Well Jai Sharma is in a stickier situation than his toffee factory in a heatwave. Last seen taking a leap of faith down his staircase, Jai was brought out of his medically induced coma, on the advice of Dr Rishi last night and thrust straight into a whole lot of stressful matters that made his bumpy fall seem like a full body massage.
There was a queue of eager visitors waiting to see Jai as he came round last night but none of them had a bunch of grapes and a ‘Get Well Soon’ card. The visits went from the fussing and frustrating (Georgia) to the murderously threatening (Cain) to the just plain awkward (Megan).
Cain made it clear to Jai that if he in any way dobbed ‘Our Sammeh’ in it for leaving Charity in her would-be metal tomb, then his next hospital visit would be even more unpleasant. It was nice to see flashes of the old Cain coming through; as much as I love him with Moira, I sometimes miss his dangerous edge. Jai did try to equal Cain in the threat stakes but there was only ever going to be one winner.
Megan, meanwhile, wouldn’t have been bothered at all if Jai had never woken up. She has just figured out that the slimy Sharma has been having it away with her business partner Leyla and this is not something that Megan is going to take lying down (like Leyla did). Megan has been through a fair few troubles recently, from her son being flared in the chest to her brother holding her at gunpoint, and now it’s time that she fought back. So it was probably the last thing that Jai should have done to accidentally confess that he was the one who abducted Charity. Megan has been doing well at tricking confessions out of people recently; she should most definitely be hired by MI5; all those spies and terrorists would crack in under a minute, I reckon.
Anyway, she is now armed with yet more information that could prove unfortunate for Jai, and I for one am looking forward to seeing what she does with it. Gaynor Faye has played a blinder as Megan recently, propelling her to one of my favourite current Emmerdale characters. From the grief, to the rage to the sublimely catty, Megan is a joy to watch and her revenge against Jai promises to be electrifying.
Elsewhere in the Dales, Vanessa and Rhona were back from their holiday away, and it was nice that Paddy now fully trusts Vanessa not to jump his wife’s bones. She’s far more cut up over her sixth former on/off lover Kirin, who has been a very good boy and passed his driving test. While she wanted to rush over and give him a gold star sticker and buy him a sweetie for doing so well, she was trapped with an awkward date Rhona had set her up with.
A date that went a lot better was one between Doug and his very own personal Dougette, Diane. Much to Rodney’s dismay, Doug whisked Lady Di on a five course lunch and the pair got on like a house on fire, and much better than Doug gets on with the Welsh. It wasn’t so harmonious for Jimmy and Nicola however as Jimmy bravely (and after clearing away anything sharp or smashable) admitted to Nicola that he has been secretly seeing one of his many accidental children. Nicola is not best pleased, but Jimmy is standing his ground on this one.
And finally, Kerry became a published author of sorts as a gossip magazine announced they would publish her allegedly fictional tale of Randy the Farmer and his wife Kitty. As brainless as she can be, even Katie saw the link to her own reality here and claims that Kerry owes her the money for plagiarising her scandalous life.
As a PauseLiveAction exclusive, I managed to get my hands on the first copy of Kerry’s story. It goes a little something like this:
Once upon a time, there was this lass right, with blonde hair. She was alreet to look at, like, but she’d not seen a sunbed in a while, if you know what I mean. She was married to this right lush farmer, Randy, who was buff as owt, but didn’t have much going on between his lugs. He had a bit of a past, mind, he’d set a had of a barn with his adoptive mam inside and shot his dad too.
Anyway, they were proper happy and that, always getting down and clarty in the hay. Kitty owned her own cuddy and Andy looked after the coos and that. It was a coosty life but Kitty started to get the hots for Andy’s brother.
She must have been steamin one night, but anyway she ended up in his scratcher. It wasn’t long before Randy found out. At first he didn’t believe it.
“Ah, haddaway,” he said. “There’s no way she’d garn with that doylem.”
But sadly, it was to be the end of Randy and Kitty. Randy became a bit of a radgie and started knocking about his new lass until he got stabbed and Kitty ended up with a rich gadgie who went and killed his nephew.
But that’s for the sequels, pets. Ta’ra for now.
It’s a guaranteed bestseller, mark my words.
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Written By Our Man In The North