Look, Strictly started it with Craig and Len doing their Statler and Waldorf impersonations. If they don’t want to draw our attention to the performers who are all startled expressions, fluff and jerky performances they shouldn’t lampshade them.
I’ll admit my heart sank at the concept of Broadway night. For one thing every night is pantomime night on the Strictly dancefloor, especially when it comes to the judges. Unlike the hair-trigger audience who appear to have been stuffed full of ’70s orange squash and pre-health and safety Smarties, my favourite of the judges is resident ‘villain’ Craig. He seems to me to be the only one judging dancing as opposed to national treasure status. And the day he finally loses it and punches Bruce on the nose for one of his homophobic comments will be Fab-u-lous.
Muppet or mover?
- Mover: Holly has potential, though there’s still something a little unconvincing about her for me. Perhaps she suffers from not being Kara Tointon, though clearly cast from a similar mould and paired with the beautiful Artem.
- Muppet: Dan is even less convincing. I find him rather stilted and way too impressed with himself. Over on Twitter the hashtag #IagreewithCraig was born and deployed with full force after his critique of Dan. It won’t be the last time it gets wheeled out. And don’t get me started on their use of We Will Rock You as their musical source. It makes me want to channel my inner Craig Revel-Horwood – it’s not exactly what I would call Broadway, dahlings.
- Anita. We’ll get back to Anita in a minute. We have to deal with the delectable Robin and that awful wig first. Less an elephant in the room than the roadkill rook in the gutter. The things these professionals do for Strictly eh? Unfortunately for Anita, even in a dead rook wig, Robin totally stole the limelight. She simply couldn’t keep up in the jive. And if Bruce is going to recycle his ‘why didn’t you have a jive/salsa/Viennese waltz night in the Queen Vic’ joke each week, we can only hope that Anita leaves sooner rather than later.
- Mover: Alex did turn in a very elegant waltz, though I was distracted by her slightly frozen face.
- Mover: Rory. I liked his quickstep, there was some nifty footwork when he was in hold. Shame his section was tainted by Lionel Blair – I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to forgive him for his utterly despicable comments about Humphrey Lyttleton after Humph died. I wasn’t all that keen on him before that either.
- Mover: Lulu. Her dancing was fine, but she was overshadowed by show-off Brendan, who also did her no favours with an illegal lift. (Though if Len is going to condone lifts when it suits him, frankly Brendan is going to keep sneaking them in – probably just to annoy Craig).
- Muppet: Nancy. I’m not at all surprised to learn she’s a potential biter… Anton earned my respect for not letting her have her own way. You can’t help feeling that not many people say ‘no’ to Nancy. Her dancing’s not much cop either, so she won’t be with us for long (I hope).
- Mover (albeit with Muppet tendencies): Audley. I’m really warming to Audley – he seems like a bit of a sweetheart. It was a neat little quickstep too, with character and pace. And unlike Gavin Henson, you can’t always seem him counting the steps.
- Muppet: Robbie. The judges loved his tango. I thought it had no pace, no passion and no tension. Dull, dull, dull. Couldn’t be less savage… It doesn’t help that I think he has silly hair and a scary smile.
- Mover: Russell. Confounding his allotted role as this year’s ‘dancing pig’, Russell has a great attitude and is a nifty mover. He really is a ray of sunshine on the dancefloor. Now if only he could just see the light on the astrology nonsense…
- Mover: Jason maybe the best of the bunch, but he may also want to win too badly. Loved his tango, a fabulous mix of machismo and camp.
- Mover: Chelsee doesn’t look like she should be out this late, in fact she looks like one of those child beauty pageant entrants, but she does have bags of energy and enthusiasm.
- Mover: Harry. He can ‘mess abaht’ with me anytime… That boy can dance. And he has a nice face and tremendous arse. He’s already won the Children in Need Strictly special – I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see him win the trophy proper this year.