The Apprentice: Das ist nicht wunderbar, Dummkopf

I have to kick off with an apology to Germany: entschuldigung, meine Damen und Herren, on behalf of the British nation and crisp eaters everywhere. You thought I was that famous ‘bilingual’ candidate, Stuart Baggs, for a minute then didn’t you? Equally fluent in bollocks and twattery. But no. I too can blether semi-literately with a bit of crap German thrown in too.

I know the twitter world was shocked when Christopher was Abgefeuert last night, but I’ve not forgiven him for the cleaning ad sexist crap, and neither was I impressed with the obnoxious and racist ‘I hate the Germans’ line last night either. It’s all very well pretending to Dara O’Briain that it was to do with football, but it wasn’t, and actually, he’s a dummkopf.

The critical point has arrived in the series when I’m almost (with some simultaneous text coaching by Qwerty) able to name most of the remaining fools, sorry, contestants, in The Apprentice. And I’m startled that the one person whose name I did remember, and not for good reasons, Stuart is still there. Mysterious, and not, we later discovered, a man who is much fun to go shopping with – in response to picking up a pair of £300 boots in the winning team’s shopping trip  ‘You could buy a car with that’! You could buy a brain too, Herr Baggs. The most cringey moment of the show was when we saw a shot of some pale sausage in a bowl that looked all-too-much like pickled penis and Stuart said ‘I’ve got a white sausage too’. I’m sure you have young man. Just keep it zipped up.

But back to the task. There they all were, off to Germany to sell their own spectacularly unpleasant sounding crisp flavours. Stilton, curry wurst, goulash (and hello Hungary, sorry to you too chaps for how unrepentantly thick some of my fellow countrymen and women are), they all sounded pretty grim really, but both teams did pretty well at selling deep-fried potatoes to a country as fond as our own of eating potatoes, fat and salt.

But Stella’s team won, Chris and Jamie mysteriously avoided relegation in the boardroom, and it was Christopher who went, apparently for being ‘popular’ (oh how Lord Sugar gives away too much about his own messed up psyche at these moments). This programme, remarkably, put me off eating crisps (Gillian McKeith has the opposite effect)

I’m thinking Stella or Liz to win now.

For past blogs on The Apprentice, click here

Posted by Inkface


Filed under The Apprentice

7 responses to “The Apprentice: Das ist nicht wunderbar, Dummkopf

  1. Tim

    Stella, Liz or Joanna for me – note how the producers left Nick’s unsolicited comment about her perseverance in the edit last night.

    Stuart was good this week. He got on with the task, and he made a big effort to allow for the fact they were selling in a foreign country. Yes, his German was sketchy, but the point is he made the effort – and you could see him developing a rapport with the distributor guy before Laura rat-a-tatted him to death.

    As for Laura … Did someone take away her dummy, or did she spit it out? Whinge, whinge, whinge. If she ever actually did anything positive, she might have some grounds for complaint – but she doesn’t do anything that I’ve noticed.

    I’m not sure Christopher necessarily deserved to go this week, but I do agree with Sugar that he was really just a very good backroom boy and not a leader. Both Jamie and Chris can consider themselves very lucky to still be there. In particular, Jamie’s habit of calling everything he does “excellent” while slagging off everyone else is growing increasingly tiresome. Interesting that Sugar called him out on that in the boardroom. His days are numbered.

    • inkface

      You’re a very thorough blogger Tim! You’ve known those names since the first episode haven’t you? It shows an impressive commitment to paying attention not remotely present in yours truly, but very useful to refer to!

  2. Qwerty

    Inky I’m very impressed that with the smallest amount of coaching you have got the names straight now. And super-impressed by your sehr gut Deutsch. I LOVE crisps but they all looked and sounded v unappetising – had to force down a family bag of Walkers salt ‘n’ vinegar this morning to make everything all right again.

    My favourite Stuart-ism this week: ‘I think the women in German find me even more attractive than women in Bri…’ tails off as realises that he is saying this to a British woman who clearly finds him as lovely as that white sausage (which reminded Stuart of his penis and made me think of a cat turd).

    Tim, totally agree with you on Laura. She is a moan on legs.

  3. inkface

    Thank you Qwerty. I now realise the white sausage reminded me of the old dog turds you used to see in the 70s and now don’t, as a rule.

  4. Qwerty

    Yes! What has happened to those white dog turds? Maybe a global change in canine diet around 1981?

    • inkface

      I think they were white because fossiled (tho’ perhaps not literally). People tend to pick them up earlier these days.
      Someone told me, when I started to be a journalist, I’d only know I’d made it (this was tongue in cheek) when I’d written about dog shit, because that’s the hottest topic in local papers!

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