We did it. We puffed and panted our way through the auditions, boot camp and judges’ houses. Now it’s time for us to all to face the music. It’s the lives!!
Now we’ve got the lives, I’m not sure it was worth all the effort. The song choices were lazy and the whole show was a bit boring. It was one of the worst opening live shows I can remember. Apart from Misha B, it was like being force-fed a vat of tepid skimmed milk. Bland.
This is always a hard category to stand out in. It’s either full of cocksure wannabes or pallid bores designed to tug at the nation’s heartstrings.
In the former category we have Frankie C. Jesus H Christ, someone get that boy a jug of Bromide. The whole way through the competition his arrogant, arse bearing, too much swagger for his age shtick has got on my last nerve. Then, in an attempt to “humanise” the little brat, we had to sit through him going all emotional and ruining an Ed Sheeran song. Seriously bruv, the young girls may like you but your vocal is wack. That breathy Pete Doherty shit will only take you so far. (Yes, I am aware that combined heat generated from the loins of the tweenagers he excites may well propel him to the final. Sad times).
James was definitely in the pallid bores category. When he rocked up for his week in the sun at judges’ houses I had no idea who he was. I thought he was just wearing a hat to avoid springing for the litres of conditioner it would take to keep his curly mane manageable in the heat. I didn’t even realise that was his “thing.” He’s this year’s Twat in a Hat, if you will. What can I say about his singing? Hmm, the song they gave him was so wrong. In the first week we need a performance that drags us in and makes us pay attention, or a faultless vocal. His warbling while clutching on to a guitar simply wasn’t good enough. He deserved to be dispatched this week.
Craig and Marcus both did well. Marcus was flanked by female dancers and did look a bit awkward but there were moments where his vocal was pretty good. There were also moments when he sounded less than ideal but I think he just about pulled it off. Poor Craig, I’m amazed he even made it onto the stage after a week that looked like hell for the poor boy. I have no idea why we had to see him being starved and run ragged in his opening VT. Oh, yeah, it’s to give him stamina, or help with the high notes or something. If I remember rightly, they tried the same thing on Paige last year. I can’t believe the X Factor producers don’t see how damaging it is to show a boy being forced to exercise in order to win a talent contest. Don’t even get me started on Louis and his “it’s nice to see you taking it seriously by losing weight” comment. Bastard. Anyways, aside from all of this Craig took to the stage and sang his little heart out.
Jeeze, as ever this category is a bit of a joke. Though this week was a minor success as Kitty was on screen and I managed to hold back from stabbing myself in the kneecaps. She is one annoying girl. I fear we’re going to have weeks of her showing her “real personality” and trying to get us, the audience on side. Yawn, it didn’t work with Katy Waissel and I doubt it’ll work for her. Johnny is starting to grate a little on me because it’s all just a bit of a waste of time. He’ll never have a recording career BUT he will make shit loads on the drag circuit. Good luck to him. If he can make a career out of his slightly average vocal, then who am I to comment? Sami, who made the lives after replacing the god awful Goldie, belted out a discoish version of Free. I imagine she’ll be rocking out a lot of discoish versions of songs until she gets booted out in week 6. Jonjo was a hot mess from top to bottom. Ugly suit, rubbish song. The end! Louis made the right decision to put him out of his misery and send him back to his boys in the army.
We all know only one girl properly shut it down and that was The Divine Ms Misha B. Now, I’m no fan of rapping in the middle of songs, but my girl carried it off. The slightly annoying rap was easier to swallow due to her amazo singing bits. Janet gets on my wick like no other but I will admit that she sounded alright. Her choice of song was very predictable though. She’s so one-dimensional. What the crack is she going to do in Divas week or have a personality week? I’ve sneezed out things with more spark than her. Sophie didn’t do much to make us love her or make her stand out but her performance of Teenage Dream deservedly got her through to week two. Amelia had the hard task of not just opening the show but doing it with a big song. Her version of Billie Jean started out alright but went a bit ropey towards the end. Poor Kelly was in a tough position as her category was by far the best, but in the end little Amelia got the boot.
Wowzers, between the groups it was like 72 different songs were sung at about 40 different pitches. For me 2 Shoes were the best, but obviously they got the heave ho. There was no way on earth SyCo were going to have a preggo woman wobbling around the stage, no matter how good she is at belting out the work of Girls Aloud. Rhythmix for some unholy reason settled on Singing Nicki Minaj. Error. Rapping and singing split 5 ways. Player please. That was never going to work. The vocal was all over the shop. Kelly was being polite when she said the harmony could be a “bit tighter.” The boy bands were interesting. We had one lot singing the song of a convicted woman beater while jumping around and the others sang Plan B and reverted to type by getting the black to rap. I didn’t see that coming. I really didn’t. Oh yeah, I DID!
I’m hoping that next week will be more interesting and we’ll get a chance to see why the judges put this rag tag bunch of singers through to the lives because at the moment I have no idea. I’m also hoping that we get a theme that makes sense. America vs. the UK? Whatever.