In the continuing bid for high drama before the credits, Sookie staked Lorena, causing a great tsunami of blood to go geysering up to the ceiling before coming down splat! on top of poor old Bill who was shackled underneath. I’ve high-fived the props department before (‘thirty vats more ketchup over here!’) but they surpassed themselves with the amazing red gloop that once was Lorena. Can’t say I was sorry to see her go. I imagine almost all that red gloop was her lipstick.
We galloped into this episode with the same thundering pace of last week: Sookie and Tara teaming up telepathically to overpower the wildly irritating Debbie, Alcide putting a silver bullet in the horrible Cooder, and everyone dragging Bill into Alcide’s van and tearing off across the manicured lawn, running over a werewolf or two en route. Blimey, I said, and not for the last time, as I steadied my nerves with a slug of Babysham. Phew, I added, as Alcide and Tara had a sensible conversation and Sookie cut her arm with a hacksaw to revive Bill, as you do. All back to normal I see. Sookie cutting herself with a hacksaw constitutes a calm interlude round these parts. But Bill went bonkers and drained Sookie dry, and when Tara opened the back of the van and saw what he gone done, she threw him into the blazing sunlight and got Sookie pronto to the hospital where she was at death’s door because she is just plain weird and doesn’t have a blood type. If I was smart this would doubtless tell me something about what Sookie is but as I’m not I’ll just stick to ‘plain weird’ as my verdict for now.
Sookie went into a magical coma-induced place in her head and I laid off the Babysham because it was such a friendly little dream. Coma-visions in drama are normally a sign that the writers aren’t sure what they’re doing (yes Sopranos, I’m looking at you), but Sookie’s was nice and mercifully brief. It was rather like a Sarah Brightman video, or one of Maryann’s parties except without the dancing and shagging and sacrificing. Lots of wraith-like creatures happily playing round a pretty lake. Meanwhile Merlottes was left to run itself yet again as Jason and Lafayette rushed to Sookie’s side. Alcide was also there, which I thought rather sweet of him. Sookie was just getting to know Claudine, a friendly coma-vision inhabitant, when it all went dark and everyone started jumping into the lake. This it turned out was due to the dark presence of Bill, who turned up looking sheepish and gave his blood to Sookie. Though was she grateful? Was she heck as like. When she woke up and saw him she screamed the place down.
Elsewhere, Sam infiltrated the dog fight by the clever tactic of turning into a dog. He saved Tommy from the ring and gave his pathetic parents what for. I must point out that Tommy’s Dad isn’t always in his undies: he was dressed this time. But Sam clearly couldn’t get enough of those baggy Y-fronts, insisting he strip off and give his clothes to Tommy. It was rather moving when Sam said to Tommy, ‘I can’t promise you a perfect life but it will be better than this.’ Tommy isn’t the brightest pitbull in the ring and you could see him weighing it up. Staying with horrible redneck abusers who force you to take part in dog fights, or hanging out with your older brother who runs his own bar? Hmm. Tough call. Finally the brothers Grim went off together and Tommy’s parents started sniping at each other. I suspect we haven’t seen the last of them.
Also nasty was the Magister, who was torturing a very cool Pam by piercing her eyelids with silver earrings. ‘How did you know I was a Tiffany girl?’ purred a terrified Pam. I love Pam. More Pam! Luckily there will be more Pam, as she was rescued by… hang on I’m getting ahead of myself.
Jason was on a mission to find out more about the boringly enigmatic Crystal, and Hoyt was being wooed sledge-hammer style by the splendidly upfront Summer: ‘I really want you to taste my biscuits.’ Poor Hoyt: his heart says Jessica but Summer is clearly a match for legions of vampires.
Star turn was Eric, though when is it otherwise? He captured Sophie-Ann by dint of draining her favourite human Hadley, who happens to be Sookie’s cousin. Hadley told him the truth about Sookie, though it was a whisper and we didn’t get to hear it (even when I turned the volume up so loud that the people upstairs banged on the ceiling, and we don’t actually have people upstairs). Eric turned to the camera and said, ‘That I did not expect.’ I wondered if he was going to go into a whole Frankie Howard routine: ‘That I did not expect, indeed I did not, titter ye not madam,’ but alas that will just have to remain in my head.
Russell then swept Sophie-Ann off to be married in every girl’s dream venue, the basement of Fangtasia. But first, they had to rescue Pam. Russell is quite gifted in this department and before you could say blimming heck that Magister’s a bit keen on his rules, Pam was free and the Magister was tied up in silver chains. Russell then undertook a not-bloodless coup, telling him he was not answering to the ‘authority’ any more. To prove it, he forced the Magister to marry him and Sophie-Ann, then sliced off his head. It certainly wasn’t like any registry office do I’ve been to.
Posted by Qwerty