Coronation Street: The secret prison diary of Peter Barlow

soaps-corrie-8509-2Mixed day for Carla in last night’s Corrie really. Let’s start with the good news; she’s got an order for tens of thousands of pairs of knickers. No it isn’t a crazed Alison King stalker with a bizarre under garment fetish, I’m talking an Underworld business deal here and Carla was in such high spirits that she didn’t even sack Suspicious Sal for receiving cheap flowers during work hours.

To celebrate, Carla whisked her workforce to The Rovers for celebratory drinks, proving what I have always thought: pants make people happy. The bad news was about to walk in however. Newly released Peter Barlow wasted no time in settling back onto the Street and made a bee line for his ex wife; insistent that they pick up where they left off before Tina was murdered half a century ago.

Carla’s ploy to ignore Peter didn’t last too long; given that he was much too stubborn to take the hint and the couple were granted the exclusive use of Liz’s back room. (Don’t go there.) As Carla pointed out, the last time they were in here, their lives were spectacularly falling apart so it wasn’t the best venue for a reunion but that didn’t stop Peter trying his best. When pining and begging didn’t work out, he tried a bit of blocking her exit; which, as you’ll recall, worked out great for Tony Gordon.

1415019952_toddhospital-corrie-burnsThings were just as cheerful at Weatherfield General, where Todd was trying to come to terms with his injuries. His guilty clan were rallying around, through a 90:10 ratio of guilt to concern. Todd only had eyes for the state of his face, which make up had done a pretty good job on. He’s taken a fair beating and, while it’s hard to muster much sympathy for Todd, having Julie and Sean at his bedside made me feel the smallest pangs of sadness for him.

Todd’s face was battered and bruised, but it was still nowhere near miserable enough to match Chesney’s. Cilla reminded us several times that ‘Our Ches’ used to have a cheeky smile all the time; but I think Chesney’s face would dissolve if he tried that now. His latest bout of mardiness was a jealously that Cilla was playing XBox games with Craig and hiding his salad for him. Seeing Cilla make an effort with Craig made Chesney upset that she had not been a better mother for him in the past.

And finally, Simon got the best ‘dad out of jail’ present any child could wish for. A diary of his deepest thoughts while he was in prison. Err…thanks pops, but some Haribo would have done. Anyway, I snuck into the Barlow residence recently and had a spy at this diary. I replicate some of the more interesting bits below.

soaps-coronation-street-peter-barlow-prisonPeter’s Prison Ponderings

Dear Diary

This prison looks nice and new, but I am still dreading coming in. I asked Our Trace for some tips on surviving inside. She told me not to look anyone in the eye, which is proving easier than I thought as some of my neighbours are missing eyes. It’s a bit poky in this cell, but I suppose I’ll cope. If only there were a mini bar in here.

Dear Diary

They always told me never to drop the soap in the showers and I learned why today. It split in half when I dropped mine and washing my body became impossible after that.

Dear Diary

My new cellmate seems all right, but I’m sure I’ve seen him on the telly before. How the mighty have fallen eh? I talk to him a lot about Simon and Carla but he’s a bit of a bookworm. Reminds me a bit of Roy Cropper just without the anorak. Speaking of which I could do with one of Roy’s fry ups now. This porridge makes good cement for the cracks in the walls but that’s about it.

Dear Diary

You’ll never guess who I bumped into today! Big Jim McDonald, Liz’s husband who held up that bank a while back. Turns out he might be able to help me steady my nerves with the odd tipple. He’s interested in how Steve’s doing and has been telling me some pretty X rated stories about his marriage to Liz. I’ll never be able to look at her in the same way again, the saucy minx.

Dear Diary

I know I shouldn’t, but that drink today was absolute heaven. I’m only going to have the one. It’s made me feel so much better and reminded me that I am in control. Well, another won’t hurt, will it? Don’t look at me like that diary.

Dear Diary

Thanks to Steve not playing ball, Jim’s cut off my supply, so he has! And he’s even got me speaking like him now, to boot! I know there are some other prisoners who can get their hands on booze but their prices are far higher, and I’m just not ready to resort to that yet. I used to have two wives for god sake. I’m sweating buckets; I really need a drink. Cheerio Now. 

Dear Diary

I’ve really messed things up now. I finally got some of that precious nectar from Big Jim but Leanne and Simon could tell I’d had one or two. Simon couldn’t even look at me. I couldn’t feel worse. There’s only one thing that will make this pain go away.

Dear Diary

The lads were passing around a copy of Inside Soap today. It’s saying that I’m going to end up at death’s door next week. That’s all a bit morbid; I need a drink to calm down but Jim is playing hard ball again.

Dear Diary

Just found Jim’s secret supply of hooch! Eureka!

Dear Diary

This hospital bed is itchy and please excuse my handwriting; being in and out of a coma makes it hard to be legible. Carla visited yesterday and I told her that I would cover for her. I don’t blame her for killing Tina; I’m sure she didn’t mean it. And I’ll do anything to protect her. Maybe shouldn’t have written this down, but what’s done is done

Dear Diary

Today’s the day! I’m going to be found innocent. No one on the Street has ever been wrongly convicted of anything before so my odds are looking good. I’m even looking forward to seeing Norris and eating in that lousy Nick’s Bistro. It’s going to be a good day.

Dear Diary

Shit.

For more of my soap musings, follow me here on Twitter: https://twitter.com/Our_manPLA

Written By Our Man In The North

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