The X Factor: Murder on the dance floor

We all know the X Factor likes playing fast and loose with the theme, but this week they took the piss. “Dance floor classics” could have been more accurately renamed “Songs that people have danced to at some point over the last 50 years.” It was a double eviction week and we know how exciting those are. Personally I get all a-flutter. The only thing better than seeing one set of dreams dashed is seeing two sets of dreams dashed.

Johnny busted out a Madonna number and, compared to the average vocals of the divine Ms M, he wasn’t actually that bad. Then just to swish it up a bit more, he seamlessly segued into ‘You Spin Me Right Round.’ The comments he received were a bit ridiculous. Tulisa said he was predictable. Well, durr – Johnny always sings big camp numbers with dancers and a large slice of production values. As for Gary’s whinging? Whateves. His Mr Nasty stuff is wearing thin. I’m well bored of him telling people how happy they are or questioning if they liked their song.

‘I Want You Back’ was a freaking bizarre choice of song for The Devlin. Janet is hardly known for bringing the lolz. I don’t think the song suited her voice and it jarred with her awkward personality. I’m not even going to mention the dancing. Her hair looked good, though.  

I think Craig has got a voice that’ll suit fast songs. The boy is a diva. Gary’s “you have a slow tempo voice” chat was very strange in the VT. The problem for Craig this week wasn’t the tempo, it was song choice. Doing the old slow start, electro end for his version of Heaven felt super cheesy to me. He wasn’t helped by the criminally awful backing track. He was obviously giving it full face, but I dint need to write that, did I? We know Craig will always give us full-on face and gun finger action.

The Risk were lucky enough to meet and be inspired by JLS this week. They channelled this inspiration into a dated performance of ‘Night To Remember.’ They even did weird mic movements that made me feel sad inside. Only Boys II Men can do that kinda stuff. The rap was a totally unnecessary addition. Dudes, we know Derry is black, you make him wear track tops and a cap. He doesn’t have to be the rent-a-rapper as well. I obviously wasn’t the only person to find their performance a little underwhelming and they were voted off first. I didn’t expect that at all. I thought young girls would be all over them. I was amazed that Gary had the cheek to talk about a boy band only having one lead singer. Bitch needs to take a look at his own career. After they were slung off the show, Johnny was the next to be booted off. Sad times people, sad times. Now there’s no chance we’ll get to see a man sing ‘I Am What I Am’ in full drag on prime time TV.

Marcus blew that place up! ‘Reet Petite’ was amazing. The styling was brilliant and he looked delightful. Was the tash for the performance, or Movember? Who knows!  It was a very brave song choice for this sort of programme but it just worked. I wasn’t too impressed with the pointless black and white introduction though. No jokes, this boy needs to be in the final. As his performance was so good, Louis obviously took the opportunity to say Marcus reminded him of any man of colour who had ever held a microphone.

Kitty loves putting on a show and this week was no exception. The added bonus this time was that we got to see her try to dance. Shit me, she’s bad. It was like someone had put a newborn in skates and sent them down a hill. Limbs were flailing about in all directions. Seriously, If Gary Barlow is mugging you off about your dancing you might need to haul your ass to Pineapple for a few private lessons. Kitty sang ‘Like A Prayer’ and belted it out in her usual style. I think I just don’t like her shouty voice. She never sounds nice, just loud. I’m also sick of seeing her fanny lips. Why can’t she ever wear an outfit that comes with more than just a gusset?

Frankie was a hot mess. They actually gave him The Black Eyed Peas to sing. Say what?? The boy just stomped around the stage speaking into the microphone. It was honestly one of the worst performances I’d ever seen. In fact I swear most uni rugby clubs probably sing that song better on their team coach on the way to getting lashed at Sports Night. Frankie should have been made to sing a proper floor filler in its original style, so we could see if he had any talent whatsoever.

Full disclosure: ‘Proud Mary’ is one of my favourite songs in the world! To me, no one will ever do it justice. Ms Turner the goddess will never be topped, not by Misha B or that slightly odd man on Come Dine With Me this week who sang ‘Proud Mary’ in his garden. Aside from this, Misha put in a good performance, she worked in the Tina dance moves and her vocals were on point as usual. I’m still not sure I’ll ever love one of her performances as much as ‘Would I Lie To You.’

Little Mix sang a song aimed squarely at their demographic and performed a Rihanna number. Before I can even talk about their singing, I feel their outfits need to be mentioned. Firstly, the meanness of putting all of the girls apart from the one that looks like a Furby in skirts or shorts was inexcusable. What a way to make a girl feel shit. “Here you go love, you’re a bit fat. Sling on these trousers. We’ve put a reflective panel down the front. They’ll be slimming!” I don’t think this week was as good as last for them, but it was okay. I do wish they’d find a better way to harmonise rather than just shouting things in turn though. Kelly said they’re really good acapella. I want to hear that.

On Saturday we get to vote back one of the first four who were kicked off the show due to Frankie breaking a golden rule and being asked to leave. Seriously, if it wasn’t for all the press this decision has generated I wouldn’t even be able to name the first people eliminated. JonJo who?

Posted by Sabrina Francis          (more X Factor here)

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One response to “The X Factor: Murder on the dance floor

  1. pauseliveaction

    “Now there’s no chance we’ll get to see a man sing ‘I Am What I Am’ in full drag on prime time TV.” John Barrowman, are you listening?

    Marcus… adorable. What a smile! And he can actually sing.