Twenty lessons we have learned from Emmerdale in 2014

soaps-emmerdale-6924-2It’s been a massive year in Emmerdale with errant lumps of Jimmy sperm leading to surprise births, have a go heroes drowning after being blasted with flare guns and Kerry having a shot at being a novelist and we have gasped, laughed and watched in awe all along the way.

But, as well as being entertained, it’s important that we learn lessons too. So what can we take from Emmerdale’s wacky 2014 that will help us survive life in 2015? 20 lessons I have learned that will change all our lives for ever; here they are:

1) If you are going to donate sperm next year at any point (it’s certainly on my to do list) try and remember that you have done it and ensure that you inform your better half. These things have a habit of coming back and biting you on the ankles.

2) Never hire Kerry as a ghost writer. If Zoella had done this, her debut novel wouldn’t have just beaten 50 Shades of Grey, it would have emulated it too. Look no further than the adventures of Kitty and Randy for proof.

MORE: Exclusive extracts from Kerry’s novel about Kitty and Randy

3) Cougars will always turn psychotic and dress up in your next bride’s wedding dress. Bear this in mind when you’re taking lessons from the older woman next door, particularly if she owns a beauty salon and likes a swig of whisky.

4) Trying to steal pigs is a bad idea. The likelihood of you bringing home the bacon successfully is low.

5) If your husband’s infant daughter is grieving over the death of her mother, the best approach probably isn’t to throw selfish strops and get drunk on wine behind the wheel. This makes you seem a bit like a…well, a complete bitch actually.

Emmerdale_spoilers__Donna_dies_in_a_fatal_fall___new_Verity_Rushworth_interview6) Never handcuff yourself to a police woman who is terminally ill. Particularly if you are standing atop a high building overlooking a fatal drop. Not a risk worth taking.

7) If a maniac is chasing you with only your death in mind; an isolated lake and a dinghy aren’t the best escape routes.

8) If you lie about being diagnosed with HIV you will probably get caught and leave a lot of people upset; very much including those who have had sexual contact with you or yours.

9) When you get married, make sure you aren’t already betrothed to someone else. Sounds pretty straight forward, but even a MENSA candidate like Kerry got this badly wrong.

10) If you see someone talking to themselves, having arguments with thin air, hitting boys with tins of custard, attacking themselves and wielding corkscrews at pensioners after trashing shops, it could, just maybe, be a clue that something is badly wrong. My medical detector has never been great but even I would have whisked Belle to hospital by now.

11) Tampering with farm equipment might seem like fun when you’ve had a few bevvies but even workers with the biggest possible biceps can come off badly here. Best avoid it.

12) Do not flirt with Victoria Pendleton while your wife is in earshot.

13) Do not ever argue about money near a hormonal pubescent child. They are likely to throw tens of thousands of pounds worth of your cash in the river to prove a point. Even grounding them won’t take the sting out of this.

14) If your waters break, make sure your worst enemy in the world is nearby, else who on Earth will deliver it?

Emmerdale-WK4915) The best way to seduce the woman of your dreams is by cross dressing. It worked for Ashley. Or maybe that’s just how vicars roll these days.

16) You’re a girl. Your best mate is gay. Alcohol is consumed. Is the best solution to this combination of factors to kiss your friend? No, exactly. Hope you’re listening Victoria.

17) If an entire village of people are warning you he’s a bad un, you’ve seen him taunt your dad over his previous homosexuality and heart problems, he comes home smelling of the nearby mechanic and he smirks or sneers to the cameras whenever they’re around, he’s probably not husband material. Don’t be as blind as Chrissy White this year folks.

18) If you are going to cancel a wedding on the day, make sure you’re not actually genuinely in love with the groom. Else you might as well have just gone for it and saved all that time, effort and money, eh Priya and Rakesh?

19) If a body slips beneath the lake but is never found, the person is not dead and they WILL come back to exact explosive and violent revenge in some manner.

20)Finally, if you’re getting married next year and even your wedding jewellery is calling you the village bike, it’s time to reassess your lifestyle.

What did you learn from Emmerdale this year? Leave your suggestions below or tweet them to me here:

MORE: My soap review of 2014

Written By Our Man In The North

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