INTERIOR . Meeting Room. Several people in office attire sit around a table.
HEAD OF DEPT: Now, if we can just get underway…
A woman in her late twenties, VELOCITY GIRL, bursts in, looking dishevelled.
VG: I am SO SORRY I am so late…
HEAD OF DEPT (wearily): What was it THIS time, VG? Broken down car? Cat vomit?
VG: No, actually it was *pauses* Gillian Anderson.
IT CHAP: What, the Thunderbirds dude?
WOMAN FROM ACCOUNTS: No, you twat, that was GERRY ANDERSON.
FACILITIES MANAGER: You mean her that was Agent Scully in the X Files?
OFFICE ADMINISTRATOR: She was so good in that, she was serious enough to play a sceptical Dr…
IT CHAP: …whilst still being proper phwoar enough to win FHM’s Sexiest Woman In The World in 1996!
VG: The very same.
HEAD OF DEPT: So what happened to her after she was in it – she seemed to disappear for ages…
VG: Well, apart from the shitty film spin off, very little, unti-
WOMAN FROM ACCOUNTS: Wasn’t she Lady Dedlock in Bleak House?
VG: Yes. She was utterly superb and often heartbreaking as a lady of grandeur hiding life-ruining secrets. Plus, she delivered the first line of the first instalment and nicked the entire bloody series with it. Plus, by this time, she had matured to the point where she had graduated from sexy starlet to proper jaw-droppingly gorgeous.
HEAD OF DEPT (wistfully): As so many older women often do…
OFFICE ADMINISTRATOR: But how come her English accent was so good?
VG: Well, she lived in London (Crouch End ish) from the age of 2 until the entire family emigrated to the States when she was 11. Plus, she’s lived in London again since 2002.
WOMAN FROM ACCOUNTS: Hence that incredible accent. Calm, melancholy and so swooningly posh…
HEAD OF DEPT (whilst fanning VG): So then what did she do?
VG: Well, she was in a film with Danny Dyer..
ENTIRE ROOM: DANNY DYER???!!!??1!1etc
VG: …but we don’t talk about that. She then started cornering the market in upper crust, troubled roles which peaked again when she was Miss Havisham in the BBC’s latest go at Great Expectations.
IT CHAP: Is it wrong that I fancied her in that?
VG: Not at all, there is something weirdly sexy about Gillian Anderson even when covered in cobwebs and flinging around mouldy wedding cake.
WOMAN FROM ACCOUNTS: And isn’t she in something at the moment? About a serial killer?
HEAD OF DEPT: Oh YES! The Fall! She’s the Detective leading the police investigation, being all committed, troubled and enigmatic.
IT CHAP: In all those silk blouses…
Pause. Everybody takes a moment to reflect on the silk blouses.
WOMAN FROM ACCOUNTS: So, in summary, she appears to be intelligent, looking better with each passing year, chooses her roles well, has a voice you could eat off plus is due to appear in something called Our Robot Overlords?
IT CHAP: I for one welcome this.
VG: Yes, all of the above.
HEAD OF DEPT (losing patience): So, VG, when is the wedding and is this related to your lateness?
VG: Yes, this is why I’m late – I can’t decide – where’s better to propose, Tuscany or New York?
ENTIRE ROOM: New York.
Cut to INTERIOR – Bedroom. An alarm goes off. VELOCITY GIRL awakens and realises that due to her dream about Gillian Anderson she has overslept and is in fact late for work.
Why does Life only ever imitate the crap bit of Art?
Posted by a P45-toting Velocity Girl