The Apprentice: Handbags and Lads’ Mags

Firstly, apologies for the lateness of this missive. It’s taken 2 whole days to lever my jaw back off of the floor after the sheer witlessness of this week’s antics of our favourite bunch of halfwi- I mean Business Entrepreneurs.

Thankfully I’m now re-Covered – I make this hilarious witticism as one of the mags created as part of this week’s task was called Covered! Re-Covered! Do you see?! (We’ve spoken about this before, VG – I’ve a shepherd’s crook and I’m not afraid to use it- Bad Pun Ed.).

Anyway, time for Velocity Girl’s Non-Exhaustive Run Down Of The Least Bad Bits!

This Week’s Task – Create a free magazine in a day and then spend a day pitching it to advertisers. Minus side – it involves the Apprentices (should the plural in fact be Apprenticii? Oh I don’t know, I’m still traumatized by Pants Man) being creative. Exhibit A – Slangatang. Exhibit B – EveryDog. Etc, etc. On the plus side – no more high-visibility jackets! Every cloud no longer has an eye-burningly neon lining!

This Week’s Runners and Riders – Team Illogic, led by Natasha-yeah (this appeared to be her name, given how often she said it) with (in)capable support from Helen (who?), Tom, Leon and Melody. Their fierce competition this week? Team Ill-Thought-Out Venture, led by our old favourite Lucky Jim. I was particularly pleased at this turn of events, as it gave us a further chance to observe Jim’s sudden and spectacular transformation from Richard Curtis film to Alfred Hitchcock film. If they’d shown a scene of him trapped in a darkened room squinting through a telescope, I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. His unfortunate victims team mates this week were Glenn, Zoe and Susan, which goes to show that everybody gets their Just Desserts in the end.

Mummy, make the bad man go away now, please.

This Week’s Upsetting Pseudo-Sexual Encounter – Zoe and Jim. Oh god, Zoe and Jim. Jim: “Nayw, we’ve not werked together befayre, Zoe, so we haven’t!” Zoe: “heeeheeheeheeHEEEE”. Imagine Adam’s Rib, except with Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn both replaced with SHARKS.

This Week’s Sensible People Who Are Sensible And Therefore Ignored – Helen and Tom. In true Apprentice style, they went to see the focus group and came back with lots of helpful insights about how they shouldn’t make their lads mag (I know, they’re partying like it’s 1996) too, erm, laddy. Which was promptly ignored by Human Bulldozer Natasha, yeah, who, really likes using boobs, yeah, to sell things, yeah (oh shut up, I’m still not as annoying as her). Seriously though, Helen seems to be gradually coming to the fore, helped by her victory as PM (Project Manager, not Prime Minister, although given the way the world’s going…). Plus she came up with the name, “Covered”. Which was considerably better than…

This Week’s Worst Idea Ever– So, Jim’s Lot, you’re pitching a magazine at the over 60s, who are actually an untapped market and shouldn’t just be written off as old and duff. So what do you call your magazine? Hip Replacement. I’m sorry, I’ll just say that again. HIP REPLACEMENT. The look on Nick’s incredibly-offended face was enough to stop the programme and in fact should have done, for the dignity of the remaining participants.

This Week’s Best Conversation Ever– “Ideas for a name?” “Pension Mention?” “I don’t think you should mention pensions”. Beaudiful, man. Like Gilbert and Sullivan for the iPad generation. Or, er, something.

This Week’s Most Insightful Insight –Leon: “Our focus group was quite focused”. See above, I’m too busy weeping at the futility of it all.

This Week’s Least Surprising Conversation– Brainy Tom: “I don’t really read lads’ mags very often” Totally Not Gay Leon: “Oh, I do!”. Because Leon is a PROPER MAN and is NOT GAY, got that?

This Week’s Eternal Question – How Do You Blow Your Load? Preferably into the back of the head of whoever thought of this ridiculous trash, but maybe that’s just me.

I would put a Tom's Helmet Adjustment joke here but this is a family blog.

This Week’s Lifetime Highlight – As somebody who has “Geek” written through them like a stick of rock, Tom’s poor attempts to hide his joy at getting to adjust a scantily clad model’s Hard Hat (steady) warmed the very cockles of my heart. Bless him.

This Week’s Fundamental Misunderstanding Of Negotiation– Jim’s complete failure to knock any money at all off the advertising pitches meaning that they got the sum of exactly Absolutely Diddly-Squat Bugger The Fuck All. Jim, mate, (oh god, I’m turning into Glenn), when Susan is the one speaking sense, it’s probably time for early doors. So it is (VG, stop that this instant – Regional Accent Tolerance Ed.).

This Week’s End Result – Despite the hugely dated concept, Team Illogically Covered were victorious by some distance. Meaning that they got to enjoy…

This Week’s Crap “Treat” Of The Week – Fencing! Oh well, at least they didn’t have Jim with them…

This Week’s Sad Café Highlight – Hard to pick one, so Jim’s general swiveled-eyed, King Canute demeanour. The whole scene’s dialogue was basically drowned out by the whirring of the cogs in Jim’s head.

This Week’s Jaw-Dropping Let Off I – Zoe The Human Mood Drain (who finally seemed to be in her element in the Sad Café) who came up with the name Hip Replacement, an idea so bad she shouldn’t have just been sacked but also given some level of community service, wasn’t taken into the boardroom by Jim, who was presumably too busy being haunted by Vincent’s Banquo-esque figure buried deep in his subconscious. Jim was left to fight it out with Susan  and Glenn and fight he certainly did, with a display of such calculated spite that it hurt my teeth. And I’m a Lawyer, I’ve seen Stuff Like That (I’d tell you but I’d have to kill you etc). Despite this, we ended up with…

Oh Glenn, unlucky mate, as he would no doubt say.

This Week’s Jaw-Dropping Let Off II – Baron Alan His Holiness listened to Jim’s complete meltdown and Susan’s incessant whinging and decided… that he couldn’t possibly work with an Engineer so Glenn was fired! My god Alan, Jim got you too! Derren Brown, you’re an amateur compared to this chap.

And alas, this inexplicable turn of events means that I am spent. What happens next week? I don’t know, something to do with Jim and waterboarding, I expect.

Posted by Jim’s Number One Fan Velocity Girl (I’m not, but his big blue eyes told me to say it and my typing fingers started working by themselves).  

The Apprentice: Best of Series 1-4 available from LoveFilm


Filed under The Apprentice

5 responses to “The Apprentice: Handbags and Lads’ Mags

  1. Corumba Love

    Did not, have not, watched the prog for three years or so (forget why, prob for the reasons you distribute here) but love the review. Witty and fun in a benignly anti–corporate and Sugar dispensing manner.


  2. JennyWren

    V.g. VG! A triumph of recurrent sniggers. 😀

  3. Velocity Girl

    Why thank you, CL – most kind of you to say so!

  4. Qwerty

    Great review, VG. It’s always around this point in an Apprentice series when I start to mutter old lady type of things such as, I wish Shugs had some kind of moral compass other than the bottom line. Ok so the over 60s mag was a bit embarrassing and Jim was a lousy negotiator; but for the other team to win with such a outdated and sexist piece of shite just sends the worst possible message. If they’d lost on the grounds of taste and decency I would feel a lot more comfortable about my misguided love of The Apprentice.

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