True Blood 306: Kill Bill gories up a notch

Let me straighten your necklace, Your Maj.

Hot on the heels of the most amusing episode, this was the most tense – possibly ever, but certainly in this series. My stomach was in knots from the start, and my dreams were filled with blood and torture. Terrific stuff, chaps – keep up the good work! As well as being stressful, this episode raised as many questions than it answered. Which was no mean feat, as it answered a lot of questions an’ all. Here are my top ten questions yet to be addressed:

1. As Russell is almost 3000 years old, why is he called Russell? It’s apparently an old French name: but surely it’s not biblically old? Perhaps he changed his name because Talbot thought Methuselah didn’t go with the decor. Ok, I guess I’ve answered that one.

2. Bill seems a smart guy. So why, if he wanted to be of any use at all to the captured Sookie, did he stake a vampire guard? He knew it wouldn’t go down well. Neither did his attempt to spike Russell. Talbot was once again appalled by the mess on his carpet. Poor chap, I do feel for him. Blood is so hard to get out of soft furnishings – just ask Sookie. I wish they’d distract Talbot by having Eric flirt shamelessly with him. Oh yes, so they have.

3. Hasn’t Tara been watching True Blood? I can’t believe she thought that smashing Franklin’s head in with a silver mace would finish him off. He’s going to turn up all healed next episode, you mark my words, and he’s going to be rather miffed. A stake, cupcake, that’s what you need: a stake. Say after me: ‘I need a stake.’

4. Are the cracks beginning to show in Russell and Talbot’s 700-year marriage? ‘Sometimes it feels like 7 million years’ – Talbot. ‘Deep down, my darling, you are very weak character’ – Talbot again. And, ‘You never take me anywhere!’ (Talbot.)

5. Why exactly is Sophie-Ann a queen? Russell confessed to being as mystified as me, when he said he’d known many queens (I don’t think he meant Talbot this time), and she sure wasn’t one. So why is she royalty? She’s not as old as Eric, she’s dim and she likes doing scratch-cards.

6. Why couldn’t Sophie-Ann defeat Eric in combat? Last time they argued she overpowered him easily. This time she was no match for him. Is this simple plot expedience? Or wot?

7. How will Sookie get out of being savaged by Lorena? When last seen, Bill was tied up on the floor, victim of 1000 cuts, like Britain under a Tory-Lib Dem coalition. And Lorena was biting into Sookie with centuries of pent-up rage and frustration. Plus simply absurd layers of lipstick. I guess Alcide and Tara will have to come to the rescue.

8. Is Crystal just trailer-trash? For someone with such a decided jaw, Crystal seemed rather in thrall to her hideously scarred redneck boyfriend and his aluminium dwelling-place. Either she is a supernatural being, or the victim of domestic violence. Either way she is trouble, and thus Jason will tangle himself up with her big time.

9. Will Talbot be best man at Russell and Sophie-Ann’s wedding? I can’t wait to see the colour schemes, and nor can Hello!

And I've eaten some garlic bread.

10. How did Jessica feed on and glamour the Merlotte’s customer so quickly? I don’t know but it was one of the few scenes of light relief so I was grateful for it. I loved Arlene thinking that putting up her fingers in a cross shape would ward Jessica off.

And here are the questions that were answered this week:

1. Is Russell always completely urbane and calm? No he most certainly is not! He got properly annoyed when Lorena quailed on being tasked with killing Bill, though she quickly wised up and put on a startling yellow tracksuit to do the deed.  He also got a teensy ­bit irritable with Sookie. So, not totally cool then.

2. Will the mysterious chain-wrapping scene from episode one ever be addressed? Yes! Finally! All this time I have been waiting for someone to mention the way Sookie dealt with the rotten Rattrays, viz. chucking a chain and it throttling them seemingly of its own volition. And at last, she fessed up to it as being one of her special powers. This is good confident drama writing that takes its time, yes indeedy.

One day? That's kind of a long relationship for me...

3. How long will Laf and Jesus last? Half a date. Then Lafayette revealed himself to be a drug dealer and Jesus took off. I was relieved really; their slow snogging was getting on my nerves. C’mon lads – you’re not teenagers any more! Gerronwithit!

4. Could Lorena be any more annoying? Yes, astonishingly enough. She spent the entire episode sobbing bloody tears and putting incisions into Bill, till there was enough mess to send Talbot permanently mad should he see it.

5. Can Sookie do any impressions other than Bill? She did a fairly creditable Eric. ‘Sookie, you make me feel almost human.’ Then a non-impression follow-up: ‘I hate your fucking guts Eric Northman!’

6. Has Tara permanently lost her mojo? No folks, she has not. Good to see her bashing in Franklin’s head, even if misguidedly, and swanning past werewolf guards with a jumped-up story about feeding Sookie almonds. Also terrific to see her saying exactly what she thought of Sookie’s suggestion that they rescue Bill. And finally, on meeting a starkers Alcide in the grounds, and saying, ‘You got a car?’ Tara, you’re back! Though possibly not for long once Franklin’s healed himself.

7. Is Eric going to exact terrible vengeance on Russell? Yes. No question about it.

8. What was more gory: Bill staking the vampire guard, Tara biting into Franklin’s pale pimply shoulder, or Lorena doing a marathon man on Bill? I winced more at Lorena, but it was Tara chewing on Franklin that gave me nightmares. The guard was like, meh, seen it already.

9. Is Debbie (trampy werewolf bitch) the most annoying True Blood character so far? Yes.

10. What’s the secret between Tommy and his family? In pit-bull form he is used in the ring at dog fights. As was his mama before him. But hey, you know what they say? The family that turns into pitbulls and fights together, stays together. So butt out, Sam.

Posted by Qwerty


Filed under True Blood

2 responses to “True Blood 306: Kill Bill gories up a notch

  1. Natalie

    Another brilliant brilliant episode and longer too. Hope they are all as good and as longer.

  2. Tim

    Ah, a bit of momentum returns after a couple of episodes which were heavy on set-up. Tara biting into Franklin was one of the show’s more gruesome moments, surpassing even Bill and Lorena’s Exorcist-style head-turning sex.