There was more going on in the jungle last night than in Jake Quickenden’s head, although admittedly that isn’t a difficult feat to accomplish. What started off as a nice cocktail party comprising of blended bull genitals and swine anus (sounds like my wife’s cooking) ended with an X Factor reject, a rap star and a prim and proper newsreader performing the most awful yet addictive jungle ditty since Insania. Meanwhile, Edwina Currie was lying flat on her back (and not for the first time) and passing her thoughts secretively on the other campmates while Vicky Michelle was playing with toy parrots. Kendra was proudly boasting that she doesn’t remember the names of most of her one night stands and finally, Jimmy ‘BullyBanter’ Bullard became the surprise first evictee.
So where do I start with this one? Okay, okay, the beginning it is.
Jimmy, Foggy, Mel and the Tinch were in low spirits since losing the contest for immunity the previous evening so the producers thought that they would cheer them up a bit by sending them all out to do the next bushtucker trial. This involved a game of spin the bottle, but before you think that ITV has turned into late night Channel 5, it wasn’t THAT type of game. Foggy and Jimmy need no more encouragement thank you very much. No, this trial involved ten, yes TEN, different smoothies of various animal and insect bits, with the odd fermented duck egg thrown in for good measure. A bottle was rotated to decide who would neck each cocktail in exchange for a valuable meal for camp. While it was entertaining at first seeing them force down the various vile concoctions; they became accustomed to it fairly quickly and, possibly due to the fact that they were so hungry that any kind of sustenance would do, it got steadily easier. So, in reality, for quite a long time, we were just watching a group of people take swigs and offer the odd expression of distaste which became boring pretty quickly. Still, it finally gave Tinchy Stryder some screentime; we did need reminding that he actually was still in the series.
It wasn’t fair to leave the other lot out of this vulgar feast so they were granted with a slap up full English breakfast, about which the adjective ‘orgasmic’ was thrown around quite a lot. The group, being the kind souls that they are, decided that they would not share details of their treat to the four suffering and hungry campers who were out winning dinner. So, naturally, having binded herself to this contract, it took Kendra a whole half minute to describe in minute detail what they had had to eat.
We were then treated to a montage of Edwina being generally horny, discussing her penchant for good looking young men (Specsavers, you’re needed) and feeling Jimmy up good and proper. Once she had worn herself out, she took herself away to a quiet corner of the camp and started talking to herself; narrating her thoughts on the various inhabitants of the jungle and creating arguably the most enjoyable part of the series so far. They most definitely should make ‘Edwina Narrates’ a regular feature. She was very kind about hard working Michael and the lovely Jake but had more than a few negative words for Kendra, whom she branded fake and annoying. And I couldn’t believe I was sitting and nodding in agreement with a Tory battleaxe. We didn’t get to see what she thought of everyone else, but I snuck into the editing suite and found the transcripts. Shhhh.
Edwina on Jimmy: What an agile and energetic young chap he is, with pins to die for. However, he does need to get himself a haircut, I’m not a fan of the hippies. What’s wrong with a good old fashioned short, back and sides on a gentleman?
Edwina on Nadia: My good friend Maggie (RIP) never had the best relationship with the Irish, but this chappess isn’t too bad at all. She is a little flighty and provocative to Jake who needs an experienced firm lady to keep him right but aside from that, I can’t forsee any problems with her. And if she goes on hunger strike, so be it. As Anthony and Declan might say: political bants!
Edwina on Mel: Darling, you might think you’re the alpha female of this camp, but you have nothing on Aunty Edwina. So long as you keep to your patch and I keep to mine, there needn’t be any showdowns.
Edwina on Tinchy: Oh, he’s still there is he? He’s awfully quiet, but I do like some of his records; they are roaringly good at our Tory reunion discotheques. And I do enjoy it when he says ‘innit’. Much more endearing than Kendra’s ‘like’ this and ‘like’ that. Brrrap.
Meanwhile, dignified newsreader Michael Buerk dressed up in a loud parrot outfit and was suspended across a chasm on a tightrope. He was challenged with shouting out loud bird calls, including ‘hanky panky’ to Vicki Michelle. It was quite a bizarre spectacle all in all but most definitely worth the cheese and crackers they were awarded. However, given the effort he put in and the fact he is starting to resemble Skeletor from He-Man, I’d have eaten the whole lot had I been Michael. The poor chap is in need of some feeding up and if he is proving as popular as I like to think, he may be in that jungle for some time to come yet.
Speaking of evictions, Jimmy became the first celebrity to be voted out, which left a lot of viewers very baffled. I already had my pun of Tinchy Stryding out of the camp ready prepared but it seems that the carefully edited footage to paint Jimmy in a bit of a naughty light has paid off a little too far for ITV. I think they wanted to create some sort of drama by implying that Jimmy was a bully but they have shot themselves in the foot big style as losing Jimmy at the very start means they are now down one of their most entertaining characters. Jimmy divides opinion but one thing we can all agree on is that jungle life will be duller without him.
What do you make of the latest goings on in the Outback? Why not leave your comments below or send any tweets to https://twitter.com/Our_manPLA
Written By Our Man In The North