Since High Priestess Vanessa Whitburn announced that there would be a special sixtieth anniversary episode on January 2nd, the world has been abuzz with anticipation (it says here in this BBC press release that I’m copying this from). Ambridge will be SHAKEN TO THE CORE apparently. Well shiver me timbers and pour us another sherry Marjorie. I have managed to avoid the message board speculation, which uses the acronym SATTC to refer to this topic, in order to bring you my unadulterated (apart from the sherry) thoughts on what these possible Ambridge Shaking Events might be. Apologies if they’re all wildly unoriginal and have been bandied about already across the internet, though I don’t know why I’m apologising because I don’t actually care. The only clues I have permitted myself are Herself’s own words that two storylines are involved: ‘one running and one new surprise.’
In Category One, the most obvious Core-Shaking Storyline currently running is Hell-en and her increasingly criminal behaviour. If ever a pregnant woman was asking to be pushed down the stairs it was this one. Possible core-shakers include:
- Tony finally growing a pair and strangling Hell-en with that godwaful-sounding butterfly mobile. The clue is that it ‘hangs from the ceiling’ – this has been mentioned several times – so he could easily make it look like suicide.
- Ian finally realising that Hell-en is an evil succubus and poisoning her with the much-referred to white spirit he borrowed from Robert Snell.
- Hell-en miscarrying, though I really don’t think the writers will go down this route, for reasons too complicated and frankly dull to go into here (if you’re interested I can send you my lengthy ‘Why Hell-en’s baby will survive’ treatise, £2.99 plus p&p).
- Hell-en going into premature labour. The baby’s health hangs in the balance for a few nail-biting weeks before the little fighter slowly gets stronger and stronger, though sadly not strong enough to cope with the ultimate horror of being parented by Hell-en.
Other current runners include Harry And His Implausible Niceness. He will either turn out to be a sex-maniac – perhaps he’s the scary man who frightened Usha? I don’t think Harry and Usha have had a scene together yet. Or he will turn out to have some taboo-busting illness like HIV or piles, only revealed when he finally gets off with Fallon. There’s also the will-they-won’t-they Jolene and Kenton shag, which surely is on its way; Con turning up on Peggy’s doorstep with a pair of silk stockings, yet another of the overpaid and over here Yanks the Archers is oddly fond of; and Will murdering Ed with a twelve-bore more commonly used on grouse.
In Category Two, these are the SATTC Surprises that I have spent many minutes guessing at:
- Debbie coming out as a lesbian. This is my big tip, so bet now at Ladbrokes. There’s been just one little hint of this but when you think about it, everything falls into place. Why was Simon Gerrard playing away so soon after their marriage? We all thought it was because he was a Canadian tart, but it could be because Debbie belatedly revealed that she bats for the other team and thus wasn’t interested in him in the duvet department. And no wonder things didn’t work out with Marshall – he was a beard.
- Emma’s baby is revealed to be Will’s (she might as well take this whole two brothers thing to its logical conclusion).
- Nic is wired for sound and is working for the Feds (or whatever the UK equivalent is, can’t think right now, damn that sherry). With the huge amount of evidence she garners, especially during the turkey plucking, (did you not hear her chanting, ‘I’m not a turkey plucker, I’m a secret agent’), Eddie and Joe will be banged up for life for nicking Christmas trees. Mia and Jake are very small detectives and not children at all, which explains a lot.
- Jenny kills Ruairi by whacking him round the head with a Le Creuset casserole dish. And which of us would judge her?
Right, them there’s my suggestions. Now let’s hear yours, and we can reconvene in early January to see who’s right. Me, probably.
Posted by Qwerty