Strictly: Murder off the dance floor

I'm killing off that bloody Forsyth and no one can stop me

I’m killing off that bloody Forsyth and no one can stop me

Yes, I’m sure it’s the presence of Sophie ‘Murder on the Dancefloor’ Ellis-Bextor, especially in her flapper dress last night, that’s making me think that every year, Strictly gets more like an Agatha Christie ensemble piece. You’ve got all the stock characters. The pretty young things, the old rogues, the ageing glamour pusses, the screechy Welshmen and comic Geordies. Then there are all the Johnny Foreigner dancers. Ruskies and damn commie bastards. They may shake a fine leg at the old cha cha cha, but you can’t trust any of them. 

The thing about Strictly is that everyone is outwardly chummy and charming when we all know they’re all actually enormously competitive. Plus they’re stuck under hot lights in a sweaty, enclosed space wearing uncomfortable clothing. I, for one, would have very little difficulty imagining Anton du Beke as a murderous gigolo. Brucie was “missing” last night, and a girl could dream someone had bumped him off, his body lying unnoticed inside a tanning booth backstage for the fifteen hours it seemed to take to get through all the dances. The facade was that he had “flu” of course. But Tess and Claudia have been after the top compering job for years, I’m sure of it.

They were wearing a strange combination of outfits last night. Tess always manages that on her own, actually. Hers was a long glittery black sequined tube, which looked most odd when she stood next to Claudia, who had on a unglitzy, matt stripy outfit (about which someone tweeted “nice to see Claudia’s ready for the nightshift at ASDA” – thank you @carlos_delmambo for that).

2013-Strictly

It’s very early days, and there are too many contestants to go through them all in detail, but in essence, we have:

Top of the pack – Abbey Clancey, wife of Peter Crouch, Natalie Gumede from Corrie, Sophie Ellis-Bexter and Ashley ‘Hollyoaks’ Taylor-Dawson (though some of us think, if your wife is having a baby, you might want to give her your attention and support rather than taking part in a programme which means she’s pretty much got to go it alone whilst you spend all week in spandex and in the arms of another woman)

Very good – Susanna newsreader Reid, Fiona Bond jacuzzi girl Fullerton, Rachel Countdown Riley (needs more confidence)

Better than you might have thought, enjoyable to watch  – Mark Benton, Deborah ‘Dragon’ Meaden

Reasonable but not exciting  – Patrick Robinson (Ash from Casualty)

Ok, hmm, well. But you can’t take your eyes off them – Vanessa Feltz, Dave Myers. Ben Cohen – universally acknowledged to have great arms.

Dreadful and/or irritating – Julien MacDonald and Tony Jacklin

Two combined things for Strictly lovers to be aware of – the live Guardian blog by @heidistephens is cracking, and Twitter is an excellent source of bitchy commentary. I’ll leave you with this to put you off your dinner for life:

@nickiweldingnew Rumours of over excitement in Anton’s pants…. Mum has the remote in hand ready to replay recording once live show is over

Posted by Inkface

7 Comments

Filed under Strictly Come Dancing

7 responses to “Strictly: Murder off the dance floor

  1. arialbold

    Needed this analysis to distinguish between the 15 (15!) competitors. Invaluable. Pondering why they have to have so many to start with, then realise it’s the Star Trek solution. When Kirk and Spock beam down to a planet they always take at least one or two crew men with them whom you’ve never seen before. And of course the extras are there just to be killed off. Bad luck crewmen Jacklin, MacDonald and Cohen.

  2. inkface

    I think Jacklin may be the first officer down. MacDonald and Cohen will have their fans. Hairy Biker Dave is a worse dancer than either of them to be honest.

  3. Can’t see the fuss re Patrick Robinson, I must say. Thought he was wooden last week and not much better this week.

    Claudia and Tess – surely the future? Suspect the BBC know this too well but are too afraid of another McCrirrick/Channel 4 stylee Channel 4 Tribunal meltdown…

    Final thought – how kind of the SCD producers to be able to provide one former teen crush of mine to nostalge over each year. I may never recover from SEB’s Charleston.

  4. inkface

    She’s amazing (SEB). I can only assume Mark Lamarr had a massive crush too, since he was pointlessly & twattishly rude about her All The Time on Never Mind the Buzzcocks back in the day. I agree entirely about Ash/Patrick’s heavy feet. He’s not my cup of tea. I’m not sure who I DO like this year tbh.

  5. I remember ML’s snide vendetta against SEB. In fact, they had some Buzzcocks clip show on telly recently and both Mama VG and I struck by how much he seemed to loathe women generally.

    Agree with you re this year’s field. Mind you, it’s always hard when there are so many people early on. I know it’s a big money spinner for the Beeb so they try and drag it out for as long as they can, but it really would benefit from having less folk at the beginning – especially given the D List nature of some of the “celebs” making them a bit forgettable anyway…

  6. inkface

    Totes. Plus I think Mark Lamarr is a man scarred by having very strange and difficult hair.

  7. Nikki

    I’ve never noticed it before, but SEB is pretty hot. I might have to watch now.
    And agreed on the Tess-Claudia fashion stakes. Some interesting dress choices so far lol.

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