The X Factor: The theme we didn’t know we wanted – Queen v Lady Gaga

Queen v Lady Gaga. Wow, the theme that we all wanted only we didn’t know it. If the theme wasn’t exciting enough, we had the drama of Funtime Frankie being replaced by Amelia Lilly for being a lazy wastrel who couldn’t sing and having no discernible talent. What? He wasn’t kicked off for that? It was something to do with breaking a golden rule? *kisses teeth*

Ker-razy Kitty opened the show with a big old Queen number. She was in a massive huff in her VT because Misha was getting to sing ‘Born This Way’ and apparently that’s her song and she gets emotional if anyone else sings it. What a freak. So instead of that she sang ‘Don’t Stop me Now’ in her typical over the top style. As if to make up for having to sing her second choice song and to avoid her wrath she had been given a huge production budget. She had people pretending to be horses and all sorts. As ever I wasn’t that impressed with her vocal. She was sounding strainy again.

Craig sang ‘Papa-papa-ratzy.’ He sang it at full pelt and at its normal speed. Did he f^ck? He squeezed all the vibe out of it and turned it into a Craig special, and by that I mean he slowed it down, over emphasised a lot of the vowels and had dubious phrasing. It seems the only songs he can sing without dicking with them are Adele ones. The judges loved it but I thought it was a little boring and a bit of a cop out. We know Craig can sing. We need to see him bring the flavour.  

Little Mix (yep, they’re still trying to make that name work) have stolen my heart. I really do like them now. This week they did a sort of lame mash up thing. They didn’t really need to sing a few lines of Queen before going into ‘Telephone’ but they did anyway. They weren’t bad, but I’m starting to feel uneasy about how the blonde one is clearly the lead singer and therefore the most likely to leave first and ruin the band. For anyone on Furby watch, yes they did put her in reflective trousers again and yes, she looked rubbish.

The Devlin was going back to her roots this week and that of course meant singing like words don’t have their last syllable and going all up and down in volume. I think her performance was supposed to be “stripped back” as they say in the trade. I think it was just a bit boring. Considering the most recent version of ‘Somebody To Love’ that most of us can recall is by a group of 30 year olds pretending to be teenagers in Glee, giving it the corpse bride Devlin treatment was a risky strategy.

Marcus seems to want to be Britain’s answer to Bruno Mars, Little Richard or anyone who ever sang in the 50’s. Fine, who am I to piss on his chips? The judges did though. Apparently singing in this style was predictable, as he did it last week. Well, if that’s the style of music he wants to make in future shouldn’t he be doing it now, as theoretically he could be making a whole album like that this time next year? Anyways, he performed ‘Another One Bites The Dust’ and I think he struggled a bit. All that dancing coupled with a song that has lots of words in each sentence made for a vocal that was a bit sketchy at points.

I ain’t gonna lie, for me it feels like a light has gone out in Misha B. I’m not sure she’s getting the right song choices. Her performances are always amazing and her vocal very rarely veers from seriously on point, but it just feels like something is missing. Maybe she’s being toned down for middle England or something. Does anyone know why she was dressed as Sister Mary Clarence?

Amelia Lily was welcomed back in place of Frankie, but it seems he took her boobs with him when he left. I’ve never seen anyone look so flat chested in a basque style top. It was properly distracting. When I managed to actually focus on her singing she was good. A little over the top, but I’ll allow that as she was all full of happiness and joy to be back on the show. It was always going to be her wasn’t it? Apart from 2 Shoes the other acts need a frickin’ hose they’re so damn dry. Who would ever vote them back in?

Kitty got turfed this week and as if to prove she’s utterly bat shit insane she channelled Darius Danesh and sang her goodbye to us all. Dermot’s face was priceless and, oddly, she managed to sound better than she did during her performance. As US starlet Jojo sang, it was too little too late and Kitty is now free to pack up her crazy and go elsewhere.

Next week is Movie Week. If Janet does a breathy “emotional” version of ‘My Heart Will Go On’ I will actually kill myself. I’m serious – someone best go warn ITV and Syco or they’ll have my blood on their hands.

Posted by Sabrina Francis          (more X Factor here)

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