True Blood 305: Watch how fast I can type motherf***er

Thanks for the flowers, Franklin. And, uh, the rope.

Episode of the Series is hereby awarded to this week’s roller-coaster of delights. The last few episodes were slightly in danger of losing their sense of humour, so embroiled were they in action, plot and blood. But this week there were so many light – darkly light – moments to savour. Most involved my new favourite couple, Franklin and Tara. From him jealously strangling her when she received a text from Lafayette, and Tara choking out ‘He’s – my – cousin – and – he’s – gay!’, to Franklin texting him back: ‘Watch how fast I can type motherfucker,’ I love every crazy minute these two spend together. Admittedly, in Tara’s case those minutes are spent somewhat unwillingly and indeed, tied up. Franklin’s nuts about Tara, as well as being just nuts. He told Russell, ‘She’s such a fucking disaster, we could be twins’ and bust into great racking, psychotically over the top blood-stained sobs after Tara tried to escape. Their brief romance stepped up a pace when Franklin offered to take her out for a ‘last dinner,’ because he was planning to turn her into his vampire bride. Her Hammer House of Horror expression on receiving this proposal was a thing of beauty.

No Jason. I'm Butch, you're Sundance.

Jason meanwhile was terrific light relief. He marched into the police station determined to start acting out his fantasy life as a cop, but Andy put him on desk duties. There ensued a silent scene worthy of Buster Keaton as Jase built a bridge out of paper-clips, picked his nose, and damn near-died of boredom, before he had a sitting in a chair fail and collapsed spectacularly to the floor. Gotta love that guy, but I’m not convinced he’s cop material. Shirtless, he tried to arrest a young woman he was interested in. It worked somehow, because that very evening the two of them were shagging in the woods and she – Crystal – was being infuriatingly mysterious. Clearly she is trouble with a capital T.

Everyone coupled up this week. Bill was still reluctantly stuck with Lorena, and Terry moved in with Arlene. ‘I’m the luckiest man in the world,’ he sighed dreamily, as she stood bitchin’ at the front door. Jesus, Lafayette’s mother’s nurse, turned up at Merlottes and made a massive play for Laf, who rather oddly started to act like an innocent virginal prawn. Their awkward interest in each other was rather sweet, leading me to fear that Jesus is not long for this world, as he is too nice. Hopefully he’ll turn out to be a werewolf. Tommy made a move on Jessica, referring to her as a ‘smokin’ hot vampire’, and Hoyt brought a boring date to Merlottes to try and make Jessica jealous. Sam tried to step between the not very lovely relationship between Tommy and his Y-Front abusing father.

Talbot puts the camp into vamp.

But the real action was in Mississippi, where Eric turned up at the palace to dish the dirt on Bill, only to find him now part of the King’s inner circle. It was rather exciting when Eric, Bill and Russell were all in a room plotting together. The testosterone was seething, my dear. Soon Bill was vampira non grata because he refused to tell Russell what his genealogical interest in Sookie was. And Eric was the new blue-eyed boy, flirting camply with Talbot and looking round Russell’s treasure room. We were treated to an exciting flashback from Eric’s Viking youth, in which he realised that it was Russell who murdered his family. Russell, for all that he is small and ratty-looking, is actually very cool: ‘Don’t be a hero, Viking,’ he drawled, as he swanned off with Eric’s murdered father’s crown back in 900 and something. Ooh, I thought, the plot thickens. Though one thinks that after just about every scene at the moment.

Finally, Bill got a bit irritable with a couple of werewolves, in the way the Incredible Hulk gets irritable when someone annoys him. He threw palace guards all over the place then legged it and had a two-second reunion with Sookie at Alcide’s place (incidentally isn’t Alcide’s place nice?) before everyone else came bursting in.  Sookie rather marvellously managed to do that shiny blue lighting up hand thing she does to fend off her attacker and everyone stared at her, baffled, apart from Russell, who roared with delight. As did I, dear viewer, as did I.

Posted by Qwerty


Filed under True Blood

3 responses to “True Blood 305: Watch how fast I can type motherf***er

  1. Natalie

    As did i dear author. Bloody marvellous from start to finish.

  2. Tim

    A good, fun episode. I’m less convinced by the Franklin/Tara plot, but I trust this will eventually go somewhere other than Franklin’s half-charming/half-wiggy weirdness. We want more Jessica, though – for me, she’s the most interesting character of the lot, along with Terry.

  3. inkface

    Fantastic episode. Definitely back on track. Erik the only man I have EVER seen wearing a v neck sweater with nothing underneath and still managing to look ridiculously sexy.

    Very very slyly funny left right and centre. Loving Franklin & Tara & enjoying Lafayette’s tasty new bit of trouser too.