I’m not a fan of Lord Sugar, but to his credit, he has working for him a pack of professionals so formidable, if there were an Olympic gladiatorial sport of savaging fools, I’d back this lot. And last night was the moment we’d all been waiting for this whole, rather marvellous series. This is the one episode of The Apprentice that makes the agony of watching earlier ones bearable. CV day is always going to be fun, because of the magnificent line-up of killer Claud, the ice-blue eyed Viglen boss, Bordan, litigator Alan Watts, regular sidekicks Karren and Nick, and our knowledge that every speck of self-deluded blagging previously uttered by the candidates will be used to wipe the floor with them. But my joy was unconfined in anticipation of the return of the metaphorically leather clad and whip wielding Margaret Mountford, a woman who it is not hard to imagine wears steel underwear. And she did not let her fans down. On his way to The Apprentice Careers Fair from Hell day, Stuart Baggs talked of needing ‘balls and minerals’. We knew what was coming. I could taste it before she opened her mouth. “Margaret!” Stuart gushed. “Do I know you?” she slashed back, like Zorro. “Ms Mountford?” he countered, tentative for perhaps the first time in his life.
Now I cannot help, with the rest of the country, being reasonably amused by the chutzpah (for which read also, ‘unadulterated drivelling bollocks’) that has emerged from Stuart Baggs. But after Lord Sugar’s lack of judgement last week keeping him in over Liz, and after seeing his utter lack of scruples in action time after time, more than anything else, I needed to see his comeuppance. And boy did we get that last night.
Highlights for me:
- Claude to Stuart “You’re not Stuart Baggs ‘the Brand’, you’re a 21 year old boy”
- Margaret, with that look where she’s shrivelling the extreme masculinity of any man, to posh boy Chris on his claim (on the basis of an RE A’ level) to be a ‘revered theology scholar’: “Do you know what ‘revered’ means? It’s when people hold you in awed respect”
- Margaret to Jamie, on his claim on his CV to have a third nipple, “Is that supposed to be funny?” (pause as even the very thick skin on his scrotal sac withers a little, until she slamdunks him) “It’s puerile.”
- Alan Watts to Stuart “You’re not very nice are you? You’ve got no ethics.”
- Stuart, in putting forward his business proposal to a dubious Margaret about inventing tracking microchips for pets: “No-one is like me. I’m the only candidate who can take Lord Sugar out of recession.”
- And this is my favourite. Claude to Stuart: “You’re not a big fish. You’re not even a fish.”
In terms of any other business, I found myself getting distressed on behalf of Joanne, who is the one out of all of them that I’d employ because she’s not arrogant, she doesn’t have that public school Ring of Confidence, she’s smart and she’s willing to learn. But then again, she’s in need of nurture and I’m not sure Lord Sugar has any interest in nurturing anyone. Stella did well and held her own against being told she’s a jumped up PA.
But after the fun of all the grown-ups talking about the kiddiwinks to Sugar Daddy was over, lo it came to pass that Lord S realised what a silly, sentimental old Hector he’d been allowing himself to be fooled by Baggs and his bad pony metaphors the week before, and Baggs got very short shrift and the sharpest, most jabby finger pointing I’ve ever seen. Conversely, Sugar’s dismissal of Joanne was done quite tenderly, for him, and it was also right that Porshe driving, Cypriot estate agent wideboy Jamie, who blames everyone else for his failings, should hit the dust too.
So it’s Stella and Chris now. But actually, after that show, I think we’ve had the most fun we ever could, until Margaret becomes a guest judge on the X Factor.
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Posted by Inkface