The Archers: Things they haven’t said yet

Post SATTC there are quite a few conversations waiting to explode. I thought I’d jot down a handy list in case the script-writers need reminding. What have I missed?

David: ‘Lizzie, there’s something I need to tell you about who gave Nigel the idea to go up on the roof…’

Freddie: ‘Now Daddy’s dead please can’t we just go to the local comp?’

Jill: ‘Now Nigel’s dead can’t the twins just go to the local comp?’

Jill: ‘Lizzie, I’ve never told you this but my father sent me to a fancy-pants posh school and I thought he’d abandoned me. Not to pressurise you or anything.’

David: ‘Perhaps it would be a good idea to ask Lizzie some questions about the business, save me any more exasperated phone-calls in which I behave like a straw-chewing hick.’

Kenton: ‘Life’s short, Jolene. Let me take you up Lakey Hill. If you know what I mean.’

Tony: ‘Hang on a minute, I’ve just emerged from a trance. Helen, you are a complete cow of the first order.’

Helen: ‘Why, when most women are nuttier once their baby’s arrived than when they’re preggers, have I bucked the trend? I guess it’s because I’m more irritating than getting a lump of cheese stuck in your throat.’

Ian: ‘Helen, did I ever tell you I was a sperm donor?’

Helen: ‘Ian, did I ever tell you that I specifically requested your wriggly Irish tadpoles?’

Tony: ‘I’m sorry, I’m just going to be sick in this yellow baby bath decorated with duckie-wuckies.’

Henry Archer: ‘You’re kidding me, right? Billions of women in the world and she’s my mother?’

Harry: ‘Listen Fallon, I didn’t kiss you passionately when I gave my Dick because I have cold sores/HIV/halitosis/ am gay/frigid/a virgin. But we just need one brief episode to sort it out and live happily ever after.’

Matt: ‘Bet we could get a really good price for Lower Loxley; Elizabeth’s too grief-stricken to negotiate.’

Lillian: ‘That’s terrible Matt! Oh, okay then.’

Tony: ‘Listen Kathy, can you just piss off? You’re in my house more than I am.’

Lizzie: ‘You utter bastard, David.’

Posted by Qwerty


Filed under The Archers

4 responses to “The Archers: Things they haven’t said yet

  1. Holly

    Completely agree with you on these, I was waiting for the squeaky clean Harry to say “Fallon, I love you, but I’ve got AIDS.”
    Also, my mum thought that Helen’s baby should have been black. Now that would have shaken Ambridge to the core.

  2. Qwerty

    Holly, your Mum is a genius. What a great storyline that would have been. She ought to sign up for a script-writing job forthwith.

  3. Velocity Girl

    Tom: I haven’t said anything for a while. Have you all forgotten me or something?
    Brenda: Oh Tom, it’s only because even the producers are sick of you and your BLOODY SAUSAGES. And come to think of it, so am I *runs off with Jazzer*

  4. MrB

    Other things they don’t say are: “Ruari – stop talking with an Irish accent – you’ve lived here for years and it should have gone by now”, and “Freda – for christ’s sake, SPEAK UP”. Also, “Mike Tucker – why on earth would you call your daughter Brenda? She was born in 1981, not 1951.”