True Blood 310: How fucking lame

Warning! This review contains a jolly big spoiler. So if you’ve somehow already managed to avoid the million websites that contain this selfsame spoiler, you might want to move on. There’s a good review of the Heston Blumenthal programme right here, for instance.

Ok guys I'm bored now. Can't we have a nice game of Scrabble instead?

After last week’s superlative episode it was going to be a challenge for this one to match up, and it didn’t. Too many scenes went on way too long, especially that boring V-trip taken by Lafayette and Jesus. If there’s anything more dullsville than watching two acid-heads staggering round an imaginary seventh dimension wearing dumb-ass expressions of wide-eyed wonder, I’ve yet to find it. Ok, scenes involving Crusty Crystal come close. I guess Jesus’s grandfather being into black magic will become relevant, but the thought of it makes me tired. Can’t Laf and Jes go to the gym and out for a yummy meal and have a nice time together? Do they have to get tangled up in yet another scary storyline?

Sam’s dark past also went on way too long, and seemed designed purely to try and justify his out-of-character aggression last week. So he was a jewel thief and killed his lover and her new man; but a far greater crime was his murderously bad Brylcremed hairdo. Mind you I forgave Sam everything when he rebutted Horrible Holly’s herbal remedy by asking if she had any cures for nosey interfering people. My lord, which of us hasn’t wanted to do that when a well-meaning friend has thrust a fairyland homeopathic pill under our noses? When Holly made things worse by outing herself as Wiccan (which I thought was a type of basket, and perhaps I’m right), Sam went even higher up in my admiration by stating the rules of the bar: no dancing and no religion.

Even though Crusty and her creepy father weren’t too much in evidence it was still too much. Turns out Crystal is a panther. How fucking lame. I’m not just being rude, by the way; I’m merely copying Sookie’s pithy response on finally being told what she was. ‘I’m a fairy? How fucking lame.’ Couldn’t agree more, Sook. Bill tried to make it more impressive with talk of the ‘fer’ and aliens and yummy tasting blood, but really, a fairy? A pink thing in a frilly tutu who goes round collecting baby-teeth? How fucking lame.

There was an exciting stand-off between the three main characters, in which Eric made it clear he knows something about Bill that Sookie wouldn’t like to hear. We would like to hear it, that’s for sure, but we weren’t allowed to. I think there’s a teensy clue in the subtle dreams Sookie keeps having, in which Eric tells her not to trust Bill and then snogs her. I have been wondering if Bill deliberately got Sookie attacked early in Season One so he could give her his blood and thus tie her to him. Oh, the tangled webs we weave, when we can’t get a bird without first giving her an intravenous injection of our haemoglobin.

Oh Anna Paquin, how I wish I was you.

Talking of Eric and Sookie snogging, it happened at last for real this week, and not just in their dreams. Believing to be on his way out, Eric drew up a bucket list (a re-bucket list?) that read, ‘Make Will leaving everything to Pam (tick). Get vengeance on Russell (tick). Kiss Sookie.’ It was v sexy for a bit, but then Pam convinced him to try and use Sookie to get out of jail free.  I was surprised he resisted this scheme, particularly considering Pam’s persuasively purple ruched blouse but it didn’t take long for his lack of conscience to ping into action and he chucked Sookie in the basement. Naturally, she once again failed to rescue herself with that shiny light thing that comes out of her hand.

It was marvellous seeing Steve Newlin and his immoveable hair back on tv. This was one scene that should have gone on longer, and where was the lovely Sarah? Talking of Jason’s conquests, he went bananas and told Tara he had shot (poached?) Eggs. Tara’s facial expressions this series have consisted only of horrified and shocked, so she had to ratchet it up a notch further for processing this information: horrified, shocked and appalled.

Hoyt was a dreamboat hero, telling Jessica the truth about his feelings and ditching the persistent Summer despite her desperate come-on line: ‘I know it’ll take a while for you to get used to me coz I’m warm.’ Tommy is also v keen on Jessica, and told her that her fangs were ‘fucking hot’. The exact opposite of ‘fucking lame,’ I imagine. I rather warmed, like Summer, to Tommy when Jessica said Hoyt was too good for her. ‘Well I’m not,’ Tommy said, sweetly and truthfully, yet to no avail. Soon Jessica was healing Hoyt in the only way she knows. It sure looked weird watching a square like Hoyt sucking a vampire’s blood. But it gets to all of them in the end, down Louisiana way.

 Posted by Qwerty

1 Comment

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One response to “True Blood 310: How fucking lame

  1. Tim

    Good: Hoyt and Jessica. The sweetest weird TV couple since Willow and Oz.

    Bad: That interminable Lafayette/Jesus trip. Okay, we get it.

    Bad: Crystal’s a shifter. No, really? We hadn’t worked that one out, likem, four episodes ago …

    Meh: Pretty much everything else.

    I’m with you. After last week’s super episode, I’m increasingly worried that the writers are spending so much time setting up season four that they’ve forgotten about tying up season three satisfactorily. Either that, or it’s going to be one almighty mish-mash of a – thank you, BSG – clusterfrak in the final episode.