Tag Archives: Claire King

Twenty lessons we have learned from Emmerdale in 2014

soaps-emmerdale-6924-2It’s been a massive year in Emmerdale with errant lumps of Jimmy sperm leading to surprise births, have a go heroes drowning after being blasted with flare guns and Kerry having a shot at being a novelist and we have gasped, laughed and watched in awe all along the way.

But, as well as being entertained, it’s important that we learn lessons too. So what can we take from Emmerdale’s wacky 2014 that will help us survive life in 2015? 20 lessons I have learned that will change all our lives for ever; here they are:

1) If you are going to donate sperm next year at any point (it’s certainly on my to do list) try and remember that you have done it and ensure that you inform your better half. These things have a habit of coming back and biting you on the ankles.

2) Never hire Kerry as a ghost writer. If Zoella had done this, her debut novel wouldn’t have just beaten 50 Shades of Grey, it would have emulated it too. Look no further than the adventures of Kitty and Randy for proof.

MORE: Exclusive extracts from Kerry’s novel about Kitty and Randy

3) Cougars will always turn psychotic and dress up in your next bride’s wedding dress. Bear this in mind when you’re taking lessons from the older woman next door, particularly if she owns a beauty salon and likes a swig of whisky.

4) Trying to steal pigs is a bad idea. The likelihood of you bringing home the bacon successfully is low.

5) If your husband’s infant daughter is grieving over the death of her mother, the best approach probably isn’t to throw selfish strops and get drunk on wine behind the wheel. This makes you seem a bit like a…well, a complete bitch actually.

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Coronation Street: A Christmas ditty

 

Coronation-Street-WK51On the cobbles of Corrie, there’s heartbreak afoot,
Lovelorn Gary has gotten the boot,
Alya’s family don’t think he’s a suit,
But when the Nazirs come on, I like to hit mute.

63641On the cobbles of Corrie, Nick Tilsley’s found hope,
Erica’s arrived to help him to cope,
She’s a bit of a flirt, she would shock the Pope,
As she eyes up her man and moves in for a grope.

soaps-corrie-8539-9On the cobbles of Corrie, Tracy’s stuck in a hole,
And sleazy Tony has his eyes on the goal,
She may be nasty and bereft of a soul,
But if only someone else had offered to console.

david-callum-kylie-coronation-street-4-460x297On the cobbles of Corrie, Kylie keeps hitting the speed,
Even though she has two children to feed,
Callum’s on the scene to exploit her greed,
But angry David will soon make him bleed.

Coronation_Street_spoilers__Michael_Rodwell_s_son_Gavin_revealed_to_be_an_impostorOn the cobbles of Corrie Michael thinks he’s found his son,
But little does he know that this ‘Gavin’s’ not the one,
He’s invited him for Christmas, oh won’t this be fun,
If Michael finds out, his dodgy ticker could be done.

mmmOn the cobbles of Corrie, Kirk and Beth’s big day draws near,
And the thought of their outfits brings nought but fear,
Still, they love each other, it’s a romance we hold dear,
Let’s hope there’s a Corrie wedding that won’t end in tears.

Coronation_Street_spoilers__brand_new_Christmas_2014_trailer_releasedOn the cobbles of Corrie it’s been a tough time of late,
So now is the time for the Street to celebrate,
There’s been some sad times, and cruel twists of fate,
Let’s hope they can start 2015 on a new slate.

Happy Christmas Corrie! Although, not TOO happy please…

Written By Our Man In The North

 

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From Corrie and Family Guy to The Chase and Christopher Jefferies: What Our Man has been watching this week

soaps-eastenders-4973-06While I have been nursing my throbbing, swollen, pus filled tonsils back to health during my annual Winter blogging hiatus, I have characteristically managed to keep up with what I normally would have written about, had the lovely germs from Jack Frost allowed me to do so.

Rather than spam the site with a ridiculous amount of articles at once, therefore, I am taking the concise and genius steps of merging my thoughts together in one post so that it’s easier for those of you who tend to skip my articles (I know who you are!).

From glittery costumes  and a very pregnant and non drugged up Kylie on The Chase to Homer Simpson beating up Peter Griffin, my viewing pains and pleasures have been as varied as the voices Emmerdale’s Belle Dingle is currently hearing. So let’s press on folks…the quicker I start, the quicker this will be over for all of us.  Continue reading

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