Tag Archives: Christmas

EastEnders/Emmerdale/Coronation Street: Christmas crackers, chaos, carnage and….crap.

untitledAkin to over indulging in turkey, chocolates, Christmas pud and that ninth unnecessary glass of Baileys, Christmas Day is a time of an exhausting deluge of soaps. In exchange for making us sit through three whole hours of it (and if you’re a Downton Abbey fan, you’ll have been nursing square eyes on Boxing Day), we are assured that the episodes will be worth it by delivering epic festive drama, warmth, disaster and surprises by the bucket load.

If we’re going to be giving up our precious Christmas evenings (hey, I’m a busy man, I got a drinking game of Jenga as a gift) then the soaps should be pulling out all of the stops. It is an annual tradition that soaps pull out their big guns on the 25th December after all but this year has given us a bit of a mixed bag with my usual favourite Coronation Street falling disastrously flat while EastEnders lived up to it’s huge trailers and beyond, leaving me tired with so many family twists exploding out of the woodwork. Let’s take a closer (and, bitchier) look at what the three main shows had to offer…

Emmerdale: Bernice sleeps with Santa and Katie’s wedding ring calls her the village bike

imagesGYXMA91LIn an unusual tradition for Emmerdale, a couple had chosen to get married on Christmas Day (it was a whole year since this had happened), well and truly stealing Jesus’ thunder. It was Andy ‘wife beater’ Sugden and Katie ‘village bike’ Addyman’s second attempt at this whole matrimony thing and, much like last time, Andy’s spiteful brother Robert was an unwelcome spectre over proceedings albeit with a different face.

The siblings had been scrapping on their parent’s graves with one of them dressed as Geri Halliwell the previous night (keep it classy lads) so it was fair to say that relations between them weren’t exactly great on the day of the wedding. However, Robert’s bit of rough, Aaron, was on hand to give his part time nemesis and part time lover some words of advice that his ongoing venomous attitude is affecting his lil sister Victoria and so he offered full apologies to be taken back under Andy’s bulging bicep of a wing again.

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Coronation Street: A Christmas ditty

 

Coronation-Street-WK51On the cobbles of Corrie, there’s heartbreak afoot,
Lovelorn Gary has gotten the boot,
Alya’s family don’t think he’s a suit,
But when the Nazirs come on, I like to hit mute.

63641On the cobbles of Corrie, Nick Tilsley’s found hope,
Erica’s arrived to help him to cope,
She’s a bit of a flirt, she would shock the Pope,
As she eyes up her man and moves in for a grope.

soaps-corrie-8539-9On the cobbles of Corrie, Tracy’s stuck in a hole,
And sleazy Tony has his eyes on the goal,
She may be nasty and bereft of a soul,
But if only someone else had offered to console.

david-callum-kylie-coronation-street-4-460x297On the cobbles of Corrie, Kylie keeps hitting the speed,
Even though she has two children to feed,
Callum’s on the scene to exploit her greed,
But angry David will soon make him bleed.

Coronation_Street_spoilers__Michael_Rodwell_s_son_Gavin_revealed_to_be_an_impostorOn the cobbles of Corrie Michael thinks he’s found his son,
But little does he know that this ‘Gavin’s’ not the one,
He’s invited him for Christmas, oh won’t this be fun,
If Michael finds out, his dodgy ticker could be done.

mmmOn the cobbles of Corrie, Kirk and Beth’s big day draws near,
And the thought of their outfits brings nought but fear,
Still, they love each other, it’s a romance we hold dear,
Let’s hope there’s a Corrie wedding that won’t end in tears.

Coronation_Street_spoilers__brand_new_Christmas_2014_trailer_releasedOn the cobbles of Corrie it’s been a tough time of late,
So now is the time for the Street to celebrate,
There’s been some sad times, and cruel twists of fate,
Let’s hope they can start 2015 on a new slate.

Happy Christmas Corrie! Although, not TOO happy please…

Written By Our Man In The North

 

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Christmas food specials: Faux faux faux

We all know these devilish television people play tricks on us all the time. But some are frankly more successful than others, and pre-recorded Christmas food specials are, without fail, a tinsel-accessoried, atmosphere-free pile of crap. Other than the obvious seasonal continuity giveaway that everyone is dressed in t-shirts, it’s all the fake hearty cheeriness that gets on my tits. As do Nigella’s tits. She may be marvellous in many ways, but the faux parties on Nigella Kitchen are ghastly, and the Christmas ‘special’ was anything but.

I thought the dish of sausages in a hollowed out loaf of bread really quite pants. Even if intended for a festive canine gathering I’d still think it was joyless. Then, at the end of the programme, when all the ‘guests’ had left, she started winsomely nibbling the side of the whole leftover loaf as if this were a treat, and it became Homer Simpson/farcical. Maybe this is unfair because I’m not a lover of bread. If it had been a giant hollowed out roast potato, I’d have certainly understood stuffing my face with it, probably when the guests were still present.

Then on Channel 4, we had the flattest, dullest Come Dine With Me ever. Not even the voiceover by Dave Lamb could resuscitate this baby. Goldie has no concept of hosting, by which I mean, allowing other people to speak or initiating conversation not involving him, so that made for a hopeless night to be present at, and to watch. His ‘entertainment’ involved looking at his pet boa constrictor coil around his body, a snake which had apparently just bitten him. It was hard not to have some sympathy for the snake.

I’d have rather scraped my own nails down a blackboard than be at that gathering. Nobody knew who anyone was, or cared apparently. We had Janet Ellis from Blue Peter who came across like a school marm (Goldie did remember watching her, at what must have been the advanced age of 18, and viewed her as being like a ‘mum’ – which upset her a great deal, being only ten years his senior). Also present were Susie Amy, AKA Chardonnay from Footballers’ Wives and Tony ‘Show Me the Way to Amarillo’ Christie.

At one point, (and please note, we’re not fools, continuity people), we had Tony Christie doing a supposedly post-meal commentary somewhere with snow behind him. Didn’t work for me. It clearly took place months after the meal, because those lush, green front gardens that showed the guests arriving at each others houses, with reindeer lurking weirdly, were clearly not shot during winter months, even if the guests had been told to wear heavy coats to pretend it was cold. Continue reading

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