The X Factor: Musical murderer week

So this week the judges upped the ante and were at war. Or they were trying to create drama in a desperate attempt to gain viewers. It’s a sad state of affairs when a doddery old man at death’s door and a giant in an ill-fitting dress is beating X Factor in the ratings. It was Rock Week, so we had songs by Ke$ha and ballads. Ballad versions of songs that used to rock. In short, X Factor took famous songs and ripped the heart out of them like some kind of musical murderer.

The boys

Ahh, Marcus was in a super cute outfit, sorta like rock by numbers. A ripped tee and some jeans. Grr. He did put on a show for once and his performance was well received. I liked it but I wasn’t overly impressed, he seemed to get a bit screechy at points. Considering he’s more John Legend than John Lydon he still delivered in a week when the theme really wasn’t suited to him.

Craig has got some lungs on him. I really liked his performance but I question whether slowing down a rock song should have counted. I was surprised by his choice of song, but it really did suit him. I fear that if he doesn’t start doing stuff to stand out people might not vote for him and he could slip to the bottom of the results table as the viewers presume he’ll be safe.

Why the hell was Frankie’s VT just about him being a disgusting filth bag and going to low rent celeb clubs. Mahiki isn’t all that. Even I’ve been there, had a treasure chest and been sick on the C2 on the way home. Frankie is so gross he makes my crotch itch just looking at him. That boy must be riddled with disease and what was his entrance about? I get it was supposed to be cool, but it just looked like one of those O2 ads from a while back. Then once on stage the talentless goon tried and failed to sing again. He really, really, doesn’t deserve to be on the show. His song fit the theme but he was just not very good. He has definitely started to believe his own hype and needs to back off.  

The Girls

Oh look, a contrived interview VT so we all see that Janet has some vibe about her.  I think it might have made her look a bit rude. This week she had a good song choice. It fit the theme and suited her voice. She even managed to move a tiny bit and not be all behind the mic and boring. The song showed her voice has some strength and isn’t as papery thin as we’d been led to believe. What she sang was a ballad though; rock was nowhere to be seen.

Sophie looked amazing and much like Janet did the old trick of slowing down a rock song to make it suit her rather than actually raising her game and singing the song as it is. I liked her version of Living On A Prayer. Well, apart from the slightly shouty bits during the chorus.

What can I say about Misha B? Jesus, her singing was totally overshadowed by this trumped up bullying charge. Seriously, if she’s a bully kick her off the show. If it’s neurotic Kitty who can’t take someone with a bit of flavour talking back to her, then she needs to grow up AND grow a pair. Kitty and I are the same age (supposedly!) and I’d be beyond embarrassed if Louis had to bitch and whinge about me being bullied on live TV. I’m guessing it was Kitty, because I imagine Sammi gives a swift left hook and a tongue lashing to anyone who crosses her.

The overs

What an amazo choice of song Sammi had. I was willing her to vibe out and do a Cher hair flick.  At some points she was a bit, hmm, loud without really singing and her vocal was reminiscent of a drunken divorcee at a working men’s club. It wasn’t as boring as Gary made it out to be though. It wasn’t earth shattering but it wasn’t that bad. Sammi had a niche and stuck to it. Sadly this didn’t work out that well for her and she got the heave-ho after a singing showdown with Kitty.

Kitty still annoyed the hell out of me in her VT but she really embraced rock week and managed to sing a hard song at its original speed and kinda do it justice. She does feel a bit fakey Lady Gaga though and that’s starting to be a bit wearing.

What a perfect song choice for Johnny. I bloody hate The Darkness. But somehow Johnny singing them made them seem less annoying. His vocals were better last week as apparently he makes a better Kylie than a Justin Hawkins. Louis is clearly trying to “normalise” him, as this week he performed in a boring suit. I want to hear Johnny sing well. That doesn’t mean he can’t dress up and put on a show.

The groups

Bitch please, regardless of what Tulisa said the songs Rhythmix sang were not rock songs and pretending that any song with a guitar is a rock song just makes her look like a dick. Anyways, the girls did well and I think I might be starting to like them. They seem to genuinely get on and can actually carry a tune. I really want them to sing No Regrets by Dappy. It’s crazy but I think it’d really suit them. It’s loud in some bits and quiet in others. Right up their street.

Bloody hell did no one watch Last Choir Standing? Okay, just me then. Crazy is too hard to sing with multiple voices. It always sounds rubbish. The performance by The Risk was so bad it made me feel really awkward. They seemed to be over straining and the individual bits were horrendous.

Next week will be exciting as we’ll all get to see what levels the judges are willing to stoop to in order to reinvigorate the show and earn their SyCo dollar. Maybe one of the judges will hop on the table and have a rectal exam, Embarrassing Bodies style. Or maybe next series they’ll pick decent acts so we don’t all lose interest.

Posted by Sabrina Francis          (more X Factor here)

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