Strictly Come Dancing – Amazing Jase and the Boa-Constricted

Following on from OMITS’ sterling work, it is now my turn to take my rightful place in the Shadow of the Glitterball. From the safety of my laptop, you understand – me on a dancefloor is the sort of occasion that court orders were invented for.

Nothing unusual to report on the first bit, same as ever i.e. Bruce making the sort of jokes found on the floor of a Christmas cracker factory whilst Tess vacantly looks on in a dress that gives her that whole “toilet roll holder they forgot to finish” vibe. Has the show taken a leaf out of X-Factor and started theming? If so, this week must be Ghastly Novelty Fancy Dress week.

First up, Harry Judd from McFly. He too seems to have embraced the Fancy Dress theme by coming as a darts player. Meanwhile, his partner Aliona looks a bit like that girl that murdered her dad in Coronation Street. Despite this inauspicious start, their Cha Cha Cha (or Cha cubed, for those of you as sad as me), to probably the most insanely catchy pop song of the last 5 years is a lot of fun. A bit jerky and uncertain, for sure. But he’s an enthusiastic performer and they do seem to have chemistry. The whole thing is very enjoyable right up until the point where Bruno starts talking about spunk. I of course missed the next bit whilst I threw up but apparently they scored quite well. I did however make it back in time to see the non-dancing celebrities awkwardly mingling in the background and was struck by the similarities between Robbie Savage’s grinny facial expression and that of Roland Rat. Has anybody ever seen them both in the same room? Postcards to the usual address.  

Rory Bremner follows, partnered by Erin Boag, “Ooh”, I think to myself, “it’s wrong to recoil as soon as you see her, maybe she’s not quite so madly competitive and has actually mellowed as a person this time around”. “Is it my time to win this year? I can’t really answer that” replies Erin from the television. Oh. Anyway, Rory does a very smiley Waltz and everybody quite likes it so that’s nice. Having said this, the thought of tedious impression week after bloody week does dampen my enthusiasm for him somewhat.

Village People just out of shot

Next, That Nice Girl From The One Show Valleys, who is apparently called Alex. Isn’t she nice? The Genius In The Strictly Casting Department has therefore put her with Stroppy James Jordan, who is seemingly too busy tearing his shirt off in the VT (I know, the spirit of Mills and Boon will never expire for some) to understand a welsh accent. Despite the unexpected language barrier, Alex gives the Cha Cha Cha a damn good go and is promptly given a dressing down by Craig. James Jordan counters with some Real Talk and Tess is forced to intervene just before it gets interesting. Dagnammit. Still, James is really sweet to Alex. Could this be one of those Strictly pairings that turns out to be greater than the sum of its parts?

Who is this girl? Oh, it’s her from Waterloo Road! She can’t spell Chelsea properly, but so rarely can we have it all. Chelsee is in fact properly ace, a big-haired bundle of Northern Uproar. “But I’m not like a wave” she helpfully explains. Her Waltz is a bit staggery (“obviously you had some balance issues” says Craig in a rare moment of understatement) but she gives her all and is surprisingly elegant. And anybody that dances to Girls Aloud is fine by me.

Look, it’s Vinthent! I love Vinthent! Sadly, our friend in the Casting Department clearly does not. Following in from having to guide Dot Cotton to relative safety at Christmas, he’s now lumbered with Edwina Currie. Oh Vinthent, what did you do? He does the best of a bad job and Edwina is not quite as annoying as Ann Widdecombe, which is admittedly not a high standard but is something.

Continuing the “feisty woman of a nearly certain age” theme, we now have Nancy Dell’olio. Nancy introduces herself in the third person. Velocity Girl doesn’t take to people who do that. Nancy thinks Nancy is brilliant. Unfortunately, her partner Tony Beak (he calls himself Anton Du Beke but ever since I found out his real name I can’t stop using it) thinks Tony Beak is brilliant. As a result of which, the whole thing turns into an episode of Anton And His Bloody Props as they spend much of the dance ensnared in an errant feather boa. Nancy learns the hard way that trying to look glamorous and seductive whilst apparently fending off Emu is not a recipe for success. Tone complains about everything and everyone without realizing they’re both posers with only themselves to blame. Unsatisfactory.

Which leaves us in the unexpected position of relying on Jason Donovan to inject some class back into the proceedings. Um, what? Anyway, he seems incredibly relaxed and his Cha Cha Cha is by far and away the best of the evening. I feel better for involuntarily going “woo” when he first appeared on screen, although I still may take a course on self-discovery nonetheless. You never can be too careful.

All in all, a mix of sofa cheering and sofa chewing. Twas ever thus. Tune in next time, but meanwhile, KEEEEEEEEP DANCING!

Posted by Velocity Girl


Filed under Strictly Come Dancing

3 responses to “Strictly Come Dancing – Amazing Jase and the Boa-Constricted

  1. .::Big.Bang::.

    I hate Bruce and his “jokes” but at least he’s bearable. Tess, on the other hand, makes me want to phone an assassin every time she’s onscreen. Get bloody rid of her! And Anton… No, just no. He’s a joke.

  2. Our Man in the South

    Great work, Velocity Girl. Nancy had it coming, didn’t she? You can’t be that full of yourself and expect things to go smoothly. Which is probably why Vinthent got Edwina.

  3. WaterlooVamps

    Nancy’s just like: Oooh! I’m so pretty and intelligent and wonderful and wealthy! She can’t dance either. I think Chelseeeeeeeee Healey’s quite good and she’ll be better at Latin I think. Reeeeeeaally not looking forward to Brucie’s Currie jokes. At least we’ve still got our lovely Bruno, but I will miss him saying “Sccccott!”