(Series 9, Ep.4) Dynasty Barry’s makeup skills are legendary. She once made Emo Imogen look a bit less emo and a bit more like she had a circulatory system, just with the judicious application of a spot of blusher. Week in, week out she flies the flag for the Superdrug makeup counter by wearing the entire range of Girls Aloud false eyelashes, from the Cheryl to the Nicola, at the same time.
So when Verruca Salt wanted a makeover for a party, who was she gonna call? Dynasty did her best, she really did, but at the end of her efforts the Great Reveal revealed – Verruca looking more or less the same as she had five minutes earlier, but a bit more thrilled.
This was the cue for possibly the most ludicrous scene I’ve ever seen on Waterloo Road (and that’s saying a lot) as Verruca sashayed down the corridor with people swooning to the left and the right like she was in some kind of musical theatre production.
Are we supposed to like Verruca? I think the writers want us to like her (they give her a lot of screen time), but she just doesn’t project any likeability at all. This meant that the storyline of her being tricked into taking “candid” selfies for a boy who took an interest in her only moments before and then finding them turning up on every phone in the school fell completely flat. It’s a real issue – something similar happened at PLA Jr’s school – and I should have felt sympathy for Verruca, but I just wanted to give her a slap.
The staff reacted predictably. Sonya trotted anxiously around on her little legs and Christine called an Emergency Assembly. Simon, who’s down with the kids, yeah? reckoned it was “the way kids these days express their sexuality.” He’s been watching too many Miley Cyrus videos.
The girls, led by Dynasty, took their revenge by bursting into the boys’ changing room and snapping the lads in their undercrackers (or without them). Barry Barry, who’d been the instigator of Selfie-Gate, wasn’t best pleased. “Don’t tell me to be calm!” he protested to Christine, as assorted extras clustered around him shivering. “They’ve got my image! Illegally!” But, ever the businessman, he sensed an opportunity. “I want those pictures paying for – or deleted.”
Meanwhile, Princess Windsor had had enough of being the unofficial Head of Mandarin and official Wife of George, and packed a bag to leave for That London. George, who until now has been a fairly sympathetic character, teetered on the edge of being Mr Nasty Control Freak by cutting up her credit cards and locking her possessions away, but Kevin Chalk was on hand to rescue her bag and lend her some cash. Oh, and he planned to run away with her as well.
That was never going to happen, because Kevin is only a schoolboy, and we’ve seen that Princess prefers her men a bit older, and preferably with their own house and car. Worse than that, he has a jacket with a strange texture that looks like it’s covered in dandruff. So Princess swerved their rendezvous at the train station, and Kevin was left to slouch back to Waterloo Road alone – where he promptly dumped Dynasty. Yes! He actually dumped her. I was extremely surprised that he escaped with the use of both his legs, but I was glad to see that Dynasty was pre-prepared and had gone for the waterproof mazzy.
And Audrey worked out that Lisa Brown was the brains behind her online friend, “Moira,” so she gave the Browns’ grandfather a call. Obviously, given the state of the Browns when we first met them and the fact that we aren’t as dim as Audrey, we weren’t expecting a kindly old Santa Claus lookalike with a bag of Werther’s Originals in his pocket to turn up next week. The preview suggested we were right.
In other news, Kacey’s boxing skills aren’t just down to Maggie’s green smoothies, but it’s true she does need her nutrients – and plenty of ’em, according to Nikki Boston.
Barry’s job as Sue Spark’s enforcement officer is turning into a full-time job. Barry has requested a pay rise.
And we didn’t get to see this, but we’re reliably informed by Dynasty that Kevin dances “like a bag of monkeys.”