The Archers: Dust down the agricultural story-editor

FloodedMarquee&CarParkI never thought I’d say this, but I’m hankering for more input from the agricultural story editor. I know he was taken out of mothballs the other day for a bit of ‘Oo-ar the Am’s gone brown, that’ll be the silt that will, oo-ar, I knew no good would come of that Justin Elliott and his city ways.’ But even that storyline eschewed pastoral calm in order to bring us yet another high-tension crisis – in this case the Am pouring into Linda’s marquee (Linda’s marquee is not a euphemism). Also – sidebar – how come they’ve got biblical rain showers in Borcestshire while the rest of this happily-united Kingdom is basking in the sort of sunshine that causes hardened hacks to type ‘Phew wot a scorcher’?

Anyway, I’m so over the high-tension crises. Back in the day (a few months ago), there would be four tomato blight-type plots for every Dan wanting to join the army story. I’m not saying that was quite the right balance. But lately we seem to be lurching from one damn thing to another. Roy and Lizzie have shagged! He wants to leave Hayley! Hayley’s found out! She’s being oddly good about it! Rob and Jess have shagged! Despite what he says! Jess has got a bun in the oven! Helen’s being oddly good about it! On the grounds that she has lost the little that remains of her tenuous grip on reality! The writers refuse to decide whether Rob is a sociopathic domestic abuser or just a decent misunderstood guy, so the ambiguity seems to be produced by whoever’s writing the script that week rather than any kind of actual plan! The stress is doing my nut in! As if that wasn’t enough, Mike and Vicki are abruptly upping sticks! I don’t want them to! I love Moike! Will there be an eleventh-hour reprieve? (Sidebar: There will, of course, because Bethany is the only child with a disability on the show and to get rid of her would smack of something most unpleasant.)


Have realised this is a lamb, not a calf. Am totally on it with the animal husbandry. Anyway, cute pic, so will leave it.

You’d think that’d be enough, wouldn’t you? So now we can have a little kettle-boiling pause while we segue clumsily into a story about ploughing, maybe the ploughing competition would be nice? I don’t care if it’s the wrong time of year, all right then how about a story about an orphan calf who needs to be hand-fed? But no, instead the writers hurl more discarded Eastender plots at us. Johnny randomly turns up because Pat and Tony are so careless with their children they need another one! He has a cute-yet-annoying accent! His arrival means Sharon swans in with her badly-acted sense of being constantly aggrieved! Johnny gets an interview at the local college literally five minutes later! I can’t pause for breath because Wayne, in a complete character-shift storyline so beloved of the acid-tripping Archers script-writers, is being done for drug-pushing and Fallon’s being even weirder with PC Harrison Birtwistle than she was before he nicked her old man! Which was already stressfully weird! Ed’s about to have a nervous breakdown/slash his wrists! Emma hasn’t noticed because she’s planning to get rich quick by knocking up a few fairy cakes! Leonie’s even more of a twat than usual but it’s not really her fault because the writers hate her! Linda seems to be losing her mind because of the marquee/Am/Leonie/Mary Mungo and Midge debacle!

And just when you thought, well flipping heck that’s well over this month’s quota for calamities, into the broiling slurry pit falls Ruth’s mother Heather with her whatever it was that put her in hospital, oh it was a fall was it, I literally can’t hold more drama in my head, which mean she’ll soon be bringing her horrid flat personality to Ambridge. And yet to happen, we have that crazer Freddie waiting in the wings to do something phenomenally stupid. You’ll notice I haven’t even mentioned Charlie bringing discord into the simplest trip to the village shop for a can of Heinz tomato soup.

Dear writers, please, we beg you: give us a bit of hush amidst the sturm und drang. Stories like Brian’s amused acceptance of Jenny’s totally un-needed legacy. Carol Tregorran slugging gin fizzes and being marvellous. We need a few more like that, so as he’s on the payroll, give poor old Graham Harvey something to advise on. Something boring. Poly-tunnels, strawberries, lambs, slurry, you know, the usual sort of thing. We just need a breather before you push us, screaming, onto the next roller-coaster.

Posted by Qwerty, whose new novel, When We Were Sisters, is out now


Filed under The Archers

6 responses to “The Archers: Dust down the agricultural story-editor

  1. Richard

    Oh thank you. I thought it was just me struggling with the constant round of disasters. You might have to go back more than four months to find some agricultural stories – I think that they ahve all forgotten it is a rural drama.

  2. Pip

    I love the Archers but the disappeared ones and the character-transplants are really getting me down. I’m not angry but just very sad. (In more ways than one!)

  3. Brilliant sur Les Toxophiles, comme d’habitude, Beth. I hear Jazzer is going waterskiing next week around Lake Snell at which point – insiders have tipped me the wink – he will, quite literally, jump the shark just escaped from the Pennyhasset Sea Life Centre (aka pond).

  4. Qwerty

    Thanks Richard, glad it struck a chord.
    Pip, I feel your pain. But it’s these ups and downs that test our mettle. Whatever mettle is, I’m not quite sure, I now realise.
    Ah firsttimerunner, why they haven’t got you on the script-writing team I simply do not know. It would add some much-needed comic brio to the whole thing.

  5. fanoflinda

    Hello Querty glad to see you are back again. I think we may have an agricultural reprieve coming up with the flower and produce show – will Lilian have to submit her knitted flowers? (though this is a bit like last year’s plot of Helen having to submit her jewellery that she didn’t make). Shouldn’t it be time for some more Joe and Bert rivalry on onions or some such.

    I also thought of you as they managed to casually drop in (as I predicted in my last comment) that Carol would be coming to live in Glebe cottage. I can’t wait to find out all the skeletons dangled in front of us. Would it be possible for you to do some research and find out what these skeletons might be – I only go back to 1983.

  6. James T Kirk

    I just get the feeling that this whole long-running radio drama is going to be axed in the not too distant. All of the main characters are facing some sort of crisis (Elizabeth) or dissipation (Tuckers / Home Farm etc) – or soon will be (e.g. It seems pretty obvious that Shula’s Alistair is “playing away”) , mainstay characters getting well past sell by date and/or appearing less frequently and modern industrial/corporate farming taking over. I guess that the listening audience is getting somewhat long in the tooth as well (even Archers Addicts are now defunct) – I wonder what the stats on the listening figures are revealing. Maybe the unthinkable is being pondered??