todd’s banana). Todd is feeling a little put out as he is taking the flack for something which is almost entirely his fault. Wanting to lash out at Tyrone and Foghorn Fiz, he decided to leave a chilling message by nabbing the remainder of Luke’s lunch from under their noses. Continue reading
Sometimes when a show goes off air it’s probably for the best. After Dave (the channel) brought back Red Dwarf with Back To Earth (which wasn’t dreadful, but wasn’t great either), I thought the show had reached the end of the line. I can’t tell you how pleased I am to be proved wrong! The Boys from the Dwarf are back and on top smegging form…
I’m told there are people who didn’t watch Red Dwarf first time around (and have contrived to miss the repeats on Dave) – if you need to know more than that this is a comedy about four dysfunctional people trapped in a room (albeit the room is deep space) then check out the BBC’s archived page for the show.
I don’t want to quote the jokes here – the delivery and the context are what make them funny – but the important thing is that they are funny. Not quite Rimmer in a red gingham dress talking to Mr Flibble funny, but funnier than “deader than A-line skirts” funny.
We’re back to basics – the funny comes from the characters again. Lister, the spacebum-last-human-alive trying not to go insane; Rimmer, the cowardly and self-loathing hologram with a Napoleon complex; Cat, the vain and self-absorbed felis sapiens; and Kryten the mechanoid obsessed with cleaning.
So, no serious spoilers, but here are the best smegging bits:
- It looks gorgeous (as gorgeous as a three million year old mining ship can look). They’ve put the red into the dwarf and so much thought into the designs.
- “Hey-ho pip and dandy”
- The thing with the phone…
- Rimmer sharing the ‘really hard’ lateral thinking question with Lister, Kryten and the Cat. In particular the Cat’s reponse.
- The Galaxy Quest-style Star Trek pastiche – those uniforms, that leaning…
- The eventual solution to Lister’s tea-making problem,
Smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back for the next episode (Thursday, 9pm, Dave).
Posted by Jo the Hat