(Season 4, ep.1) It’s been a while since a television announcer warned me that there will be graphic adult themes from the outset (well that’s my story and I’m sticking to it) but it can mean only one thing: the television fantasy/action/thriller/porn series that has gripped a feverish world has made its return at last – and it was largely triumphant. Stand alone, it made a fine piece of television; against the impossibly high standards that a popular series inevitably sets itself, it fell just short.
The episode did a highly decent job of cramming the ridiculously large cast of characters into the episode so that each person’s favourite got their fair share of airtime, if only just to give tantalising scenes to their stories.
Any episode that opens with the brilliant Charles Dance (aka Christopher Lee’s long lost son) glaring into the screen gets my attention straight away and we saw him disown his one-handed son, after giving him a lovely fatherly gift of a new sword. Jaime/Young Harrison Ford/Prince Charming from Shrek 2 was not interested in taking his rightful place at the helm of Casterley Rock however, instead opting to focus on reigniting his incestuous affair with his charming sister Cersei. Cersei wasn’t really in the mood for sexual sibling shenanigans, as it transpired she was still a little peed off that Jaime got himself captured.
It wasn’t just his father and sister who were queuing up to give Jaime somewhat deserved disdain. Blond Justin Beiber, or Joffrey as he is otherwise known in Westeros, took his usual level of pity regarding his uncle/daddy’s recent plight, taking a long route to a scathing sarcastic barb that left Jaime seething.
Still, it wasn’t all bad. Jaime got a new hand made of gold so every cloud has a… gold lining.
Elsewhere, Daenerys’ dragons had reached that dreaded age of puberty and were giving her attitude. Any mother of teenagers will sympathise, but she also had to contend with keeping her slave army in line and half-heartedly fending off the attentions of that long haired guy whose name I haven’t learned yet.
Back at King’s Landing, another wedding was looming, which naturally means another lead character is soon to meet a gruesome end. In preparation for this, the Lannisters decided to invite their mortal enemies to proceedings, evidently having not learned from the Red Wedding palaver which proved that murderous enemies and occasions of matrimony don’t mix well. Nevertheless, Tyrion was given the honour of meeting the new guests, which, he accurately deduced was in case they were planning a killer trap. The Prince in question was too ill to attend the wedding (and let’s face it, we’ve all used that excuse) so he sent his brother in his stead. Said brother brought a kinky companion and engaged in a bisexual orgy and some hand stabbing before deigning to meet with Tyrion, where he made very unveiled threats against the Lannister family.
Arya was still on the road with The Hound and managed to come across a former enemy, that bald guy who stole her sword ages ago. She was keen for revenge, and a peaceful drink in the tavern quickly turned into bloodshed. After every patron of the pub was very literally de-testicled, Arya reclaimed her sword and unflinchingly pierced a hole in the bald thief’s neck. This earned the respect of the Hound, who bestowed her with her very own pony; surely a very good lesson to all young girls out there who need to know how to get someone to buy them a pony.
In other exciting news, a drunk man gave Sansa a necklace.
Are you excited to see Game of Thrones back? Did the Series 4 opener live up to your expectations?
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Posted by Our Man In The North