The Archers: Nice day for a white wedding

There’s really ever such a lot that is irritating in the Archers at the moment. All right, there’s no need for that. I mean even more than usual. There’s the continuing story of Bridge Farm going down the toilet, in which it’s hard to say who’s more infuriating: Tom for insisting they have to re-brand (how many times can he say ‘re-brand’ before we must spear him with his own pitchfork?), Tony for being so dead set against the idea, or Pat for being sanctimoniously in the middle. Also super-irksome: Tom’s godawful pigs-playing-football youtube monstrosity. Please, pretend virtual people, don’t click on it any more, it only encourages him.  The only pleasing aspect of  the Bridge Farm yawn-fest is Brenda being pissed off about being left out of the planning meeting.

Then we’ve got the December romance of Jim and Christine, which is teeth-gritting not because I’m troubled by the thought of wrinklies having sex – just ask my 75-year old boyfriend! – but because it means we have  Jim being nice instead of his old irascible wind-up-Shula self and, more to the point, we have regular interludes with Christine whose acting is still as mahogany as a sideboard. And not to mention, though I will, because everyone else is, the tedious presence of Cloive ‘Orrobin, a man who is supposed to be menacing but who is merely nauseating, and whose performance makes Christine look like John Gielgud.

Nonetheless, in a wide ocean of irritation, the thing that winds me up the most every time I switch on, is this bloody wedding. WHY? I yell regularly at the radio, there being no one in earshot to yell at, everyone having evacuated the house at the first sniff of a ‘dum di dum.’ WHY ARE THEY SO BLOODY-MINDED ABOUT JANUARY 1ST? While Nic blathers on about invitation cards (how implausible was it to think that she might actually try and buy them in the village shop? Whoever wrote that line deserves a smack), and Will decides to have Roy as his best man again because it all worked out so well last time, I just keep hurling unanswered questions into the Ambridge ether. What’s the big deal about January 1st? Who’s going to cover the huge expense of people having to be paid time-and-a-half? Why’s Caroline being so sodding accommodating when clearly she’s already got a ton of other stuff going on? What about it traditionally being a nice quiet day after the excesses of New Year’s Eve, a buffer with nothing more than telly and left-over Quality Street before everyone has to back to work? What, in short, is going on with Will and Nic’s massive sense of entitlement that they’ve decided the day and that’s that; now everyone else must work their butts off to ensure it happens just as they have randomly decreed? And finally, and most puzzling of all, why is Nic even contemplating wedlock, when Will becomes more serial killer-esque with every episode?

In short, I’m not surprised Ivy chose now to peg it. ‘A wedding?’ she cried. ‘On January 1st? How incredibly narksome. Unplug the life support Susan, there’s a love.’

If only we could all be as blissfully un-sentient.

Posted by Qwerty


Filed under Radio, The Archers

7 responses to “The Archers: Nice day for a white wedding

  1. Our Man in the South

    You’ve hit the nail on the head on all fronts. And another thing; just when is Tom’s voice going to break? He constantly sounds like a thirteen year old boy. So, so irritating.

  2. Qwerty

    Ooh I know! In fact maybe my next column should be a league table of who has the most annoying voice? Pretty wide field.

  3. sue tobin

    Very funny and very true.

  4. Cormac


    What annoys me the most is the shoe-horning of Ambridge Extra plotlines in, for those of us who don’t listen to it (I would, if it wasn’t so awful). They’re easy to spot, simply listen for “Did you hear…?” followed by inexplicable unmentioned-till-now news about a major character:

    “Did you hear he’s got a girlfriend now?”
    “Did you hear there was a big fight in here last night?”
    “Did you hear he’s gone to Poland?”

  5. Fanoflinda

    Querty my dear, so good to have you back. Couldn’t agree more about the wedding. Though how Will has now managed two people to marry him is beyond me. Is there some secret sex appeal we are not being told about? Hopefully everyone will be too hungover to attend and Nic will run off with Roy leaving the lovely Hayley free to marry a non racist with a bit of sparkle, though no immediate contenders come to mind now you mention it.

  6. Very funny Qwerty, the thing that has suprised me is that everyone seems to have forgotten Nicks her little bout of child abuse on little George. She has gone from sinner to saint to a short space of time. But whether in angel or devil mode why would she want to marry mr boring Will Grundy?

    PS Caroline is bending over because she is Wills god mother!

  7. juicer

    Hopefully Ambridge will be covered in a couple of feet of snow on New year’s eve, and no one will be able to leave their houses for a month.