The X Factor: The worst kind of theme show

This week we were treated to the worst kind of theme show. Not one that’s around a genre or artist, but a sort of made up holiday thing. Halloween songs? Really? Oh, ok then. Yes, all the obvious songs were sung.

The Risk opened the show with what might just be their 18th line-up change. Or it could be their 3rd. I’m not sure, as I lost interest a long time ago. They were lucky to survive really, as they had the death spot, a new line-up and had the audacity to sing a bizarre arrangement of Thriller. I was hoping Thriller would be saved for the Sunday group song. Can you imagine the horror of them miming to that? Yeah, that would truly evoke the Halloween spirit.

Johnny singing a song that mentions the devil was a bit of a cop out, but we did get a glimpse of his future employment. I’m pretty sure he’ll while away his post X Factor years lounging on a piano and singing the classics. It was nice to hear him sing properly. It’s been all too easy to forget that he can actually carry a tune.  

Not sure why Sophie had borrowed her style from Minnie Mouse. Big puffy bunches? Are you sure? As ever she put down a decent vocal, but she’s just a bit boring. Her snooze factor, coupled with her inability to raise her game and truly blow our socks off, meant she toddled off back to North London (my endz) earlier than she probably deserved to. We all know who’s to blame, right? Yep, that talent vacuum Frankie.

Marcus seems to be loving rocking out the big stage numbers and again went for a bit song with big production… and a lot of eye makeup. I really do like his voice but I keep catching moments where it sounds really weak. It used to be warmer and rounder.

Halloween was always going to suit Misha B, as the bitch loves to dress up. Not sure she needed a rhino horn though. She did have a good choice of song and, as usual, made it her own. It’s amazing, when she sings something, even if it’s a well-known song it always takes me a few bars to work out what it is. Karaoke she is not.

Janet came dressed as the corpse bride, apparently with orders from the afterlife to bore us all to death. Her crimped hair (yes, I said crimped and yes, it is still 2011) made me feel a bit queasy. She had the look of a demented Girls World head. Gary was right when he implied she was a bit samey and the audience could be getting a bit bored. In fact, I’d back him if he told her to fuck right off stage and take her Babyliss crimpers with her. Her delivery of every song is the same.

Frankie was better this week but that’s probably due to the massive amounts of backing vocals he had. It was obscene. At times it was like there was four other autotuned Frankies on stage with him. Is X Factor like Eurovision now, as in you can have secret vocalists singing off stage? Yet again he had some ridiculous VT portraying him as some world class party boy and shagger. Vile. I’d rather fill my vayjay with concrete than have the Cocozza peen anywhere near it. This whole schtick simply can’t be true. In Sophie’s VT she talked about having a tiny bit of time off to see her family. Are we really supposed to believe that Frankie is allowed off the X Factor roller-coaster for regular lads nights?!

Kitty had some Cruella weave thing going on that confused me, but she did pull out a good performance. I’m not sure this was her best week vocally, as at some points she sounded like someone trying to be Annie Lennox while squeezing out a poo. It sounded a bit strained.

Wowzers, Little Mix (shit name, by the way) pulled it together. They sounded really good and their staging was cool. They really are the nearest we’ve ever been to a decent group on the X Factor. I imagine the bods behind the X Factor are desperate for a group to win. This could be the year.

Craig’s performance was interesting. As ever he delivered a good vocal but I couldn’t understand why he was singing about fire in a massive coat. Maybe it was one of those fireman ones that protect you from burning. Either way it was odd. I do wonder when the poor boy will be allowed to stop singing Adele songs or when his VT will stop being about food. Did I really need to know his favourite Chinese takeaway? No, I didn’t.

Hopefully Kelly will be back next week so we can carry on with the judges at war narrative. I mean, without being shamelessly manipulated how will any of us know what’s going on? Alexandra Burke’s mental whooping and hollering was straight up weird and can’t be allowed to continue. Stick to singing sister. Bad Boys is, and will always be, a proper tune.

Posted by Sabrina Francis          (more X Factor here)

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