The Apprentice: A petri dish of twonk

Top Twonk

Top Twonk

(Series 10, ep.8) The delicious smorgasbord of idiocy that is The Apprentice got turned up to 11 last night. We’re at episode eight –  or roughly stage two as laid out in Qwerty’s series opener blog. Some chaff has been fired. Plenty more left to sneer at.

We know their names. We could do a set of Apprentice Twonk Top Trumps card featuring those qualities of imbecilic delusion that make them so annoying. But into the mix, we got the pleasure of the Royal Bath & West Show this week (best cider bar this side of Yeovil), hot tubs, flat cap handbags and Nick Hewer looking hella cool on a ride-on lawnmower.

Team Summit comprised Bianca; sexist über-knob 1 James; Solomon; calm, collected Roisin and Sanjay. And Team Tenacity included domineering Aussie Mark; the adorable Paddington bear-like Columbian Felipe; sexist über-knob 2 Daniel and the normal-seeming Katie. UK1 James got to be PM for Summit, Felipe was made PM for Tenacity over Katie, for no explicable reason that I could see, other than the fact that she carelessly forgot to be born with a penis.

This is the episode where members of each team gets to select from a parade of random objects, which in this series included a pet finder and a flushable cat loo. It’s the sort of motley collection that you used to see on the Generation Game conveyor belt or as prizes on Sale of the Century. Teams decide what they want most, then the PM has a conversation with the manufacturer of said chosen objects to try to convince them they are right team to sell to.

James, who talks bollocks incessantly and has never once in this series demonstrated any capacity to hear anything anyone tells him, ignored the advice of the members of team Summit that he’d sent to look at the selection, and decided on folding wellies and a (clearly for swingers) garden chair. He also wanted the (also clearly for swingers) hot tubs, but it turns out that, if you’re trying to impress the Jacuzzi-meister, it’s best not to change his name to Derek halfway through the discussion. He hid this from his team (so as not to ‘ruin morale’) and got the ride-on lawnmowers to sell instead.

So Tenacity and the silver-tongued bruiser Mark got the hot tubs, but also some daft flat cap handbags (flat caps are lovely, but WHY would anyone want to buy them as a handbag?) and a bicycle seat for kids.

Then they were all off to the show. Now, my folks loved this kind of event. I’ve never been to the Bath & West, but I’ve been to others and what anyone who goes to them knows is this: the farming/agricultural lot may have money, but they’re not going to part with it for fools bickering over flat cap handbags (Felipe and Daniel, looking like Hinge and Bracket and squabbling like a pair of two year olds in need of a nap), or a pair of overpriced and pointlessly folding wellies. A lovely flask, picnic rug, good pair of socks or smart things to do with pets go down well, as I recall. Shame James overrode his team’s suggestion re the petfinder.

But it’s the big ticket items that win or lose these competitions, so it was really down to hot tubs v ride-on lawnmowers. Now, whether or not she wins in the end, Roisin  is riding high in the “far too good for this show, what the hell is she doing here?” stakes, and the poor woman ended up trying to sell lawnmowers alongside that preening, hairdryer wielding fool James, who was poor at selling, ignorant about the product, and poisonous to her to boot. He eventually drove her to anger, but she was saintly for most of the show. I’d have just fecked off and got pissed in the cider tent if I’d been paired with him, then run him over with one of the lawnmowers. It’s the sort of thing that happens in The Archers all the time.

Much as I dislike Mark’s pushiness, he’s very entertaining to watch, and he was excellent at selling those hot tubs. Though why anyone who wanted to buy seven at once would be looking for them at an agricultural show, I’ll never know (perhaps they’re for his cows – again, see The Archers. I’m sure this was also a storyline once). So team Tenacity won, and were awarded a boxing lesson, which Felipe looked somewhat unenthused by. Perhaps bears don’t box. Shame.

James took Roisin and Sanjay back to the boardroom – and, despite Nick suggesting Sanjay did very little, and a sob story from James which clearly melted stubbly Amstrad Man’s heart, Lord Sugar did actually give him the pointy finger of doom. And quite right too.

Next week: it’s the treasure hunt one. Always a cracker. And I hope my dream of seeing Felipe in a duffle coat before he gets fired also comes true.




Filed under The Apprentice

6 responses to “The Apprentice: A petri dish of twonk

  1. wiggles

    I always think it’s amazing how much more normal and nice the candidates seem on ‘You’re Fired’ than the main show. Have to admit I had a soft spot for James (borderline bullying of Roisin aside) and was really touched by his little speech in the boardroom. And REALLY liked him with Dara!!
    Plus, have to say I agreed with Nick about Sanjay!

  2. The Divine Bebe

    Yes, I agree. But ANYONE is better with Dara, surely? 😉

  3. Qwerty

    Excellent stuff Bebe, and I haven’t even watched this episode yet. I am pleased to say that 3 of the 5 I predicted for the final are still in situ. Also pleased to say that I still love Dara, possibly even more than last time I mentioned my great love of him.

    • The Divine Bebe

      Thanks Qwerty, you did well with your Mystic Meg ball. I share your Dara love & watch You’re Fired instead of the programme sometimes.

  4. I’m astonished by Roisin’s ability to memorise Stuff. She managed to speak with cheerful authority about those lawn mowers, and the week when they had to organise a day trip she had all the historical gubbins at her fingertips. Also she has Hypnotic Eyes.

  5. The Divine Bebe

    Tells you something that I’d forgotten that, but you’re right. She’s got a Knowledge-sized brain. And eyes like the snake in Jungle Book now you come to mention it.

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